"Then, what is this?"
You asked.

The answer?
Hell if I know

That's a lie.
I do know.

It's everything I can give you right now.
All of me.

Except,
That's a lie too.

It's every part of me,
But a small bit.

That I keep.
To myself.

So I don't get hurt.
And you don't get too close.

So this
Is me protecting myself.

And hurting you.

You've been abused.
*****.
Had your heart torn out and toyed with.
Utterly ruined.
Thoroughly destroyed.
From the inside.
Out.

How dare I compared my pain to yours?
It's not even in the same realm.
We exist in different galaxies.

But not really at all.

It's like comparing lying and ******.
They're both sins.  
God despises the pair.
But only one
Seems worthy of ultimate despair.

So, how dare I compare?
I can't.
Not even close.
I just have to remember.
In each of us, something broke.

To me, hugging is so much more than
A simple embrace
It's a chance for me to connect with you
And share

If you're happy
I'll share in your joy
Let the happiness flit around my being
And soak it it

But not like a sponge,
I don't want to take it
More like a mirror
To let it be a part of me
And the reflect it back again at you
To increase
Always adding to

If you're sad, it's different
This will be a long touch
Me clinging to you, you clinging to me

Now is the time to be a sponge
I soak up all the bad
It's gone
You won't have it anymore
At least not in the same way

And that joy from the other times?
While the hurt flows from you into me
Through my left arm
My right is coursing with
Positivity and bliss
Straight into your soul

So next time we hug
Or even just touch
Know that it wasn't accidental
Or that it didn't mean anything
Because to both of us
It meant so very, very much

For most people
Dying is their biggest fear
And that
Is something I'll never understand.

I don't know why I should be afraid of going to live with my King
When he decides to call me home
Only good, shining happiness awaits for me

Sure, dying now would mean I miss somethings
I would never know marriage
Or children or grandchildren
But you can't miss something you've never had

I could leave right now and be happy
But what would make me the most content
Would be sacrifice

Each person has so much to contribute to the world
And if mine was to save someone's life
So they could change
Everything

I would be ecstatic
And that would make my life complete enough
For me to leave this earth
Fulfilled

It's not like I hate myself
I really don't
But I'll never understand
Why people would waste their breath
Or their time
On me

There are so many more noble things
And people that need more help
I have nothing really wrong with my life
Others should spend their time elsewhere

So save your breath
Conserve your words
Share them with someone else

Because it's not like I hate myself
I just don't need you to care.

There has to be a reason
That I can't let you
I won't allow you to escape
My mind

There has to be a reason
That no matter what I try
I am not able to love
Anyone else

There has to be a reason
That I still trust you
Even though you lied to me
Countless times

There has to be a reason
That I would give you another chance
I would open my heart
For you to break it all over again