I am lost inside my head
Every time I lay in my bed
Waiting for sleep to wash over me
Sleep, that blissful nothing.

I am lost inside my heart
My emotions are tearing me apart
But that pain is nothing
Compared to how I constantly feel

I am lost within this world
This world of pain and insincerity
I wish someone would carry me
Back home to where I used to be free

Free from having to search my heart
In order to play my part

In the midst of this storm
I have to pretend to be someone
Who isn't me.

i.

i used to only write sad poems.

ii.

you see,
i am a cynic,
a cemetery,
a holocaust,
a chaotic, distant, lost girl
buried in her own
self-destruction.

but with you
i am different.

i want to wake up,
keep my promises,
make up for lost time,
spill blood and ink,
try again,
live

for you.

iii.

you walk me home
and the skies blush
pink cloud summers
mid-December.

we part and i marvel
at the sepia tint
of backyard roses
blurring my lenses.

you came in
like the missing palette color
i never knew
i needed
my skies painted with.

iv.

now, you are all the love poems
i didn't know i could write.

and every metaphor i create
is just a lengthier version of
'i love you'

i really do.

My self worth sleeps
with my self loathing
and the devil is watching
the whole thing go down
and whats one more scar
on a dented heart
and it hurts to breath
but it feels good to bleed
so I keep something sharp
underneath tear soaked pillows
and there is a dream somewhere
saying all this pain is worth it
and there is a reason somewhere
saying to keep my head up
and there is someone
who wants to listen
and there is someone
who wants to say something
and its all been said before
but maybe we can say it
one more time and maybe theres something more to living
than watching the devil
watch my self worth
sleep with my self loathing

Interesting, isn't it?

When people say they care.
I know they don't give a
****, at least don't give me false
Hope you never feel like this

Mind over matter they always say
You don't see that my mind is the matter

Letting you see my demons
I give you my trust and you just
**** it up
Everyone says "I care" but

When it really comes down to it
Only very few would stay
Unless they can gain from staying
Lions on the prowl, waiting for their
Dinner, my heart and mind

Everything weighing me down and
Not a single joy in sight
Death seems better than this migraine of a life

I went to bed with flowers in my hands and woke up carressing a rifle.
My delusion of self can offer me no help, cause you've been twisting sides.
Making me fall in love with you, you're waging a war of lies.

Cold metal sooths open wounds, I never knew you could be this cruel.
fragments of the mirror stare back at the fragments that remain.
Theres nothing I can see that looks anything like me.

So' I'm wondering where I am and who you are?
and when this ever got this far?
I idolised you and now i despise everything you do.
I can't stop myself asking, am I falling out of love with you?

"You flinch a lot"
Yeah I know
There's a reason for that
You may be joking
But that doesn't mean everyone in my past was

"You always cry when someone yells"
Yeah I know
There's a reason for that
I've had threats screamed at me
And words that can never be forgotten

"You forgive people easily"
Yeah I know
There's a reason for that
I've given out a lot of chances
Everybody deserves a second one

"You're a cold ***** sometimes"
Yeah I know
There's a reason for that
Numbness used to be the thing that kept me alive