I'm sitting here staring at an empty space
It's not that I don't have things to fill it with
In fact, I have an abundance of things
Thoughts, memories, hopes
But they're all jumbled together
Tangled, like poorly stored necklaces
The chains wrapped tightly around each other
Almost impossible to separate

I could take everything out
Place it all out on a table
Try to gently detach each piece of myself
The problem with that, though
Is that more than a few of those baubles and chains
Were never meant to see daylight
I don't want to reveal the tarnished and rusting metal
The cracked glass pendants
And the lockets never meant to be opened again
Some things are to stay forever
Stored away in the darkest corners of my mind
I have a box on a dusty shelf there
Where they live

I guess I should look for a flashlight
So maybe I can try to sort out the better pieces
I know there must be some treasures there
Maybe I'm just hoping I might have something good left
I don't want to face the possibility
Of finding nothing but debris
Tattered trinkets on a dusty shelf
In the back of a damaged mind

Sometimes the space between us
Vibrates with the words we aren't saying
Perhaps that's not an accurate description
Maybe it's more like waves upon a shoreline
Gentle at times, at others forceful
But
        Always
                        Present

Some­times I wonder
Which one of us is the moon in this analogy
Or does it not matter?

I've noticed that my moods
Seem to be reminiscent of a pendulum
I can never experience intense happiness
Without a swift recoil in the opposite direction
Every moment of contentment
Every second of joy
Is matched with an equal measure of guilt
I begin to dread the very things
That bring me the most happiness
I begin to regulate my moods
Never letting them deviate too much
Trying my hardest to keep an equilibrium
Trying my best to steady the pendulum
Maybe I'm avoiding the worst of the pain
But at what cost?

I'm sorry for realizing that I deserve
Someone who's face lights up when they see me
And who makes me believe that I'm worth that light
But mostly I'm sorry that that person isn't you
Because I really wanted it to be, I swear
But  you just aren't

Recently I've been thinking
That I don't fit into your life
And I thought that this was because
I was like a piece from a different puzzle
Trying to force its way into an empty space
But now I'm thinking
Maybe the reason I don't fit
Is because you haven't made room
Like I'm waiting outside the doorway
Hoping that you'll take a step to the side
That you might welcome me in
But instead you've been standing in the entrance
Blocking my path
Now I just need to decide who closes the door
Will I wait for you to do it
Or will I take control of the situation
So maybe I can leave this with some of my dignity

My entire existence
Has been designed around
Inflicting the least amount of pain
But it seems that sometimes
I'm not very good at my job

I suppose if I were to tell you
How I really feel
If I were to actually do it-
For real
It might be like a weight was lifted
Though my words would
Sound so scripted
Tell me what you'd say?
Is there any use
In hoping everything would be okay?
Confidence isn't my strong suit
No one would dare dispute
But ugh you're just so ******* cute
Maybe my fate is already sealed
In a separate envelope from you