I've never been one to ask for help
I've always been the one
Who would rather strain a muscle
Or drop something on my toe
Than admit weakness

Now I wonder how I managed this far in life
Failing to understand the definition
Of the word
                                                                Strength



Ants can lift 20 times their own body weight
But even though it sometimes feels like it
I am not an ant.

Sometimes I fall victim
To the Grand Cliche
When I sit awake at night
Listening to the sound of the crickets
Provide backing vocals
In the summertime
In the sweet summertime
And I think to myself
That somewhere far away
You're probably doing the same thing
Listening to songs that make you feel alive
And soaking up the night air
Maybe listening to the crickets as well
And in that way
Maybe
You aren't quite so distant
*Strange how the night moves

I've been out of school for less than a week
And I'm already mostly nocturnal
I'm not sure if that has anything
To do with the fact
That it's easiest to recall you face
Or the sound of your laugh
When I can sit in darkness
My mind unmarred by the harshness
Of the sun illuminating a reality
Where you aren't here

It might be that in 4 months
I won't even remember the way
You silently shook with laughter
Or the way you looked
When you took off your glasses
To clean them on your shirt
The way you absent mindedly made music
Wherever you were
Whether by tapping on your desk or with
The old guitar that your dad gave you
How you always had
Some obscure reference
To relate to anything and everything
And how you were unequivocally kind

It might be that in 4 months
Your face has stopped
Making cameo appearances
In all my dreams
And the songs on my iPod
Have stopped being about you

As painful as it is  
To look for your face in every crowd
I think I would be lost
Without that last bit of hope
And I'm not quite ready
To let go of that yet

There are some songs
That if you catch me listening to them
By myself in the middle of the night
That's when you know
That I feel like a waterfall inside
Even if on the outside
I seem stagnant

I think the reason that life is so disorienting
Is because it's a little like
Driving down a road in the middle of the night
Doing 80
But the road has no streetlights
So all you can see is what's immediately ahead of you
And even then
You're moving so fast  
That sometimes landmarks don't register as important
Until they're already long gone
You just need to have some faith that if you keep going
You're not going to crash.

Tonight was the first time I cried over you
It was nice outside and I just wanted to lay on the grass
And get absorbed into the ground
On the ride home I put on songs that I knew would make me cry
Like a doctor expertly re-breaking a bone
So it will cause less permanent damage
It's better when I'm the one inflicting it anyway
I could never bear to view you as the cause of pain

I saw you watching my car as I drove away
And wondered if you wished I'd stay

I'm becoming addicted to words
And I think to myself,
"At least it's not ******."
But sometimes I think words
Can be just as dangerous

Why is it that I coast through most days
In a haze
But then at night
My mind's ablaze?

I never missed you so much
Until I was sitting on the bleachers
Listening to a band sing about love
And all I could do was pretend you were next to me
So I could reach for your hand as the music swelled
I'd give up forever to touch you

Somehow each song is about you
And the band has become the narrator of our story
That hasn’t even begun yet
I wish I could take back the music
And stop hearing your voice in every lyric
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

Even more I wish that you were here
In a presence greater than just in my mind
I want to believe that you are thinking about me
Because somehow I let everything remind me of you
I just want you to know who I am

I never wanted to be a cliche
But something about you makes it okay

I used to walk without seeing where I was going
For fear that I would meet someone’s eye
And they wouldn’t like what they saw

                      I used to hesitate to open my mouth
                                  For fear that what I had to say
                       Might make people think less of me

I used to try to take up as little space as I could
To leave room for people more important than I

                               I used to pretend I was a ghost
I used to float through life only halfway present
                  Always observing, never participating

I used to

I’ve grown so tired of being apologetic for merely existing

                  I meet peoples’ eyes when I walk now
                       And if they don’t like what they see
                                                             ­     ***** them

I try harder to say what’s on my mind
And people who don’t appreciate it
Can deal with it

I take up as much space as I need to be comfortable
Because I realize now that my comfort is not a reason to feel guilty

I am starting to live life for the first time and it feels so hopeful
I can feel the ghost dwindle every day
Maybe, one day, I might be a whole person
                                                          ­       **Maybe

I like songs with rough edges
   Ones that sound like they were created
in the dusty corners of someone’s garage
    Songs that were recorded with ancient
                                  and ailing equipment
          That play back fuzzy and distorted
            Songs that are raw and unfinished
             Songs with unharnessed emotion

They aren’t mellow or soothing
They offend with every beat
They have corners and sharp spines
They cut and tear with each chord

                    I like songs with rough edges
Because they can pierce through my skin
                           My shields are powerless
       All defenses are rendered ineffective
                                          I am left exposed

I like songs with rough edges
Because they force me to feel
        The things I had locked out
        The things I have been so afraid of letting in
        The things that remind me that I'm only human


                   I like songs with rough edges

                                                         That match my own