I hate you.
I really do.

I just wish
I hated you
More
Than I
Still
Love you

Kissing you seemed like such good idea
Our faces were close
You were holding me
I was holding you back
You said,
"You have no idea how hard it is to control myself right now."
So I thought,
"Don't."
I threw caution to the wind
And I kissed you
There weren't rockets
No explosions
I wasn't even really nervous
That freaked me out
I pulled away and cried
Partly because I wasn't as confused as I should have been
Partly because it confirmed some things
I'm a horrible person for kissing you
And doing it twice at that
I'm going to ruin you
Break your heart
Not on purpose
But I will
And it will hurt me too

I love your huge green eyes
I love your bony, jointy hands
What a perfect fit
I love when you rub my leg,
Almost absent-mindedly
I love when you glance over at me and smile
I love when you kiss me
I love it even more when you pull away
And we both smile
I love when you hug me and hold on tight
I love listening to you talk about your family
I love staying up until 6am on the cold, janky stairs
I love our picnic of grapes and mac and cheese
I love when you walk up behind me and
Press yourself into my back
I love how your write
I love those ridiculous floral flip flops
I love that sweatshirt you stole from your mom
You look so carefree and cuddly when you wear it
I love the effortless way you dress
I love listening to you sing
I love your Conrad Birdie swagger
I love having tiny dance parties with you backstage
I love not feeling like I have to hold onto my thoughts
I love when you open up to me
I love how hard you're working to make yourself better
I love how much you love your friends
And how much they love you
I love that you didn't tell me what I should do
You just said, "I think you know what you should do."
I love that I don't have to guess how you feel about me
Or wonder if you care
Everything you do shows me how much you do
I love anticipating your messages
I love how free and easy this is
I love that you make me want to write poetry

It's eating me alive
Knowing you're somewhere
Alone
Trapped and stuck
Knowing I can't do
Anything
Nothing to help
I just want to reach out
Grab your hand
Never let go
Make it better
Fix it
Take away all your stress
All the problems and confusion
But I can't
So, I'll just sit here
And type
About how useless I feel

You're sweet
You make me laugh
You have great hands
You're dense as hell
I want you to hold my hand
All the time
Walking into your room was great
I could see how childish and fun you are
But I'm worried
I want you to know what you're doing
I don't want to get hurt because of your lack of experience
I can't see us together
Because I can't see myself opening up like I need to
I can't
I won't
I'm scared.

I don't want you to be in your bed.
I want you to be here
Talking with me
Letting me calm your fears
Pet your hair
Tell you it's going to be okay
That I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't say all the right words
At all the right times
I want you to wake up
Please
Wake up
Come here and let me fix this
Fix you.
I don't want you to be in bed
I don't want you to be asleep unless
It's with me
Forever

I thought I would feel more sad
A little heartbroken
Like I was missing something
But I don't
I don't feel anything,
Really

What is happening?
I'm afraid.
I've started crying again
Because I was frustrated
Because of someone else's failed relationship
Because Forrest's moms died
Movies and stupid feelings
They're nothing
Why was I crying?
What's happening to me?
I don't cry.
I cried for two months
All those tears for you
For us
What didn't work
What should have happened
Those were real reasons
A movie is nothing
Being irritated is nothing
Nothing
Nothing is anything compared to how I felt then
After those two months I quit
I quit crying
Forever
Not graduation
Not movies
Not pain
Nothing
Because nothing could hurt as much
As you hurt me
So I stopped crying
Until a month ago
And now I'm scared
I've shed tears
What is wrong?
What's happening to me?

I thought I was strong.

What I wouldn't give
To lean into you
And feel you press back into me
To place a quick kiss on your neck
When no one is looking
To stay up until 4am
Gossiping about nothing
To know you're still in love with me
And you plan to stay that way
To be promised forever
And have that promise be kept

I want to ask you everything and nothing
I want to know all of you
I want to dig down to the bottom
Dredge your lake
Find out everything
The good, the bad
And the unthinkable

I'm just worried
That if I search too deep
Go too far
Push too hard
That the only thing I'll be left with
Is a corpse

There will be parts of you
Remnants
Pieces
Maybe just shards
Floating on top of waves
Being pushed and pulled for eternity
Because I wanted to know too much

How could I not know?
Not sense your pain?
Not understand your low?
Why didn't you say?
How did I not notice?
Do you always keep things to yourself in that way?

How can I be so uncaring?
You listen to me
Never complaining, never comparing
You put up with my senseless babble
Words that don't really mean anything
Just stupid, girly, meaningless thoughts
You listen to me, never revealing your internal battle
You know everything about me
I know so little about you
What thoughts of pain fill your mind; what kind of debris

I thought we were friends
The very best kind
We shared ice cream and secrets
But now I realize that bond is all in my self-centered mind
I was so selfish
And it's all my fault
I never knew life for you had been so hellish

I hope you tell me why
I hope you open up
I hope you yell and scream and cry
Tell me what's been eating your guts
Hold nothing back
Explain every one of the deep cuts

What made it happen?
Who could it be?
How could something your joy ever flatten?
What's going on in your brain?
I don't understand
Tell me everything, do not refrain

Tell me, trust me
Just don't slip back into that dark place again
My steadfast loyalty is a guarantee
Just like Jake
I can be here too
That pain can be something I finally shut up and take.

I talk so things make sense
I try and apply words to situations
I try and make people feel things
Help them understand and comprehend

I babble to fill the emptiness
In the air
In the world
In people's hearts

Words take up space
They're decorative fluff
Syllables I'm constantly filling
Just so no one calls my bluff

I don't know anything
I haven't a clue
Hopefully my talking helps someone, anyone
Know what to do

I'm afraid you're not The One
And I'm wasting both our time

I'm afraid you don't know me anymore
That you have to be around me to know me

I'm afraid you're taking me for granted
Remind me why you love me

I'm afraid I'll break your heart
Please don't let me be right

I'm afraid this will end like very other time
Stay in my life

I'm afraid I'm blinded by fear
It's not your fault

I'm afraid it's not just the situation
It's just you causing confusion; doubt

I'm afraid this has run its course
Will we still be friends?

I'm afraid you are The One
So I can't let it go

I'm afraid this is all it will ever be
I can't do that to you

I'm afraid of this whole situation.

And I hate it.

He doesn't cling to you just because he loves you.

He holds you that close so you can't ever let go.