G’day and welcome to Kepler sports club and my name is bimmy jarnes my first song is this crazy dream
You see when I lay down to sleep last night my head got many thoughts, of tackling sleep apnea yes, what a ****** it was, you see I tried to sing flame trees, but I lost my train of thought and I hated my version of working class man, it sounded as if I was a bludger, you see I really like to party, drinking this lovely drink, maybe this Victoria bitter for a hard earned thirst, you see I tried a bit of surfing but got a attacked by a shark, I ran outside the water saying never ever again and I went back in, the shark was still there
So I went to the beach to relax on the surf and I tried drinking heavily but that never worked at all, because I sat down outside the police station and they said c’mon we’ll take you home
Then I went to the club and danced with the teens, I wasn’t being inappropriate just having a dance, but the barman threw me out, I told him to get lost, then he said, mate you have no right to do this and then I did a **** right on the front of the pub and he said I am keeping you and he rang the police, but when they came they just drove me home, giving me an lecture as they drove, then there was a drunken man who really needed a drink and I came into another and used his money to buy me a drink, we got ****** together and when we were totally drunk and he was plastered as hell, I took $300 from his cash to buy 4 cases of beer and I nicked off back home with the cash and beer but after I finished the last drink I regretted it a lot, but wait a minute, no I didn’t he might have been a phedaphile, you see you see, that is what I wanted to do
My next song is my version of g’day g’day
G’day g’dsy
Welcome to my world
It is make believe
And full of drinkers who
Want to bash you up
G’day g’day
You could be gullible
So I want to tell you this
Let’s try and understand
Just one little thing
If you as dinky die as an Aussie
You would drink him down to the ground
G’day G’day
Using a ****** to have *** with a model
And then we say to him
That this model isn’t as dinky die as a eculyptus
Tree bring planted right outside
You see mr Robert hughes
He was a real mate of mine
Untill he molested his youngest
On-screen daughter, a real stupid thing to do
I don’t want to look at Martin fucken Kelly
The name really scared me mate
But when I hear these simple words
Of
G’day G’day
He was an Aussie
You see that he was very dinky die
So I took him out the back
And I punched him
Knocked him senseless in the park
G’day g’day
I am a drunken *****
I was saying to this idiot
That what he did was unAustraliwj
And he said, how about I do it to you
I went over to the phone
And rang the police
He said, what are you doing
I am getting you off the streets
Kepler doesn’t need you
So I picked him up and threw
Him in the bin and said G’day
And he said G’day back
And said this one little thing
Just say G’day and go back where you belong
My next song is I can’t wake up
I can’t wake up
My head is getting clogged full of apnea
It is wrong to think you have it
Especially when people think you are crazy
But I say no mate, I am not crazy mate
I am just a man who can’t get up
Because I can hardly breathe
I can’t wake up
You see I wanna drink a few bourbons
And show you the Kepler night life
There are hookers and strippers
And religious figures who want
To see their religion getting a lot of cash
And I say you are a stupid mess
You see I like this place
There doesn’t seem to be any wars
But the war that goes on in the pubs and bars
My friend, is really really bad
I can’t wake up
From this stupid bed
Because I could feel that Kepler
Is the place for me
To rest my weary head
I just can’t wake up
Here is my next song called living off an all night hot dog
I had fun at the club
It was the single party night
At the labor club
And the time was 1-00am
You see I went with my best friends
4 of them, 3 found chicks
And the other one didn’t
Because he was so gay
Not that there is anything wrong with that
And we got onto the dance floor
And half my eye was on my date
And the other eye was on finding
A gay man to go out with my friend
You see one guy said, are you happy
With your sexuality mate
I see you are looking at this man
And I told her, yes I am straight but
I am here to find a lover
For my gay mate
She told me, waste of time
All the men just like girls
Not that there is anything wrong
With being gay my friend
But overall it is a nice gesture
To help find a friend for him
But Kepler has a gay bar
Two doors down
Do you should’ve taken him there
But I will help you, so I need a hotdog
Will you buy me one
And we can talk about your friend
Oh yeah party yeah
On a hot dog cooked at 1-00am
Oh yeah party yeah
Drinking at a place that drinkers go
To celebrate good tidings
Then we sing 99 bottles of beer on the wall
Till the lady said
Sing that song again my friend
Sing that song again
I will come up and knock you senseless
Then you will say to me
Those 99 bottles of beer my friend
Were putting curls in your hair
You see I went inside and a man was talking to my friend, I went over and said
Did you know this person was gay my friend
And he said, I am too, I came here cause I broke
Up, mate with a Kepler security guard
My next song is my friend Matilda
Once a pretty lady walked in a social club
Ready to drink a few ales with the boys
You see she got really hammered
And the man sitting at the bar said to her
It is fun to see if will work with her
You see my friend Matilda
My friend Matilda, my friend Matilda
She is a lady that I love
You see I talk to her
In a club up here on Kepler
I want to marry Matilda tonight
Matilda said I don’t marry
On first dates no way
I am a traditional man
Who marries the normal way
Who watches both of us get plastered
My friend Matilda, my friend Matilda
Loves to drink on our wedding day
You see she gets drunk
With everybody watching her
You see I can’t my friend Matilda doing this
You see Matilda went to Alcoholics Anonymous
To tell them she has a problem with the bottle
But they told her the problem wasn’t her drinking
It was the problem of her shacking up
My friend Matilda, my friend Matilda
AA wouldn’t help her
Because she wanted a relationship
With a nice man
With a nice man
With a nice man on the block like me
See you next time I hope you all enjoyed my show
Everybody cheered as he walked off stage