you’re making a killing
on all the hours, i spend at your side
im as free (for you)
as the spotify premium your father pays for
you’re making a killing
with every broken promise
i still stay by your side
faithful and stupid to the bitter end

I think people are
Always
In Love
Perhaps
It’s that we
Don’t notice till we meet
The chosen Few
That we understand
Love
Is right in front of us.

A soul shall
Always
Call out for it’s
Match
The heart simply
Shuts it out
Till
The chosen Few
March into the
Path
We’ve chosen to take

Winding along time’s river
We wander amongst the fallen leaves
Waiting
Watching
Hoping
Never knowing if
Love
Should be just around the corner ...

I fall for-
Dark haired angels with heads full of demons
Women-
That stab daggers in my chest to watch me bleed out
People-
With eyes as blue as the abyss of tears behind them
Anyone-
Who compliments the way I look when I smile
and will dance in the pouring rain with me
I fall for-
Those who see my body and want to beautifully ravage it
But see my mind and stand in awe

These are the people I desire

Kisses at sunset
Your mouth is the only one I remember
The only one that mattered
Your body is the last I pulled closer to my own
I don’t remember the past eight months
I wonder if it’s because I was apart from you
Kisses at sunrise
And everyday after
I imagine it with a shadow figure now
It’s not you
Anymore.

I wonder how
One may convert religions
If I could open my soul anew
It would be in honor of her body
If I could recommit myself to a church
It would be only to their touch
I grew up under God’s gaze
Now I will melt under yours alone
I wonder how
One can love a body
And not worship the creature beneath it
She is my temple-

I wonder how
One may convert religions
So I may Adore All Their Pieces
At the edge of her thighs
And the satin space between her hips
There is my desire
And my rush of purity
To be made new
In the act of loving
A person so divine

Why do things always burn to bits in my hands ?
Why is there only ash left ...
What is it that drives me to burn so fiercely-
And how do I not feel the fire searing my own body-
When it seems to consume everyone who walks closer to me ...
It seems the burning can have no friends but ash and the scent of roasting flesh and boiling blood.
I burn alone.
And it seems I am burning alive.

sometimes
I think I might have found something
But then
Everything turns away once it gets your heart
Or your body for it’s pleasure
Which is worse?
I’m not sure I know.
Anymore.

If I was a corpse
Do you think you would see me differently
Would my cold eyes suddenly become a more haunting shade of blue?
Would my misery and pain be more apparent
Or would it disappear in the fondness of nostalgia ?
If I was a corpse
I think I could get you
Just where I want you
Maybe you could love me
If I was cold and dead
Even if
It’s only memories

You took my soul and held it gently
You unlocked my heart and breathed life into me
I was so afraid and you helped me stand
You didn't carry me, but you showed me how to walk
You empowered my being.
I thought I was lighting up yours.
You taught me what love was
You told me you'd never leave
I finally
Finally
Believed you.

Where are you now?

Nail salons and marijuana
living inside a song
Lorde and pop culture have stolen all my good memories
And turned them into melody

I’m not longer original
even in my own warped traditions

To hide a poem
Is to hide a piece of the soul
Poetry is only kept secret
If the words start with truth
And the letters breathe life
Hiding poetry
Is like locking away the past
A treasure trove full of adventure-
Tainted by rust and blood.
Sadly, once the box is unlocked,
One may find it to all be but dust
Poems scattered to the wind
Memories, once hidden, now forever lost

I think I might be addicted to you
I was never in love
Only addicted to the feeling
Lusting after the highs
Crashing at the sight of the bottom
Yearning for any reason to hold on
Yearning for any reason to get back on
Riding the highs and lows
Buckling in on your rollercoaster of a romance
I will never stop seeking
What I had with you
I will never stop running
Back to you
Screaming so loud and banging on the gates
Let me ride!!!
I want to Feel Again
Let me ride
One last time

Addiction.
It’s not like love at all.
So what does love feel like?
I wonder...

i think
the line between
sanity
      and
           insanity
is
how much
we
think
      on the
              things
that make
humanity
shiver
        in their
                   bones.

I'd rather be authentic and rejected
than
false and accepted

a window left open
a soul feeling light
my heart-
expanding again
light-
cleansing me

you wash all in color
and
i cannot imagine
wanting
any other

there is only you.
for me.

i love being Alive.

i never thought I’d say that

But here I am

If life is a journey

I want to climb every single rock

And swim every single river

Just as long as I can be

Alive.

I never thought I’d want this

But here I am

To live, indeed, is a whirlwind

But it’s one I want to dance with

Please don’t hate me
and please don’t just love my body

Either would be
Fine
On any other day

But I’m catching feeling
For you my love

"takes your breath away"

is a figure of speech

for.

when.

something is.....         beautiful

but i'm not sure.........               it's so good this time

Lights lifting the room
Swirling color is a path running fingers on my walls

I have a thrifted children’s toy
It blinks and blinds
It dances across the internal sky of my childhood bedroom
Moon and stars
Blue then purple then red again

I have a secondhand children’s night light
I wonder if the colors are as kind to them as me..
Perhaps, I too,
Am a child

darkness is simply emptiness
why is everyone afraid of what they do not know?

Reaching for the moon is just a ******* phrase
What’s the point in trying when the moon is just rock and empty space?

Unless you’re there

Then I’d never stop reaching

i kinda want to kiss you
your soft skin and amber eyes...
you call to me

i kinda want to hold you
and tell you sweet things
(also not-so-innocent things)

i kinda want to make love to you-
or just hold your hand
i just miss you

I feel my body is not real
It’s like a picture or an abstract painting
The picture
Is not the place
Only an impression of it
The painting looks complete
From far away
But up close
it reveals itself to be only splotches of texture and many dots of color

My body is not real
Or if it is
I am only paint on canvas

Honey, dripping off your tongue-
In all but a literal fashion-
Seduction and degradation
Sweetest tone and darkest words
Darling,
Tell me your tune,
So I might have words like a knife to your throat,
Our bodies matching the same frequency on the radio and our voices intertwined in pitch like a harmony
Wet honey dripping-
In all but a literal fashion-
Your mouth following my curves
Tell me the path and I will find my way across every landscape of that back
Com(b)ing over each inch
Caressing you with my fingers,
Maybe my nails too deep in your skin,
Ever so clearly,
The marks I have made,
Honey, honey-
Honey you are dripping-
Even in the literal sense.
let me teach you how to kneel
And tell me all the ways we might together mend our wounds and heal
Or reopen them all in a fit of passion
And make more memories carved into time and orga(ni)sm

It’s about time I talked
About it all
So here it is

I only remember buzzing
and fuzzy shots
of blurry people with even more blurry conversations
I remember the walls and holes in the ground
They had tried to seal them up
The tar black was reopened
Wounded floors
Wounded people
Walls with punctures like knives
White and cold
Blue fragile and cheap blankets
thin Pale sheets
White is the easiest to bleach I suppose
I don’t know what happened
I still want to die
I just won’t try anything
My father asked me
What do you hope for
And I had no words
The only thing I hope for
Beyond a dream
The only desire
Is death
How do you tell the man who has watched you grow from infancy to adulthood that his pain was all for nothing
You are long g on e
Forever drifting
Hope is only a good friend for the pure hearted
I am evil
And I can only hope I will die and my future evil should be dissipated forever

you're the kind of girl
who writes beauty personified
...
but is never written about

and i realized myself in that moment

i thought i knew you
i guess i never really did
...
can i ever hope

to get to know you again?

How can I explain
Even after a year of those brilliant kisses
I still stutter on ever one
I’m sorry I was so stupid
Sitting there like a fool
I struggle to speak
To tell you
You are all I want
I love your kisses
But god how they create such warmth
It makes my mind get fuzzy
And my mouth tingle
My body is melting ice
My tongue is totally twisted
You make me
Such an idiot

Do it again please

I don’t think I’m worth the amount of effort it takes for someone to love me
I could never be enough as I am for what I cost to purchase
I start every sentence with ’ I ‘
And I end them all in ‘yes’
I have no boundaries
No sense of self
Just open thighs and a mouth
Still I am just as much without
Without love
Without care
Without anyone.

Purchase the girl!
She’s almost as good as free!
Purchase that girl!
Over and over and over
She’ll let you in

over and over and over
Again.

to be perfect- without fail
and flawless- without fault

so the "shaping" starts

to be under pressure
and
bent backwards by error

squeezed in a box

by the creation
of
your own two hands

cut up and bound

as we shave off our skin
to fit the box
we are told, we belong in

but humans don't fit in boxes

so all that remains
of the shaved up human
(trying desperately to fit in a box)

is nothing- but blood and flesh
is all things- but whole

“Family”
Vacation

Road
Trippin’

I wish I was tripping
I left my ****
It’s been an hour
And I’m regretting that decision

“Family”
Vacation

Good
Times

Filled with
Screaming Yelling Argument
And of course
Judgement

Yes indeed
These are the good times
For us as a “family”
Times that
Of course
We will all remember “forever”
Because “Family” is “forever”

and inevitably
If I do remember it forever-
So will my future psych ward nurse

I am discovering

Brushing off love’s dust
Re-examining my roughened shell

I never knew love could feel safe
But there it is
Etched into my lover’s pottery

I never knew love could be pretty and kind
But there she is
Cleaning off my husk of a heart and glowing as she smiles

I don’t even think-
She knows-
Just what she’s done.
But there it is
My brightened clay  

No longer feeling dusty
No longer feeling fragile

She makes me feel beautiful
But I know
She will not let me break

so this is how it feels when love is truly returned...

When you need to he(a)r
"I love you"
All I want to do is tell you.       (again. and. again.)

I will kiss the words back into you
A(l)ong every scar on your body
Till you understand my love through and through

I will speak it every day,
When you're crying or in pain
I'll take your hand and those three (w)ords-
I will again say

I will write it on paper,
p(a)rchment, napkins, and sticky notes.
All throughout your world-
Just so-
you get reminders that:
                                                  I Love You

and maybe

if i'm luck(y)

and i play my cards right

i'll keep seeing your (s)pecial sort of smile-
every once.
                        in a while.

Life is our enslaver. Faith is the savior.  
And I Am A ******* Loser.

I am trying to stabilize myself
It becomes increasingly difficult
As the boat of reason
Floating in a wild sea of emotional meltdown
Becomes more and more worn by the waves
I often find myself wondering-
Why?
Why do I have so many ups and downs?
Why are the waves engulfing my little boat one day
and yet on others-
My boat is a yacht and I am unconcerned ...
I am trying to stabilize myself
I cannot tell if it is working
But I am trying

i'm so afraid
          that when you leave
                            you'll find your better off
without me

I don’t know if I can take it
Someone else leaving
Not so soon
I know this is a sorry excuse for a poem
And certainly no fine speech
I guess it’s just me begging
On my knees
On my face
Groveling in the dirt-
Where I seem to belong-
Pitiful, not to you
But maybe to whatever creature hears my course crying in the creaking wake of dawn...
To you I say:
This is my begging
Hear it well
My heart cannot take another sword-
I have only just bandaged from the first

I can feel my body giving out-
I can’t stand still you see-
It’s the involuntary spasms
amusing themselves with me
My heart rate is a mile a minute
Shaky hands when I paint
Jumpy nerves when I drive

My mind moves calmly through time
Without feeling real at all...

For such an anxious body
My mind is so empty

Warm thoughts
Like waves of strawberry wind
Like windows rolled down in the summer
And slow dancing in twilight fields
Midnight thoughts
About her laying on my chest
About her laughter which makes me smile
and her heavenly scent swirling in the air about me
Crying thoughts
Because she doesn’t know how priceless she is
Because she can’t seem to see that she deserves
Everything
And hoping with all my heart
I can give her an embrace that but imitates that elusive safety she is missing
Smiling thoughts
The feeling of her mouth against mine still lingers...
My windows down
My music screaming
Driving away-
But knowing
I’ll see her another day

i don't see
i don't hear
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't imagine
i don't create

idontFEEL

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ME, MY SOULMATE

It’s time to let go,
To let my body drift away
Maybe I’ll wash up on some abandoned shore
Or an oil covered river along the wretched edges of Venice
It’s time to watch it all
Slip away...

Perhaps,
I should stop saving the things only I can save
Perhaps,
It is time to take what is given to me and bite my tongue
Perhaps, I should not scream and thrash against the howling tide-
Desperately seeking a perfect resolution where everything is fixed and I am with you once again...

One last time,
I will breathe deep
And sink under
To wash myself clean
And wake up *****-
Alone in the dark and the damp and the cold
One last time....

It’s time to let go,
Today I will watch the opportunity to fix it
And I will let it slip away.

If I alone am burdened to fix it-
Was it even true love in the first place?

I wrote a poem a year ago
It didn’t make much sense
All that could be explained
Was the overwhelming feeling of love

I thought I might get better
At putting my thoughts on paper
But it appears
I am no more apt than before

His very essence
Has worn through my words
It has made a mess of my usual writing
He has torn through the world in my mind
Leaving only the warmth of sunshine
And an overwhelming feeling of love

Even today
I cannot write well
But all that matters
Is that he understands
My overwhelming feeling of love
For him

I can’t be 19.
It’s just not possible
I can’t be
Nineteen-
What the ****?
How did I get here?
Where the **** are all the days go
Where the ****.
Who said
Who decided-
It was me that was to take the ******* family curse
It’s been passed down through all our white ****** medieval ancestors
Mental illness
Physical pains
All in the head
All in the body
All in the Spirit
I am all but my veins and I am all but
The controller
I feel
Helpless.

I can't be nineteen...
There’s no ******* way
It’s 10:34pm
There’s no ******* way
I’m going to
Watch
Seconds
Dis a pear
Until
No thing
I S
l e f t

I’m ******* 19.
In two hours.
Two Hours
nineteen....

i can’t turn nineteen
i just don’t believe i’ll make it...

ive never ******* been eighteen
or if i was i don’t remember...

How the **** am I supposed to survive another ******* year.

I wonder when
I will be able to write
Happy poems
About her
She deserves all the happiness I can give
But I dont know how to give-
Outside my body-
Anymore.
I wonder when
I will cease writing
Sad poems
About her
She deserves every beautiful memory framed in gold
And all the stories sewn up
Into perfect happy endings

Someone will give them the world on a silver platter.
It’s just not me.

The softened feeling of chapstick against a cheek
Where pressed her mouth to brush me quickly in surprise
The slightly dampened paste stuck against my face
A stamp I never want erased
I’d treasure it like an angels touch as
It is an Angel
My angel kissing me
Leaving a piece of herself to seep into my lips and to redden my cheeks  
Leaving me floating in the wake
Of her ethereal bliss
Longing
For her simplest touch
Once again

I’ve rented a head
Just for the day
To get out and fall a stray
Shoved a fist
Right through your brain
Made a home
Inside your flesh
Constraints on your mind
While I chop off your fingers
And grind up your spine
To the sound of your shrieks
And the early night signs
I’m playing in-sanity of course
Did you think I was really ever (in)sane

The other thing
The other thing people should know Is that
I am not emotional -
Emotionally available
Emotionally stable
Emotionally aware-
Emotional.
****.
I’m ******* emotional again.
All the time
And I can turn it off
But it comes back
And that Is the other thing
You see
The other thing
Led me to the psychiatric ward of an LA hospital

you call yourself awkward-
your girly laugh and silly jokes
hands cold and lower lip trembling,
your nervous flinching and stiffened frame
spaced-out blue eyes and pupils widening
the way you can't,
stand to be touched
but also,
want it so much
don't call me cliche but,
i call it cute-
your muffled giggling with head in your hands
your sparkling eyes and face lit up-
the crinkled corners of your eyes
and the smiles you try to hide
surprise makes you stumble and
your jaw drop to the floor
and for me...
there's nothing i love more

Sometimes
I decide to fly
I can get too high-
I will admit the truth-
But if you’re there
Or I think you are
Or I imagine you
It’s like I can feel your body-
Your energy-
The aura of You wandering in like mist
The warmth of your arms
The cold in your hands-
Wrapped around my waist-
You intersect the reality of the ground
And you ascend with me to the sky
Floating about on clouds of sensitive skin and bad balance
It’s best when I’m so far up I can decipher nothing beyond my own desire
I breath
You sing
I whisper
You seem to kiss me back-
******* darling-
You are forever sweet in my mouth
A lover on whom I love to wait
And the intoxication I refuse to break
It’s a sinful heaven
Being too high
And thinking of you

If you’ve ever wondered:
The mind of a suicidal teen is not always
Empty.
Sometimes
It is so full andicantchangeanythingsoitryto
Release
But the release is usually red and ****** and messy and painful
I was told not to keep using this
‘Coping mechanism’
But it works
And it has worked for years

Why should I stop associating with the only friend who has ever looked death in the face
Glaring eyes of ******* steel
Reality on its edge
It brings me back
And it has yet to be beat by the violent voices

That’s more than I can say for the rest of the ‘coping mechanisms’ I have

Self harm.
That’s my friend’s name.
She has stood by me.
reminding me again and again-
YOU ARE ALIVE
FIGHT TILL YOU ******* DROP