from what is sensible
i have derived that i am always covered in insects
rats burrow into my mattress at bedtime

i leave in the stingers
i let the bitemarks speak for themselves

because i am sinking
oh god
i am drowning
breathing is more about lung capacity and less about bubbles

i hold my breath and wait

the entrance is an exit

why do belts and switches hurt so much more at night than in the morning
this i have never understood

i'd slam my skull into the ground for each year i wanted to forget
i'd do it if my fingers weren't all broken already
trust me i'd do it

You only need to say it so many times before it becomes true
The question answers itself if you already know whose correct

Drown me in chemical baths
Lock the condition in place
Let time run, unravel, and damage

This is here
This is now
The subject presupposes the predicate

I have only a month to heal
It reaches for you
It grabs you by the throat

Burn my eyes, shut
Use hot tongs to demolish my ****
Brand me like your livestock but this time you'll decide

The planet is in your ******* palm
It just took too long to know for sure

There is a reason for the fifth of gin in the coffee
There was a reason, but I've forgotten

A wish for heat to meld parts back together
I can hear you talking through the floors
to all your friends
and ex lovers

I can hear you singing along to nothing in the shower
The problem lies not within you
but in me

implosion

if time bears no witness to what you have made it into
nobody can save you

i wore your grandfather’s favorite bathrobe
it fit loosely
turned the taps on and by the time you came back the entire house was flooded

stupid puppet controlling everything
strings are tied to its spine
it writhes, gesticulates, and vomits

there is nothing for them on this planet
they are getting tired
so tired

Maybe one day they will hold me accountable

the only reason to participate in sunday school
is to please the preacher

reap what has been sewn into neuron coated fabric
return the parts to proper place

to make me whole again

it has always been funny to me
that they call it
sin city

because it follows that
sins are commodified, justified, or monetized

speaking for myself here
if my sins were contained to
a place, or given a context
a simple time and place
they would lose meaning
if there is any in the first place

my sins are old
my sins are new
my sins are whatever

My captain lived by the parkway
and he couldn't stand the sound of cars crashing at night
the roar and thunder triggered him
but he always loved having a front seat view

My parole officer is lost somewhere in Arkansas
They say Camel is the devil's brand
That's what my neighbor said
two days later
he was dead

forget all that burns for all that soothes
forget all that pulls for all that keeps you in place
pupils as wide as dishpans
like a deer in headlights, but like a deer who forgot what headlights meant

i thought you might question the blood on my white collar shirt but you never said anything about it
we paraded around for a few hours
went home at a decent time
left for Mexico in the morning

all you have to do is pay bills and fall over

******* on the assembly line workers
with your corporate grin

Alive in a state of quiet observation
with sinks full of insects
and a body of christ

A document written in a dead language
The pledge is recited backwards
They embed themselves in the flesh

Spores used for growth or salts used for sniffing or songs used for sleeping

Heard you pounding at the door
and
I wanted nothing more than
to invite you in

life as a means of the beautiful but lethargic aura
**** the colors you might see
i ******* see them deeper

and i have nothing platonic to say to you
i've been holding you the entire time
so break free

The door is open
You don't need to worry about sticking a foot in

We're here for you
but right now we've taken leaves of absence
We're here for you
but soon we'll be gone

But I can see you now
You don't have to talk to anyone about it
You don't need permission

You have my unconditional attention after all

i didn't light my house on fire to be consoled by ashes and fragments
i did it to prove that
between puddles and eggshells, there isn't too much room to move
i hope that you can see that now

if you smile
commit yourself to it
clench your grin between your jaws

capacity and expression
are not mutually exclusive
assign yourself an emotion
and delve into it until your bones crack
stiff and under pressure

but we **** on the same pacifiers
we inhale the dust from the factory floor

wintergreen coated plastic
put it between your gum and your cheek

its all the same, but a little different
just a little

Pour that salt into my mouth
Hang me by my ankles off a bridge

Pour some salt into my mouth
Feed me lies and insects

Pour your salts into my mouth
Don't ask why and continue on

Fill my mouth full of salt
Clean my teeth with alcohol
Make me realize what I've done

Drag your nails across my skin
Dig your thumbs into my eyes
Puncture my ear drums with your best knife
Stimulate yourself
Dress me up and
pour
your
salt
into
my
mouth

Make me feel that I'll never escape
Mechanize me with stabilization
and wash these salts from my throat

complex
serpentine in posture
unending
relentless

i cut my achilles' tendon
and ran for you like i never thought i could

the entire time
inching further from myself

the tides have come for me
the lights in the watchtower scream now
i am carried away in a fluorescent red wave of relief

i am at ease
i am at rest
i can never escape

the sirens won't stop going off in threes
the bird is still calling as if the night means nothing at all

and I come home to drown in the same water bed every night because I love the way it feels

a well documented severe case of marginal disassociation
keeps my belly warm during the winter

in the deepest snow we could find we buried all of our necessary accessories

protective eyewear and bonesaws
the sawing of marrow
somehow a familiar sound to my ears

grace me with your otherworldly presence
or get as far away as you can
as fast as possible
through no fault but your own

Escapism as a form of affection
Even when I close my eyes I can feel my disfigurements emerging
My head is too heavy for sleep

The oozing, the subtle sting, the infinite burning, the bandages; life pours out of my sutures and gaping incisions
My real self is a part of my past

I cannot feel my face
I cannot save myself from my thoughts
I am as much of a ******* as I am a parasite; flesh is the ultimate interloper and my organs are divided into spheres of influence

My body is colonized and turned into the birthplace of my disease

a culture too sensitive to exist
you should not care what people think about you because they do not matter

at least I now know we are not meant to last

i fix myself up
i go out on the road
i stay in your room
i **** myself up
i **** myself up
i **** myself
up

you gave birth to the wrong kind of monster
i work myself up
i **** myself over

I turn off the lights at orphanages
just to hear the sound of them cry

because trust me, trust me, even a ******* stray deserves to die

and whispering but I am not there I am not there I am not there

i dyed my hair jet black in the bathroom so no one would recognize me
because i am nobody
in five senses
with tremendous lateral pressure

i was born with two collapsed lungs
i think my first breath is still trapped inside of them

He's not dead
He doesn't come up for air anymore

He's not dead
He couldn't figure it out in time

He's not dead
He's right where you left him, and he can't move on his own

He's not dead
He is pulling the skin off his fingers like string

He's not dead
He is drunk and he is laughing

He's not dead
He's coughing up feathers

He's not dead
He's pulled out all of his teeth

He's not dead
He's not dead

trees are not good for hiding from me
because i can cut them down
i will burn this entire ******* forest to get you back

i will string myself between the tree trunks
i will replace the bark with my skin
so you can rip me off more easily

please come back to me
but never do
please

Mankind has been taught to think for too long
so we should stop

How can you trace my
bones with your
hands

How can you touch me after what I've done

face the whole ******* world
convince yourself you aren't who you are
i have no ******* idea
and it doesn't matter

shine the lights brighter
******* brighter
blind me
i don't ******* know and i couldn't tell you

can you count the number of times you did it on your fingers?
cry on someone else's shoulder
grind your teeth until they shatter

you should be made to bleed from the mouth
as you spew your ******* garbage
as you spew your ******* garbage

let me crucify you for a change
and show you just what you've done

as far as i'm concerned
i've been in an assisted living community my entire life
they lock the doors at night, we all do as a community of course but

the security guard seems to have forgotten his hourly rounds
because it smells like gunpowder and gasoline in here

as far as i'm concerned, i've been in the same place for most of my life

blood concrete bash
all of my insides smell like embalming fluid
and i can't afford to carry this **** around all day anymore
i am going to get arrested if they find it

price tags and delicatessen tickets
your number is up
it is time

you forgot to take your price tag off
so they're doing work on you
they will fix you
they will end you

fell asleep on a bed of broken glass
wrapped my hands around my throat
stabbing at love blindly with a broken ringfinger

dig me in with a shovel
put me in the ground
but don't let me rest

sometimes I am *****
sometimes I am pure
sometimes I am right

my body is assaulting the person beneath scars
and I am no longer afraid of what I think I might be

guess I'll be missing your birthday party this year

losing focus in the nosebleed section
i never reserve seats
and they give me these for free

doing time until time can't be done
it is okay to sleep in your car but only if you don't have a mattress

bound to incorrect gods
another unimpressive but expected sunrise
another waltz around the room

the urn was broken and the ashes of every dream I've ever had were broken with it

I am not just a *******
At least I have some sort of control
I am ****, in a bag
I am contained
Throw me out after you finish walking the dog

i timed all my synapses so evenly that now they are quantized in perfect 4/4 time with my heartbeat
you couldn't ask for much more, or so i hope
i have
nothing left to offer any of
you

in the later evening  when neither parent is home I laugh and I nod and I shake and I don't make a sound as my sanity is deduced to strings between my muscles

every year is getting longer
every night is feeling colder and
biting at my bones
and eating at my sinuses

this house
i made it
from bricks and twigs and pieces of animals from the woods
so
then i knew i would
have a place to call home

So I was
petrified the night you left me
I was scared
I am so ******* scared

Patience is a virtue better taught than practiced

I want to sleep endlessly
Give me a drug to do all three
An abundance of violence

If it were up to me it'd be an all out war

digestion
what is it?
i can say i really  missed it

well
i can't see much
on the road I'm on
but my high beams
seem to guide me along

digestion
what is it?
i can say i really missed it

a swing of the cane and a
toss of the hat
to seal em in for the night
and force their mouths open
to feed em off our plights

fumigate me
remove me
release me
because
it is warranted
follow the rules
tear into my bloated carcass
see what real hunger feels like
see

a fully functioning novocaine addict
i need to be
made to feel like i need to rip the wiring out of my mouth
at all times

silence hasn't existed and never will
silence is something you can't create
silence isn't something
silence is nothing