One step.
One brick.
Two steps.
Two bricks.
He smiles.
One wall.
One step.
One more wall.
He says hello.
Another wall.
You talk.
The walls have gone now, you see.
Raw, naked, vulnerable,
Open.
Exposed.
Turn around.
Build new bricks.
Walk away.
Build more walls.
Step outside.
Catch your breath.
It’s over now, love,
Your walls are fine, now, love.
You are who you want to be now, love.
*He’s gone now, love.

Love is knowing that you need him. And being okay with it.
Love is knowing that when you get to this low, you can get out of it for him.
Love is really understanding that it's okay to be scared or afraid or terrified or broken or ugly or fat or mistreated or scarred
Because love sees all of it and smiles and says
"There goes my baby."
Love is looking for him, and seeing him, and smiling because you can.
Love is making excuses to touch him.
Love is really biting and scratching and clawing and punching and pinching and yelling and swearing and screaming
Because in the end, who the hell else is going to listen to you?

This is a tribute. A goodbye letter, whatever you wanna call it. A thank you, I guess. Thankyou for saving me. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for watching over me and teaching me and preaching to me and thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for making me see that I was gifted with a life. This is for you. Everything I do, everything I write, everything I say, is for you.
One month ago tomorrow, you died.
One month ago tomorrow, I checked my email expecting to find some spam mail and a few notifications about something I didn't really care about, maybe even a reply from that person I emailed a while ago.
One month ago tomorrow, I checked my email and found an email from your mom saying that you were so sorry, so so sorry, but that you had passed.
One month ago tomorrow, I collapsed on the floor and mourned for the loss of my best friend, my soul mate.
One month ago the day after tomorrow, I walked into school and I kept my cool but I saw you there in front of me. I could put you there and I could see you and I could hear you and you haunted me and my friends all said "You're different."
That day, I had an anxiety attack and went home because I COULDN'T handle it.
Tomorrow, I will walk into school and I will keep my cool but inside I will be dying and sobbing and weeping and mourning for the loss of you.
Tomorrow, I will sit in the same place I did one month ago the day after tomorrow and stare into nothing and see you and hear you and smell you and my friends will say "you're different".
Tomorrow, I might have an anxiety attack. I might go home but I will try not to. I CAN handle it.
When we first met, you told me your worst fear was that you were afraid to die.
3 months ago, you slit your wrists and by the time you realised what you were doing and sane enough to stop you tried to save yourself.
You succeeded.
You got better.
1 month ago tomorrow, you died of natural causes.
We were supposed to become psychologists together and go to New York and study at the same university and open a private practice, where did that end up at?
Goodbye, and thank you, and I'm sorry I didn't say I love you enough, and I'm sorry I didn't take more pictures, and I'm sorry I didn't say what I wanted to say, and I'm sorry we fought, and I'm sorry we wasted so much time planning for a tomorrow we were never going to have.

made of tiny stars
the stranger held my hand and
         lit up the night sky

For sometime Jesus convicted me to write this so everyone here can see it. I have felt miserable keeping it inside because Jesus says if we confess Him before men He will confess us before His Father in heaven.

To anyone here on HP I want to say this: if you are miserable with your life and come to Jesus for forgiveness of your sins He will cleanse you and give you eternal life in heaven. "For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. He loved you and me enough to die for us on the cross so we could live with Him forever if we accept Him and repent of our sins. We have to confess and forsake
our sinful lifestyle.

I cannot help but write this so strong has been my conviction! If I have been a stumbling block to anyone here please forgive me! If unknowingly I have pressed a like button for some poem or write up that uses foul language please forgive me! I wish to do better with Jesus' help! Jesus says that by our words we shall be justified or condemned. Every tree is known by its fruits.

If you wish to know more about Jesus please feel free to comment below and I will be glad to help you!!! Or you can always send me a message  and I will get back with you as soon as I possibly can. Though I stay very busy as a housewife and mother (my husband and daughter also here on HP- Timothy and Marian) I am open to comments. Again please forgive me if I have caused anyone here to be offended.
I  cannot remain here without letting my light shine. Jesus is the Light of the world and whoever believes in Him and repents no longer walks in the darkness of this wicked world. Their speech will be for His glory! Their actions will please Him. They will come out from the wickedness of this world and live separate and holy lives for Jesus.

So again—please forgive me if I have failed in showing Jesus by my life or actions.

Happy birthday Marian
A thousand mem'ries of you
blow across my mind
tiny miracle of life
held close to a mother's heart

Today you turned twelve
still I see my sweet baby
smile into my eyes

no flute to give thee
harp or cello have I none
chilled by poverty

hungry mouths to feed
our furry little darlings
their eyes beseeching

if I had more time
I would play croquet with you
and dress dolls again

hear a mother's heartfelt cry
baking loaves of bread and rolls
planning simple meals

May this humble poem
a token of my love prove
my dearest daughter