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After you left me
I know it was my fault
the drinking the depression
sure it was me
it's always me.
I stopped seeing the therapist
she was right
I was the cause of my downfall
I needed to man up and change.
but I don't want to change
my brain and my heart
have been in a knife fight
all my life
I like my flaws
perfect things are boring.
so if this means I am broken
and less lovable
I don't care.
I like my flawed poems
better than her therapy.
they don't care how flawed I am
and never ever judge me
your laugh , like the early white
of Dogwoods in March, gently
chiding the naked oaks,
or elms falsely wearing the purple
wisteria dresses for the spring ball.
Your smile ,  like the spring sun
dancing off every bloom
a true sight this year , this day,
I gain again.
After so many years, It’s time I hold you accountable.

You were never a mother to me
That's why I never referred to you as one
I called you Helen
You were an adult who lived in the same house as me
That's how I saw you
I was numb to you
No feelings
Nothing but terror

I was scared of you
You hated my face
And I feared yours

I don't think I ever loved you  
I never felt warm when I saw you
I felt hostility
I tried to stay out of your way
Dodging your shadow

You never hugged me
You never kissed my boo boos
I never wanted you to

What type of messed up mother-daughter relationship did we have?
You defined our detachment
You made us this way
I obeyed your deranged relationship rules  
You never once told me you loved me
I never knew that word existed until I was older

You *****!
You never played with me
I'm still furious
You were never there
When I needed you
You did nothing a mom was supposed to do
You did not protect me
You did not give me a safe place to live
You beat me
You rejoiced in torture games
You varnished my body
To the ground you stood on
Making me feel less than human
Your mouth detonated bombs inside my ears
Exploding in isolation
I'm still cleaning up the debris it left behind
You neglected me every day
All you cared about was your drugs
Oh, and your men..

I remember you shoving me into the wall
Making an imprint of my body
I looked down to see
Your fingers tightly grasped around my collar
As I stared at your hands
I sadly watched you let go
You let me fall into the hole in the wall
Made by my body
And walked away
Never looking back
So I had to crawl myself out
And sweep the chalky dust off
A ghost lost in existence

I hate that I am angry right now
My heart is racing
Not hurting, just racing
I am closing my eyes in disgust
That’s what I feel for you
You left me for dead so many times
Begging for the ****
To end my suffering
But I always woke up
Fighting for my life in your hell

You were filled with poison and illness
I hate that I come from evil
I hate that you gave birth to me
I hate that I was dependent on you
I hate everything about you

I was just a kid
Small and scared...
Did you ever truly look into my scared eyes?
Eyes begging for your love
Did you ever stop to think?
What you were doing to me
Why didn’t you stop?
Why were you so twisted?

Guilt haunts me...
Where the **** was your guilt
If I come from you
Why am I so sensitive?
Guilt ridden?
Aware of basic principles ~ right and wrong
Where were your principles?
I don’t know....................

How did you get away with it for so many years?
I was left to fend for myself
I was starving
The pain in my stomach
The embarrassment of being so small
Broken bones...
Shattered heart
Why didn't you hold me?
Just once

You always told me I was your least favorite
The ugliest
I believed you
I couldn't look in the mirror without hating my flaws
Even when I was older
I didn’t look for my reflection
Especially if someone else was looking in the same mirror
I would notice all their beautiful features
Heightening the ugliness in my face
I would compare their faces to my hideous one
You manipulated me
Mind-****** me into seeing a beastly image
I still sometimes struggle with this
Despite how beautiful people say I am
I make an effort to believe them
But I do wonder and question it

You hid in your room
Only came out to hurt me
You tortured me like a prisoner of war
Knocking me out
Left me in a puddle of blood
Asked me to clean my mess
When I woke up confused
Blood lingered in my mouth
Swallowing  
Instead of rejecting
It happened so often
I got used to *drinking it

Grew to like the taste
Biting and chewing on the insides of my mouth
Until I tasted blood
Became my daily routine

You kicked in my ribs
Kept me up for nights
You threw me around like a rag doll
But I wasn’t your only target
I watched you assault my little sister
Trying to defend her
Getting your anger directed towards me
Sometimes it worked
But sometimes…
I had to helplessly squint in pain
As you beat the **** of her

Why were you filled with such anger?  
Hatred in your soul-less eyes
Smiling in my suffering
The satisfaction you had every time you hit me

You thought my boyfriend was cute
So you decided to take him
You wanted to make sure I had nothing
You never got me a birthday cake
Or even acknowledged my birthday
I had to sneak into your wallet
To find my Medicare card
To know when my birthday was

You never did anything nice for me
Except once
One pathetic time
I have one nice memory of you
That’s on you

Sometimes…
I think of an alternate ending for you
I wonder how life would be for you and me
If you were still alive
Would you have cleaned up your act?
Made an effort to be a mother?
Would I forgive you
If you changed into a kinder, caring person
I’m still not sure
A part of me hopes I would
While another part of me hopes
I would have disowned you
I didn’t forgive my father
I am happy he isn’t in my life
So I most likely would have done the same to you

I escaped you at the age of fourteen
You died when I was sixteen
You were ***** and beaten to death
How brutal is that
Was that karma?
No way!
No one deserves to die that way
I hate that you died that way
I went to your funeral
It was surreal.
My momster was gone
Forever

I guess I should say thank you
For teaching me four important life lessons

You taught me how be to independent
Which helped in my success  

You taught me about the destructive pitiful life of drugs
Which helped me stay away in my weakest moments

You taught me to hate a life of poverty
Which helped me pursue an education

You taught me about the effects of child abuse and neglect
Which helped me gain empathy for others

You always told me I was nothing....
Ask anyone in my life today
They will tell you the exact opposite
I AM your perfect contrast
You were nothing!!!!
Not me
I made something of myself
Trying to prove you wrong
Your belief that I was a loser
A nobody
A worthless dumb-***
The right push
I needed to rise above your abuse
Driving me to succeed

Thank you for never believing in me
Turns out
I didn't need you after all
You did not raise me
I raised myself
I taught myself
You didn't break me
You made me stronger

© Jl 2016
She’s not as genuine as cubic zirconia

or Christmas tree tinsel.

Her life may be one large web

littered with duty and lies.

But she smiles convincingly

and attends to the avoidable

and carries herself

as if all is well under the fragile façade.

Don’t ask her for honesty.

She could no more move the moon

than she could tell you the thing

you wouldn’t want to hear.

Don't think she doesn't grieve

when someone pulls at the scab of her reality.

There are, after all,

two sides to every story.

And if she wants to be a chameleon

in a changing, scary world
shouldn't we pretend like we can't see?
And I answered:
To see and touch all that I forgot,
To remember the delta where
Immense waters rushed to
My memory's melodic forms.
     To remember that ***** that
     Broke my heart,
     How I loved her,
     Look at all the poems
     I wrote for her!
To feel the livid wounds
Of everyone fester about
Like domesticated bipeds,
Watch them grow entangled
Beneath a shivering sun.
        To read the crazy beautiful
        Of other people's thoughts
        And get in their heads without
        Psychological babblings
        And manipulation.
To watch the shadowless sun
Create a phantom city
In the concrete swarms,
To stretch every sense
Into the living moment.
      To catch myself from splitting,
      Or perhaps to split from myself
      And call me crazy,
      Laugh it off and cry
      When I read it again.
To embody what I miss
With these fucken cell phones
And internet opinions
With elongated voices
Lonely, their kind of
Misery loves company after all.

      Why the poem?
      Ask yourself,
      What else is there??
To Poetry.
drive with me all day
I'll listen to what you have to say
make no mistake
I love you all the way

hands upon my knee
touching gently everything
give me reason to give in
softly feel this way again

distracted as I graze
your solar eclipse eyes
I'd stare into the sun
to feel that way again

just be here with me now
forget about the world
seeing things clearer this time
It seems you've reeled me in
started out sad that Keith Emerson committed suicide.
played Tarkus
and it still turned me on
I remembered I was a Lucky man
From the Beginning
then found myself
running Roundabout
Yes, from And you and I
to Changes saw
after that that Bridge of Sighs
compelling me to jump in
knew I was Too rolling ******
got frightened then
when the Winter brothers brought
Frankenstein to life
then took a Free Ride  to
Sweet home Chicago
with Buddy Guy,Eric, Robert Cray, Sumlin,
and Johnny all calling me to stay and listen more.
I don't know if I wanna wake up.
Don't know where I'll end up.
Anywhere but dying
listenin' to Disco.
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