I don’t know how to feel because the silence is buzzing too loud and I get ear infections really easily but you didn’t ask me if it hurts because I’d rather hear you scream than ignore me and next time I tell you it’s okay maybe you should ask again because I’m really good at pretending and I’m really good at changing the topic to things that don’t matter like my windows that I always leave open because I like to hear the rain and the storms and everything falls down and my mom gets mad and my fan is really loud so I keep it on so I forget that I’m alone but none of that really matters because I’m too busy anyway and I’m not even home so it’s not like I notice when you don’t respond and when the power goes out and you’re not here to protect me from the monsters under my bed and inside my head but it’s not like I asked you to so why would I even be upset when you don’t notice my big bruises and scratches but I don’t like attention so why do I want yours because it’s not like I’m dependent sometimes it’s just too quiet

I AM TIRED OF FEELING SO DRY I WOULD RATHER HURT WITH ALL OF THE OCEANS WAVES DROWNING ME
I
HAVE
NOTHING
              LEFT
                     TO
                         BREATHE
WHERE ARE YOU

One time my sister asked me how love is always so easy for me

But the way I love is the same way people write with their left hands
I don’t, and if I do I do it poorly
I am a book shut with super glue
A vault with no key

But he is different
He isn’t love he is my love
He says the dumbest things
But every time it makes me grin like I’m in the worst love movie you’ve ever seen
His stupid hair and his stupid smile
He has my stupid key

I tell her my secret
The way I fell in love with him
The way I fall in love with him every day
I don’t look for love the same way I don’t search the sky for rain drops
It just begins to drizzle then suddenly it pours all at once

Talking is easy when it doesn’t matter
but when the weight of the world rests on my shoulders to croak out a single sentence
Forget it
He thinks we’re on the same page
I guess sometimes he forgets I read too fast

He always held my hand a little too hard
“I like us better when we're wasted”
Was a little too rough when he pushed me down
“It makes it easier to fake it”
Never really asked
“The only time we really talk”
if that’s what I wanted
“Is when our clothes are coming off”
Never really asked
“I like us better when we're wasted”
if he could hurt me

not just when we’re happy and things are going well;
I want to be with you always

I stand in my kitchen at 3:11 on a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon waiting for the toaster to pop and realize never in my life have I felt so alone