to think without clarity
(a fuzziness inside)
to speak without correct words
(broken judgement)
to hurt without blood
(a head full of screaming)

washed up intelligence
equals
splintering headspace

is it shame or terror,
making it hard to see straight

I’m 19
And I’ve caused more pain
In my short time
Then most middle aged adults
What I’ve done is irreversible
And therefore
Unforgivable
Unfixable
I deserve to die

The pain I’ve caused
Calls for my blood
The people I’ve destroyed
Call out for my end

As do I -
So blood was spilt
Now I will pay it all back

The other thing
The other thing people should know Is that
I am not emotional -
Emotionally available
Emotionally stable
Emotionally aware-
Emotional.
****.
I’m ******* emotional again.
All the time
And I can turn it off
But it comes back
And that Is the other thing
You see
The other thing
Led me to the psychiatric ward of an LA hospital

I’ve given up
All those pretty packaged dreams
A future
A lover
Hope
All are lost to my dissipated and medicated desire

All I want now
Is to be high
Higher than I’ve been before
Dancing alone
At 3am
On a Tuesday night
No party in sight
Only lights on
are in my head
And the blinding white
of my phone screen and anime

Lonely highs
Are truly a new low

Stay
******
Inside my bones
It’s empty
In here
We know
God is dead
And the Devil
runs rampant
Staying ******
Seldom sober
Wandering mind
Stationary body
In space without moving
Floating up-
Up
Further
Till all I feel
Is consumed.
Staying
******
Inside my bones
I still am...
So alone.

is that an angel i see?
you- coming back for me

i just...
i honestly can't believe it

I don’t like crying
Yet. (There’s
                Water
          Falling from
                     My eyes)
I don’t like tears
Yet (they
drip
down
my
Face).

you had a dream about our first apartment
about the soft glowing light
and the scents made sweet by our love
you had a dream about our future

let's make it a reality.

My numb little shell
I’m trying to tell the truth
I am the bad guy
I know I’m the villain
It bothers me when people try to
Make me feel better
For the ****** things I’ve done
A villain’s actions are not compromised
There are no pathetic attempts of
Following the better path
Only the destruction of the good remains
When you have done evil to another
Accept it
Throw pride away
Quake in fear at what you have caused
And then pick up
And start all over
Even if you have work twice as hard to rebuild

Violence of the mind.

black holes.
they come swallowing everything whole

dripping jaws.
they come tearing at chunks of fresh flesh

war of the mind.
gunshots gouged in blood wet heads
spears stabbing through blood wet sides
knives nestled in blood wet necks

madness-
of the mind.

Come one! Come all!
Come see the sickest sight of all!
this madness of the mind
i see it clear,
when i look in the mirror.

the stars seem to whisper your name tonight
every night the wind reminds me of your touch
the dark dances with me,
just a shadow of you
Morning come
Your phantom has left me
You fall like dust through my fingers
and you are lost till sun sets-
when
once again
i walk with your ghost

i'm so afraid
          that when you leave
                            you'll find your better off
without me

i don't see
i don't hear
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't imagine
i don't create

idontFEEL

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ME, MY SOULMATE

You have a pen and more than just ink
Let it caress your body
Take your mind far away
and I will wander the starry night
Trailing right behind you
A friend in tow
On your wild adventures
An artist unable to draw
Hoping to capture
A fleeting image
Of their ever changing Wonder
Dance on smoke with me
My dear
And let’s wander the night
Together

i thought i knew you
i guess i never really did
...
can i ever hope

to get to know you again?

No matter how i try
i cannot have

what has already left