Anxiety….
You try and stop it, the voices in your head,
the impending feeling of dread...
the ticking of the clock, waiting for danger that will never come.
It is like one of those movie scenes,
where you are in a glass tank submerged in water.
The glass is cracked and there is water spilling in.

You try and stop it, you try not to drown, you try to do anything...to keep that water from flooding in... but you fail.
The dread comes rushing in, it takes over your body and you lose control.

You try not to drown, you try to calm down as the waves assail you. Your lungs feel as though they are about to combust,
your ribs feel as though there is a net made of fear tangled around them, strangling them.
Your heart sings the battle cry of a thousand drums as your body prepares to fight an enemy made up of twisted illusions.

Your eyes flood with uncontrollable, blinding tears….your breath quickens as you seemingly run out of air….You tell yourself, calm down….breathe….count your breaths, you're safe. Nothing stops that urge to panic though...it seems as though nothing can stop it.

Anxiety...

a seemingly infinite roller coaster that you can never get off of
and when you finally do, it has ****** every drop of energy from your body.

You don’t eat, because you will throw it all up….
you don’t sleep, because the voices in your head are deafening.
You wonder when you will feel safe.
For as long as these fears knock upon your door when you are alone or when you are with others, there is no way that you are safe...

Anxiety...
people say it is normal,
that it is necessary for survival.
But how am I supposed to trust those illogical fears that tear my relationships apart?
How am I supposed to trust the very thing that drowns me...
the thing that I battle with almost everyday?

We were so innocent, so pure, our eyes shine like stars
Looking in the mirror, our eyes shine like stars

We loved what we saw from the bottom of our feet to the top
We sparkled with much pride and had hearts that shine like stars

But we heard what we should look like, we saw models
With sparkling gems and gowns that shine like stars

We look at the judgements of others, then at ourselves
With a cruel gleaming glare that shine like stars

But love, you don't need to fit in a box of beauty to be worthy
You have come so far, look at yourself, rekindle that pride, you shine like stars

I may find closer friends
But they will never match your wit
They will never have your laugh

I may find someone else to love
But they will never make me feel the way you made me feel
The butterflies would not be as colorful

I may choose another sibling
But they will never be as good of a compass that you were

The world may move on, I may walk forward
Time marches on, the earth still spins
But there will always be an empty space in my heart
Where you once dwelt

He is just
a friend
But he is a brother to me

-Few months later-

I am falling for him
I am in love with him
His eyes, the light that is in him...a light that no else has
His laugh, the best music in the world...a laugh that no one else has
His smile,
lights up the world better than the sun and stars...a smile that no one else has
His hair, so black...like midnight...dark and mysterious, but so soft and shiny
His hands, so gentle and caring...hands that no one else has
round, short nails, short fingers
His arms, so full of strength, yet can be so tender...arms that I can be in for days...arms that no one else has
His voice, so strong but yet so gentle
Like the sea, lulling you to sleep or igniting the spark of passion in you...a voice like no other
His heart,
so golden and valuable

A heart, like no one else's...

The way he sees the world, like no one else...

The way he makes me feel, like no one else...

He is like no one else...

I want no one else...but him

This is a love poem
To a person who doesn’t know me
They could be a he or a she
or someone who’s non-binary

All I want to do is hold you in my arms
To be safe and sound on a stormy night
All I want is to laugh and talk with you
Or go on adventures then watch the sunset
Is this really too much to ask?

To whom will I give this poem to?
Who will love me and not hurt me
Will there be someone who will love me and not hurt me?

I want a love that’s like a rose without thorns
Rain without thunder and lightening
I want a love that will not hurt me
Is this really too much to ask?

Silence is the biggest noise
Light pastel colors on the walls
Notebooks scattered on the floor
As I procrastinate my *** off

Writing poetry instead of my essay
Thinking bout love
when I should be thinkin bout tests
Seeing my bed and wanting to sleep
But I’ just sitting here on my laptop
Complaining bout a student’s misery

I have fought many battles, cried many tears
Surrendered and created new fears
I have fell, stumbled, and crawled
I have felt pain

But here is a new opportunity,
A new start to heal
A new sunrise
To follow so that I not only run, I fly

So farewell to those who drag me down
Farewell to those who inflict pain
I am going to a place
Where I won’t drown
In your toxic oceans

I will soar and fly although I may fall
And I won’t stop this fight, till I win it all

To my love:

I hope that you will always stay like this
so bright
so full of life,

always using the great ability
to light up people's darkest nights

I hope that
when you enter a phase of unfamiliarity,
a time of darkness

a time of tears and loneliness

you remember
I am amongst the stars
I will try to light your path
and to provide comfort with my light

remember,
life is not always full and bright
life is not fair and it is not always good,
like you are...
life will be evil
it will drag you into darkness

but I know that...
if you are strong enough to pull the tides
you are strong enough to make it through those dark times
because

your fullness and your brightness will come back
and your lightness and your capability to shine
your fullest potential
will return

They shun me, they fear me,
They force me to be something I’m not
They force  me to be sunlight,
to dance with pure white clouds and the blue sky
Even though I dance with the moon and stars
I am darkness

Only the moon knows my pains and my secrets
Only the stars wink back with encouragement
in my sorrow laments

They say that I should be bright and happy
But to darkness I shall forever succumb
To darkness I shall find peace
With the dark of the night, I shall be
And with the winking stars and pale white moon
I shall dance

When you were here
So many sparks flew in the air
Just like butterflies with fiery wings

Back then
Christmas had it's joys and it...actually felt like Christmas
The performances we did together
were thrilling

My emotions were a mess but it's now a complete enigma
Now that your gone
I'm searching and scanning for any sign
of love in each and everyone I meet's eye
My heart is so lost without you

Christmas just feels like an ordinary day
Christmas season is non-existent, cause your not in it
The performances are nerve racking
And some days I just want to quit and give it up forever

The things I used to enjoy
don't have the same spark
Those butterflies with fiery wings
are dead and long gone
Those songs we used to sing together
are now void of sparks and butterflies
The butterflies with wings of flame are long dead and gone

I turn to a new clean page
To start a new chapter in my life
To forget the past, to start anew
To paint a picture that is not filled with tears, pain or suffering
A picture where I don't cry at night, rather I sleep soundly
A picture where I see my body as a home, rather than filled with cracks and flaws
A picture of the images of my imaginations, filled with sparks of life and magic

But that page still has stains
From the broken parts of me...from the past
Rain stains, that fell from my eyes with gray and dark blue ink
from the times I was on the verge of falling off that cliff of stability,
on the verge of losing it all and giving up
Blood stains,
from the times when I drew a straight red line with a silver pen
and see the red paint dripping down on my arms
Those battles, some almost ending in defeat
But most of all,
I see the aftermath of a storm
Stains of debris of trauma, fear, and heartbreak
From the times where I have learned that
When you fall, no one can catch you
Not even your friends....who you thought you could trust
Who you thought will never leave you, but lied

Although I turn to a new page
To a white, pure smooth piece of paper
There will always be the stains
of all my pain
that will never go away