A dream of a hug
From someone you love
Just a dream, a moment
And all that bitter anger
Is washed away
Diluted to insignificance
And you wake with...what?
Peace? Hope? Love?
All the things you thought
You'd never see again
It wasn't real, it wasn't really her
But the peace, the hope, the love?
Those are real
Those remain

If I were to tell me
My much younger me
That I'd be a druggy
Well, I'd probably believe
If I were then able to see
This handful of boring
Well, I'd think I was crazy

__

When the maelstrom ended, and Earth and Sky grew cool,

The Sky found itself adrift, a wandering fool.


Does the Earth think the Sky vacuous in flight?

Or does she know the wind only flees the cold night?


Does the Earth still remember, the Sky so far?

Does she still have a place for him in her heart?


When she sleeps, does she dream of clouds in blue sky?

When she wakes, is she warmed by the suns caring eye?


Would Earth say to Sky, you don't remember,

When Earth and Sky were young and lived as one ember.


Were you dancing in the trees, dazzled by stars?

Were you lost on the ocean, did you travel so far?


Silent Sky stirs, gathering mist and cloud,

And a light rain falls as the Sky thunders aloud:


Dear Earth, You are the reason I am spurred by the sun,

Your distance the very darkness from which I run.


Dear Earth, please know, it is not you that I flee,

I'm all around you, for you are the heart of me.

Intricate labyrinth of neurons
Within whose web I dally, caught
Tangled synapse-bridged *****
Continuously recalling tallied thought

Laser-etched steel-plate memories
Deny wisdom so dearly sought
Reinforcing episodic-twisted realities
Revealing epiphany where is naught

Neuronal circuits staccato-fire rapidly
Tetanizing notions trauma-wrought
Spike-timing-dependent plasticity
Potentiating emotions distraught

Swearing healing by hippocampal oath
Promising surcease to wet-work hard-fought
Neurogenesis rebuilds hope for both
Amygdalan peace and neural-networked bio-robot

I know, ultimately, it's true what they said,
That when it all comes down, we make our own beds,
Now we're adults, let's mess up the covers by jumping like kids,
I know we've a long way to go, but there's a life to be lived!

The plains-stretched sky soars sullenly,
Graceless sans hills, lonely less trees.
Starkly exposed tending swept-grass streams,
With naught but sparse clouds to mask modesty.

Let me glimpse the sky peaking playfully behind arboreal eaves,
Branches breaking blue monotony with autumn-bright leaves.
Show me a valley mid-winter-doze, cozy between mountains steep,
Sleepy sun-shadows shifting on snow as the sky climbs for her peek.

Don't have her eyes O' Lord
Bear the eyes of a devil before hers
Better even to stare with dead eyes
Let it be neutral, your saving gaze

-
     I forget about my faith,
And all the things I'm taught.
     I see the end is near,
But all my life I've fought.
     I want to go to sleep,
To never wake again.
     What is this thing approaching,
Should I call it a friend?
     I'm feeling restless,
But I have nowhere to turn.
     Either I go back,
Or go ahead and burn.
     I see my life, my luck,
And I am sure I'm hexed.
     What should I do when I don't know,
Just what I should do next?

Several times in my life I have had the strange sensation that I might just fall up into the sky at any given moment.  Like gravity would, for some reason, simply stop affecting me.

It happened once when I was seven, laying on my back in the summer grass, cloud-watching.

It happened again, when I was seventeen, while I was staring at the stars reflected in the water.

And once just now
when I thought about
you loving me.

She set me on fire and asked, "Why's it so hot in here."

Ascending shadows free frigid forest
From silently stalking sylvan guest
Lilac light lilting songbirds astir
Crystals cascade from ruffled fur
Halting hoof crinkles tinkling grass
Seeking silver trickling under glass
Softly stifled step echoes eerily alone
Tickling giggling reply from icy stone
Drinking doe darts sight unseen
Elusive as spring in this snowy scene

They say one's life is supposed to flash before one's eyes prior to the moment of death.

When I go, I hope I have time to get to the part where we met...

I wanna fall in love with you all over again.

She would stand in the path of an avalanche and yell, "Stop!"
Frack me if she wouldn't actually expect the avalanche to respect her.
She'd be thinking about how to teach the avalanche manners,
Safe inside her brand-new igloo.

The most fun I ever had
Was making you laugh

It's not the giving, it's the spirit

But being giving, the spirit gives

So it is the giving of the spirit

It wasn't the kind of heartbreak
That you get over with a road trip

It wasn't the kind of heartbreak
You got over with a peyote trip

It was the kind of heartbreak
You carry with you through your life

It was the kind of heartbreak
That makes your heart a graveyard

It was the kind of heartbreak
That makes the grave feel like home

They were taught faith

under the guise of Stockholm Syndrome

We were in love, successful, and happy,
We had a graphic novel series and a hit CD.

We did everything together, I stood tall beside her,
Then some insecure scientist turned on their LARGE particle collider.

Right was down, and down was blue, and blue was east,
Now she's married to another man, and I got no teeth.

I miss your hand in my hand
I want your hand on my shoulder
I need your hand on my...anything

In Soviet Russia,

God believe in YOU.

Two politicians standing around the grill in Anycity, USA.

"So wha'd'ya want? Heart or mind?" Asks the first politician.

"Mind," Answers the second.

"A man after my own heart!" Chuckles the first.

Standing outside looking in,
Running circles with the wind.

Lose the self I've never known,
Chasing light that's never shown.

Forever rise to no avail,
Rusted, bent, and brittle mail.

The rising sun breaks on eager round,
It's dying screams release no sound.

This sadness might pass me by,
If I was ever left alone to cry.

Hell threatens no pain,
I have suffered it all.

Death hides no fears,
I have seen them all.

Anger hoards no fury,
I have wasted it all.

Life offers no fire,
I have burned it all.

Longing loses no sorrows,
I am them all.

Birds perched by, quaking upon branch or limb
They heard not my aching, but sang out for Him
Unwitting avians cried, crooning flowering grief
Shaking land and sky, swaying bough and leaf

Sweet somber tune a cloud astride cold wind
Fleet wandered moon and bowed aside for Him
Breathless hush broken, lark tongue arose in
Reckless rush for halcyon star hung frozen

Revelation brightly opined, did thus impart to me
Creation's peace divine; That I, though apart from thee
Stood in presence of love, and by starry sight knew
Good luminescence held above, the same I hold for you

TL:DR

"I look like a melting gargoyle when I cry."

She laughed, like wind-chimes in sunlight, soothing and warm. She replied, "You don't have to show me."

"Will this really work? I feel silly."

"Well you won't know unless you try, now will you?" She smiled.

"Okay, okay. Like this?" I asked, crossing my hands over my chest.

"Kinda," She reached out and adjusted my hands slightly, "Like that, gently, like you're holding a baby bird against your heart."

She let go of my hands and floated backwards a pace, watching me encouragingly.

Still feeling silly, I tried to clear my mind, while remembering her instructions;

Focus, stay relaxed...

OK.

Think of hope, I told myself, and as I did I began to bring my cupped hands down away from my chest and hold them facing the sky.

"*******!" She exclaimed, leaning in, her face alight with - something.  

I started to lower my hands, thinking as I do, that she was poking fun.

Her face fell, and her hands shot out like lightning, gently bracing my hands and preventing me from lowering them. "Don't be shy," she smiled softly.

I looked up into her eyes, wary, but her face showed only concern.  I looked down again, ashamed of my reaction, and she ducked her head to maintain eye contact.  "You're a squirmy one, aren'cha?"

I felt my face flush, but I laughed, despite my anxiety.

She nodded towards my hands, "Don'cha wanna know what I see?"

I saw nothing. "Sure," I said, trying not to sound skeptical.

Apparently I failed because she let out another peal of chiming laughter.  She seemed to sober a bit, without losing her carefree smile and leaned in a bit more closely.  She peered into the bowl formed by my cupped hands like it was filled with stars instead of empty air.

She remained like that for what seemed an eternity.  I held as still as I could, awaiting her judgment.  She straightened and looked at me, very seriously.  Her face was not hard, exactly, it was like a waterfall that had just stopped falling, all trace of humor was gone.

"Why are you ashamed of me?" She asked softly, no anger or hurt, just concern.

"I..." I didn't actually know how to answer.  I thought for a moment, the both of us standing there, with her holding my hands like a fortune teller.

"I think I have just been convinced, over and over, that I should be." I said somberly.

"Silly boy," she replied, her face once again alive with that same ephemeral light.  "Don't you know?  People will tell themselves all kinds of things when they're hurting.  Don't you go and let hurt steal your hope, your light!"  

I hung my head a bit, somewhere, deep down, I did know.

She shook her head slightly, and smiling a bemused little smirk, she glided closer.  With her left hand she began to push my hands back up towards my chest, and brought her right hand around to cup the back of my neck, simultaneously drawing our foreheads together.

Her eyes drifted nearly closed, as if she was falling into a trance, and as my hands reached my chest she whispered something I could not quite understand.

I saw it first in her eyes, a faint glow, and as she finished her short silent prayer the tiny glow flared into uproarious brilliance!  The blinding light suffused us, filling my vision with blue/white fire.  

Hope's warm countenance floated before me now in the heart of a star, and just before I awoke, I realized that the light was coming not from her eyes, but from beneath my cradled hands.

You're much stronger than any antidepressant I've ever been prescribed.

That's it.
That's the whole poem.
Not really much of a poem.
Not really much of a way to live either.
But it's what I got.

If I could quit you
If I could resist

If the truth did not ring true
If the pain did not persist

If the sun were to fail to shine
If I didn't live for dreams of rain

If they didn't drip-dry into this heart of mine
If I didn't weave them into and between every refrain

If I lost myself and I couldn't remember why
If I could ignore that you're not here, holding my hand

If I could picture your picture and refuse to cry
If I wasn't on my knees, if I was able to stand

If there was a drug to take to make me forget
If it erased longing, and sorrow, and pain, and regret

If I could simply eat it and you'd disappear
If I could just drink it and drift off, free of fear

If I pretended to want these things to come true
I would only be lying to myself, trying to spare you

Daaaaamn gurl,

You got a **** brain on you!

I was never sure if she was
locked away in a tower somewhere

Or if she was the dungeon master
and I was the one on the rack

Her star is her spirit
Her heart is my light
Weather, far, or near it
Illuminates my night

Strung prose
Like puzzle pieces
Broken across the page
No longer
Im too linear now
For all that
Maybe
Before long
I'll write
Instruction manuals
And think
They're poetic

Fingers slide, sensuous,
Tracing sunlit skin,
Caressing warm memories,
Etching my heart within.

Lips share passions,
Of word and kiss,
Tongues bare souls,
Fears, hopes, and bliss.

Dreaming in your embrace,
Arms encircle, legs entwine,
Drifting in your eyes,
Love reflected, in yours, in mine.

I have wings,
but no feet.
I am escape,
without retreat.
I am surrender,
but not defeat.

It is a painful, strengthening, heart-breaking, uplifting, terrifying, enlightening, emptying, and fulfilling journey through horror and wonder.

Leading one inevitably towards confrontation with oneself.  

It is the path to balance.

It was your choice
I wasn't your boss
I had no voice
It was your loss
I wished you'd stayed
I should have chased
I never betrayed
I never replaced
I wanted you back
I let you go
If you were to ask
I'd have to say no
I changed my mind
I would say yes
I tried to be kind
I should've guessed
It's not your fault
It's you I blame
In every thought
I play this game

You passed me
And I thought

Wow, she is beau-
Oops, that's not cool

-You're on a diet, but
-You can look at the menu

Yeah, but
I love what's on my plate.

Your gender roles
don't go very well
with my anxiety jam

I suppose the knife was used,

More like a tool,

But having been stabbed in the chest,

To not consider it a weapon,

We'd be thought the fool,

So to give the story that final deft twist,

We were convinced the blade didn't exist,

It's a scenario Kaiser Soze simply couldn't resist.

I try to show you
A little piece of me
But it's not like I can
Lay out my soul;

A.
  B.
    C.

I mean hell,
You won't even
Speak to me.

For someone like me
being told you're getting
exactly what you've always wanted
is like being told that you have
24 hours to live.

Because nothing I've ever wanted
really, actually, down-deep wanted
has ever worked out.

The more important something was,
the more ****** up the eventual outcome.

This self-fulfilling prophecy has been
more reliable than any family
member, friend, or lover has ever been.

It's never let me down.

The idea of living life, not just surviving, but actually LIVING life,

Is like the idea of Angels or Miracles or Night-visiting-aliens:

I've heard stories, but it's never actually happened to me.

I am not an Atari running Logo.

I will wear a turtle costume for you.

I will Go-To-Line-22, and I will STOP for you.

I will even Go-To-End, for you.

But if you're not there, for me, you'll eventually find that turtle costume unresponsive.