I find myself sitting next to empty spaces
That happen to be about your size
And laying all the way to one side of the bed
So as not to kick you too much in my sleep
Someone took a photo of me the other day
And there was a strange imbalance within it
My figure pressed against the edge of the frame
Smiling absently at the emptiness beside me
I leave room for you wherever I go
I just wanted you to know

When I was little I was afraid of ghosts
Back when they were only misplaced shadows
And creaky floorboards
I was not prepared
For the ghosts made of flesh in blood
That hide in the corners of my mind
Even if I could exorcize you
It would be more like an eviction
I'm as much yours as mine at this point

Maybe we're happier in my daydreams
Than we could ever be in reality

Who am I to ruin that
With the truth

It's fine
I think as the end of the semester draws near
It's fine
I whisper as as I consider the impending time apart
It's fine
I mumble as I get dressed on the last day of class
It's fine
I say to my reflection as I prepare to see you one last time
It's fine
I insist as I approach you and ask to talk
It's fine*
I prepare on my lips, ready to gracefully accept your polite rejection
*It's fine

I always thought that that orange sweatshirt you wear so much
Was like a beacon that would always guide me to you
Until today when I needed to see you the most
And suddenly everyone was wearing orange
And the color started hurting my eyes
And eventually I just drove away into the rain
And everything turned grey
"It's fine," I tell myself
Grey is just as good a color as any

when i entered class this morning
my face was wet from the rain

when i left this afternoon
it was wet with tears

it's what happened in the middle
that i'm a little foggy on

You think I’m overreacting
And I guess that might be true
But who gets to decide that?
I’m sure it isn’t you

I panic while in grocery lines
And worry about ordering food
You tell me that it’s stupid
I tell you that you’re rude

You don’t get to tell me
That my worry is misplaced
You think that I don’t know that?
Get the hell out of my face

You think I want to be this way?
You think it’s all a game?
The fact that you can’t understand
Is such a ******* shame

I’m sorry you can’t sympathize
Or maybe you don’t try
You think you have all the answers
But you don’t, okay? Goodbye.

You can look at a broken bone
And understand completely
But because my wound is in my head
You consistently mistreat me

It’s because of people just like you

That I feel like I have to hide
I pretend that I’m perfect
And lock my fears inside

The truth is that I’m tired
The truth is it’s a pain
I wish I could show my true self
Without being called insane

And we drank cheap champagne out of paper cups
While we reminisced about things
That we had complained about while they were happening
And I looked at you from the corner of my eye
And wished you wouldn't go
But I know you are needed elsewhere

Your happiness means the world to me
Even if that means you have to leave

I want to scream at you to let me go
I'm not worth being held on to
But even as the words drop from my lips
My hand can't seem to drop yours from my grasp

I want to tell you to run
And never spare another glance my way
But even as I urge you to turn away from me
I can't seem to tear my eyes from your face

I want to warn you that I'm no good
And that I'll end up ruining everything
But even as I ask you to cleanse yourself of me
I can't bare the thought of washing the smell of you from my sheets

I want, no, -need- you to forget about me
And never send a word my way again
I know you are better off without me in your life
And at least I'll have my memories of you to keep me warm

People tend to get the wrong idea about me
Thinking I'm competent, functioning, well adjusted
And I think that's because
My particular brand of self destruction
Is more or less invisible
Unless someone really cares enough to look
And they rarely do

I keep writing these words
And, like yelling into a pillow
It's somewhat cathartic
But I can't help but be dissatisfied
At the lack of practical application
No one can hear my cries
Or maybe no one is listening
Regardless
This changes nothing

Sleepless nights and long drives
Are not enough time
To make me choose
Between the two of you
If I had to pick today
I'd probably just run away
I have nothing to offer either of you

The cruelest thing the world ever did to me
Was try to convince me that everyone was good

sometimes i try to stop breathing
i have no end game
no intent to hurt myself
but sometimes i put my head under water
and hold my breath until my lungs ache

but then there are the times
when my body stops breathing for me
i struggle/ taking quick/ ragged breaths
unable to make my lungs feel full
and this is when it feels like drowning
and all i can do is lay still
and feel the weight in my chest dragging me
                                                                ­                 d
                                                              ­                      o
                                         ­                                              w
                                                               ­                            n

it's strange how someone can feel empty
yet so heavy

I've grown used to this weight in my chest
And I worry sometimes
That if it should dissipate
Maybe I'd float away
And become even more lost
Than I am now

The weakest shade of blue
Is the color of my eyes in the dim light of my room
As I sip a lukewarm beer
Headphones crammed into my ears
Filling my head with distortion and feedback
Replacing the noise in my brain
With a more aesthetically pleasing version
I never want to see you when I'm sober
But I want you so bad

There are different kinds of sadness
Everybody knows that
There's the kind that leaves you empty inside
Draining your energy
Through leaks at your tear ducts

There's the kind that leaves you still
Unable to force yourself to move
Because you might shatter
Any sense of wellness that you have left

And there is the kind that sits
Like a vulture
A weight in your chest
Taking up important space
Where your lungs should reside
Leaving you short of breath
Making you feel so heavy
You sink
Like an anchor thrown off a dock
And in the depths of the dark water
You are lost

I am the leaves falling
Through the October sky
Gracefully accepting
A fate I did not decide

I am the moon as a cloud
Moves to cover my face
It doesn't count as hiding
If I was forced in this place

I am the birds fleeing
From the season of cold
Avoiding the inevitable
Searching for a new home

I am the wind as it sweeps
Through the forests
Invisible until someone
Feels my presence first

And I am the feeling
That you get late at night
You don't know what's wrong
But nothing feels right
And you're too nervous to try
To turn on the light

There are some people
Who can't just be described with words
Sometimes they need colors
You were always amber
Sometimes they need temperatures
You were always pleasantly warm
Sometimes they need music
I could dance to your rhythm forever

There are people I love more than you
And many I love less
But not all loves are equal
And yours was always best

Maybe my feelings for you aren't that unique
But even if all snowflakes were the same
The sight of one on Christmas Eve
Would still awake the magic in the heart of a child

I've written so many poems
About the way you devastate me
As if you were a hurricane
And I the unsuspecting shoreline
I haven't written enough
About you

There's a certain poetry
In the way you speak
That I could never duplicate
And I could liken your smile
To something that would hang in a gallery
But I won't
There may come a day
When the sound of your laugh
Won't resonate inside me
But today is not that day
Your presence is almost lunar
Commanding me like the ocean
The corners of my mouth
Stretch skywards with the waves
You radiate warmth
In waves of gold and amber
I thought you were the moon
But perhaps you're like the sun

Maybe I don't write about you more
Because it's an impossible feat

Her eyes,
Like many others,
Are the color of a turbulent sea
Her voice,
Like many others,
Is gentle, yet forceful at the same time
Her words,
Like many others,
Bring kindness and laughter to the world
Her thoughts,
Like many others,
Are full of demons that she rarely shows
Her mind,
Like many others,
Is a medley of music and poems
Her heart,
Like many others,
Sits squarely in the right place

The little things about her,
Individually,
Are nothing special
But by some act of serendipity
They have coalesced
And I am thankful every day that they did

You are so much more than a collection of adjectives
You are my best friend (and probably my soul mate)

I'm not doing so well
And by the looks of things
Neither are you
I have to wonder
If we got together
If that would help dissipate this pain
Or if yours and mine would just collide
And in a sea of fire
Consume us both

I'm afraid to go to sleep
Because I keep dreaming about you
I feel my eyes getting heavy
  And as they droop
    The faint whisper of your lips across my lids
My muscles relax
  And as they loosen
    The unmistakable feeling of  your hands
      Trailing across my tired shoulders
My breathing slows
  And as it steadies
    The rhythm of your own breathing
      Settles in the space beside me
My eyes close
  And as the darkness takes me
    The feeling of your arms around me
      Makes me forgot why I was ever afraid to sleep

That is
  Until I wake up

Lately I've been waking from my dreams
More unsettled than if they had been nightmares
I'm haunted by the shade of your eyes
As they reflect the fluorescent lights above
I can't shake the phantom feeling
Of your hand perfectly interlocked with mine
And sometimes when I sit down
I am struck by the fact that you are not next to me
Because it feels wrong

I leave room for you wherever I go
I just wanted you to know

The possibility of you
Beckons to me
In a voice like amber

I can almost feel your lips on my neck
And that does nothing
To help solve my sleeplessness

I'm sitting here staring at an empty space
It's not that I don't have things to fill it with
In fact, I have an abundance of things
Thoughts, memories, hopes
But they're all jumbled together
Tangled, like poorly stored necklaces
The chains wrapped tightly around each other
Almost impossible to separate

I could take everything out
Place it all out on a table
Try to gently detach each piece of myself
The problem with that, though
Is that more than a few of those baubles and chains
Were never meant to see daylight
I don't want to reveal the tarnished and rusting metal
The cracked glass pendants
And the lockets never meant to be opened again
Some things are to stay forever
Stored away in the darkest corners of my mind
I have a box on a dusty shelf there
Where they live

I guess I should look for a flashlight
So maybe I can try to sort out the better pieces
I know there must be some treasures there
Maybe I'm just hoping I might have something good left
I don't want to face the possibility
Of finding nothing but debris
Tattered trinkets on a dusty shelf
In the back of a damaged mind

Sometimes the space between us
Vibrates with the words we aren't saying
Perhaps that's not an accurate description
Maybe it's more like waves upon a shoreline
Gentle at times, at others forceful
But
        Always
                        Present

Some­times I wonder
Which one of us is the moon in this analogy
Or does it not matter?

I've noticed that my moods
Seem to be reminiscent of a pendulum
I can never experience intense happiness
Without a swift recoil in the opposite direction
Every moment of contentment
Every second of joy
Is matched with an equal measure of guilt
I begin to dread the very things
That bring me the most happiness
I begin to regulate my moods
Never letting them deviate too much
Trying my hardest to keep an equilibrium
Trying my best to steady the pendulum
Maybe I'm avoiding the worst of the pain
But at what cost?

I'm sorry for realizing that I deserve
Someone who's face lights up when they see me
And who makes me believe that I'm worth that light
But mostly I'm sorry that that person isn't you
Because I really wanted it to be, I swear
But  you just aren't

Recently I've been thinking
That I don't fit into your life
And I thought that this was because
I was like a piece from a different puzzle
Trying to force its way into an empty space
But now I'm thinking
Maybe the reason I don't fit
Is because you haven't made room
Like I'm waiting outside the doorway
Hoping that you'll take a step to the side
That you might welcome me in
But instead you've been standing in the entrance
Blocking my path
Now I just need to decide who closes the door
Will I wait for you to do it
Or will I take control of the situation
So maybe I can leave this with some of my dignity

My entire existence
Has been designed around
Inflicting the least amount of pain
But it seems that sometimes
I'm not very good at my job

I suppose if I were to tell you
How I really feel
If I were to actually do it-
For real
It might be like a weight was lifted
Though my words would
Sound so scripted
Tell me what you'd say?
Is there any use
In hoping everything would be okay?
Confidence isn't my strong suit
No one would dare dispute
But ugh you're just so ******* cute
Maybe my fate is already sealed
In a separate envelope from you

I will never get used to how easily
People come and go
Transient
Never meant
To be held on to

I'll never get used to
Thinking of others
In such a fleeting manner
How you can boil a whole person
Down to a few choice encounters

I was never one for reading the abridged copy

I don’t like that I’ve started measuring my time
In terms of days that I see you
And days that I don’t

How did I let myself
Become so invested
In someone who doesn’t even know
That I hear their voice in every song
And see their face in every dream

My mom says
That my room is a mess
Because I don't respect her
But honestly it's because
I don't respect myself

I'm writing
Partially because it's somewhat cathartic
Mostly because I'm afraid to go to sleep
I'm afraid of the demons that rise
Once I rid myself of all distractions
I'm afraid of the false hopes
That I might conjure in my dreams
I'm afraid that this is just one more
In a never ending parade of nights alone
Keenly aware of the empty space
In which another person would comfortably fit
But won't tonight
And maybe never will

I shouldn't be selfish
It seems like you need me
Just as much as I need you right now
But I can't seem to make myself
Knock down the barriers I've built
To let you in
I don't want to leave you in the rain
But the truth is
My roof is leaking
And it's just as wet inside
I keep peering at you through the fogged up window
Our eyes will meet for a second
And then I'll lose you in the seemingly endless haze
This storm has been going on for years
And for the longest time
When I would look outside
I would see nothing
Nothing but the rain
Now your eyes beckon to me
But I no longer remember where the door is
I'll stare through this window
Until you smash through it with a stone
Or until you turn away
And disappear into the woods
And leave me alone once again

I think about the fact
That each of us
Has been spending these nights
Sitting in our respective bedrooms
Fighting back the monsters in our closets
Always forgetting the one under the bed
That strikes just as sleep is about to come
With a swift remembrance
Of how alone each of us feels
And how hollow
I feel like we might make a good team
Like maybe together we could banish the demons
You get the closet, I'll check under the bed
Maybe we might finally get some rest
I'm so tired

The knowledge that you're hurting
Sits like an ember in my ribcage
Slowly simmering away
Next to vital organs
I try to douse it with tears
But it looks like I'm crying gasoline

I feel the emptiness
Where your body would fit next to mine
And suddenly I feel very small and alone
Lost in a space that is too big for me
This wasn't meant for a single person
I'm trying so hard to fill up this void
With patches and cleverly placed knick knacks
But the hole is still very visible
If I were to consult a real estate agent
They would advise me to fill it in
Pretend it was never there
Make the space more appealing
So that others may find it pleasant
I don't think I could bring myself to close it
I still have hope that one day
I won't have to worry about bad weather
Or drafts coming inside
Because the emptiness will be filled
And not by spackle and new paint
But with strong arms and a beating heart

Though I'm empty when you go
*I just wanted you to know

I always associated tears
With strong emotions
People cry when they are
Sad
        Frustrated
                            Angry
                                        Happy

But right now I feel nothing
And I think these tears must be confused
Because I'm devoid of strong emotions
I'm just hollow

                                                                                                  …and slightly wet

My life is consistently out of balance
I don't manage my time well
I'm either doing a million things
Or nothing at all
I don't manage my social life well
I'm either seeing everyone
Or no one at all
I don't manage my aspirations well
I either have dozens of dreams
Or none at all

And I think the worst of it
Is that I don't manage my emotions well
I'm either feeling everything
Or nothing at all
And this constant shift
Between all or nothing
Is disorienting in the most horrible way