When the ones closest to you are working against you,
And you're nothing but nice, but they're just trying to wreck you.
Haunted by the past, but nobody listens.
Surrounded by fake people, and you just wish you were with him.
Drowning in false hope, trying not to choke.
I just wish my life wasn't such a ******* joke.

Feeling trapped.
Trying to gain all the things that i lack.
I miss your sweet embrace.
But darling, i know i'm too late.
I don't even know if i feel like the real me.
I'm trying everything i can, do you hear my plea?
Unwanted in every room.
How did this reality become true?
What happened to having a family and friends?
I don't know if i'll ever mend.
Moving forward only feeling like a burden.
Fearing the day they'll close the curtain.
But i want to get out of the place i'm in.
Find your warm gaze again, even though our love may be a sin.
Was it ever love?
Or just a trance you had me in?
Whatever our fate may be, you never really leave my mind.
I just wish you wanted me the way i want you.
But i guess there's just not enough time to get you back on my side.
Were you ever on my side in the first place?
Whatever the truth is, i guess it's just not my fate.
I just wish you knew how much you mean to me.
I'm sitting here losing my sanity.
Trying to figure out what went wrong.
I guess it was just in the cards.
Who knew life without you would be this hard.
But i hope you find happiness in everything you do.
You were my everything, i'm just sorry i couldn't make your dreams come true.

As i'm searching through the storm. I can't seem to find my way.
It seems everyone's deceiving me, but i just want to feel okay.
What am I looking for?
I'm not sure I know.
Just searching for some answers, or the right path, but nothing can guide me home.
It seems I've been doomed from the start.
Or have I?
I just want to mend my broken heart.
Maybe find someone to love me as i try not to fall apart.

Looking through the window with hopeful eyes,
Starting to change the greys to kaleidoscopic skies.
Slowly the dark hues turns into peace,
I can now finally say that I'm finding some relief.
The faces I once thought were cold and scarce,
I'm now starting to see that they really do care.
Breaking free from my ungrateful ways,
Just trying to move forward and make a good change.
No, life isn't about romantic connections.
Sometimes you first need to love your own reflection.
It only takes one soul to help save humanity.
We need to rid our home of selfishness and unnecessary profanity.
Love comes in different shades,
And darling I promise as long as you have hope everything will be okay.

As i'm trying to find the right path, i continue to get side tracked.
By helpful souls, and deceitful eyes.
How am i to tell truth from lies?
Everyone seems to be wearing a disguise.
And in a society so judgemental and two faced,
most of the time i'd rather be dreaming than awake.
But it's hard to dream when your mind is left in the dark.
These ******* demons are getting the best of my thoughts, and my heart.
A once vibrant rhythm is turning into cement.
I constantly find myself feeling malcontent.
Will my mind, heart and soul ever breathe as easily as it once did?
Maybe it's just my lack of innocence.
When did the world become so hateful, lonely and cold?
I find myself embracing more empty eyes for a chance to feel a little less alone.
With society so pre occupied with mindless ways, how are we ever going to make a change?

As the days go by, it becomes more clear that you had me in a trance.
Recreating every memory disguised as romance.
Did you really set a fire in my eyes?
Or was it all just a beautiful lie?
I know you have your own life now, and you don't want me by your side.
But your absence taught me how to be strong, so maybe i can survive.
What really happened is unclear.
And something tells me i'll be fine without you here.
I just can't stop wondering if you were the only one.
I have faded memories of your rivalry and all of the questionable things i've done.
I can't keep trying to catch your eye when all i now do is hide.
I've lost all of my dignity and any sense of pride.
But i know that it's my fault too, so in leaving me i guess you were right.
I'll hold our past close so i can make it through the night.
And i'll keep hoping that we both end up living a better life.

Stumbling through this mess,
can't rid myself of the constant aching in my chest.
I never meant to do anyone harm.
Please just hold me close in your arms.
It's clear that i'm undeserving,
I try to move forward but nothing is working.
I finally figured out that i was doomed from the start.
Trying to fix my tainted heart.
Maybe my heart isn't the problem,
I think it's my mind.
Why can't i fix this?
I guess there's just not enough time.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope for love.
But everyone's made it clear that i'll never be enough.
So why do i keep trying to pull through this pain?
Maybe it's the fact that deep down i know i have the strength to make a change.

Walking this road alone,
I'm getting so ******* cold.
Chasing the highs to get away from the lows.
Where this path will take me, no one knows.
Aching for the touch of another.
Just lay here with me under the covers.
But i should warn you, you shouldn't get too close.
I'm so ******* broken and all i have is hope.
Can't escape being used.
Only wishing for this world to show me some truth.
Always searching for the life of my dreams.
But everyone's out to get me, or so it seems.
I'm just walking around with love in my heart.
Hoping again that i won't fall apart.
If only I could show someone the way it needs to be.
Not just for me, but for them to embrace the love i want them to need.
But i'm drifting away into these negative thoughts.
Trying to make sure my body, and my mind don't rot.
I know i'll always be afraid of dying alone.
So i'll keep dreaming of the one who will help me find home.

So here i am, writing about you again at 4:00 am.
These days i can't go more than a few minutes without wishing i was by your side.
I keep finding myself trying to drown our memories with whatever i can stomach.
But it's never enough.
You left a scar on my heart, and the only way to heal it is to rid myself of this earth, because i know you won't come back again.
Even though your absence is eating me alive.
I don't think you realize that you were my saviour.
God knows i'm not ready to leave.
But he also knows i'm too weak to make it any further without you.
It's such a cliche that with or without you, i'm either mentally dead, or on my way to that grave.
Will i ever find my saving grace?
You stole my heart without any intent of loving me.
Oh dear god, how i long to love the way i wish to be wanted.
But now i'm on my way to the hell you hoped for.
And i will always be sorry.

The heart shaped bottom at the base of your spine.
Between your back but before your thighs.
Complimenting your waistline below your rear dimples.
Pale and plump, sits your perfect ****.

Plenty to share around.
A beautiful sound emits when my hand rebounds.
A handful of ***** feminine magic.
A sea of flesh so full like the Adriatic.
Carnal lust so tragic.
Call it my ***** infatuation,
I can't get past the passing sensation,
When my firm hand meets your cheeks,
I know that you wont be able to sit for weeks.

Sometimes as the days go by, your life changes drastically before your eyes.
Sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.
And sometimes there is, but this isn't one of those times.
Sometimes the ones closest to you drift away like the wind.
Sometimes, they stay like they said they would.
Sometimes you're left on your own, feeling trapped with no way out.
When those times come, embrace the chaos in your life, put a smile on, and dance with the destruction.
Sometimes it doesn't work, and you feel lost and out of place like a fish out of water.
But i promise, things will get better.
Sometimes, even if it hurts to pull through, it's the only path to take.
Sometimes you have to be your own hero.

So here i am, deconstructing my bones in this alcohol fueled haze.
Looking for a chance to feel wanted.
Only to be thrown aside like a wilted flower.
Longing to be something more than just the woman to get you through the night.
I was never about these blurry nights.
But i do what i can to try to get you out of my head.
Your among almost every one of my thoughts.
And i can't get the taste of you out of my mouth.
Fixed on the idea that maybe one day you'll change your mind and come back for me.
And we can live like lust ridden lovers.
But until then i'll continue to keep the bottle close to unravel the mess of my mind.
And use their warm embrace to feel like there's still hope for me.

It feels like this is all a game.
But i can't do it alone.
Every time i seem to catch up, i get cast out all on my own.
Would you be there if i called?
I know i'd try my best to help if you ever fell down.
Am i at the bottom again?
This time is worse than before.
I can't tell if it's an even score.
Something tells me i was born to lose.
Can't tell if i should find love, or the truth.

It's like i'm trapped in a prison.
Is it because i know too much?
Or not enough?
Maybe my life is just some sick joke.
The only thing keeping me going is hope.
But what am i even hoping for anymore?
In the past it had always been love.
But then you got into my veins.
Baby, i'm falling for your masquerade.
I don't know what you're giving me here, and i don't know why.
But lately you're the only thing that's been on my mind.
In a way i think i might need you.
But i would only make things hard, and i wish we could've had more time.
You tried to help save me, and in my ignorance i did the only thing i knew how- to let the demons on my side.
But if i could take it all back, i wouldn't hesitate to gain all the things that i lack.
To try to get on your side, maybe then neither of us would have to hide.

You said you'd break my heart.
I didn't believe you, and now it's tearing me apart.
Not a day goes by where i don't wish i could change our fate.
I pushed you away and didn't realize i locked the gate.
And if i'm being honest you were the first i truly loved.
My life is deteriorating and i fear that soon i'll be watching over this world from above.
They warned me that you would ruin me, only to let me rot.
I was blind to how invincible you made me feel, so i never gave it a second thought.
You told me that nothing happens by chance.
I just ache to hold your hand.
Why am i so infatuated with our history?
But that devilish miracle is still a mystery.
Although you're not here i'm still mesmerized by your gleaming eyes.
Worried that you forever severed our ties.
I know i should just forget this and move on.
But i can't bring myself to erase you, even though you're gone.

With each passing day i come to find, that i'm dying even more on the inside.
I try to go out, but my instincts tell me to hide.
I'm so far gone that i can't even cry.
I keep trying to convince myself that this isn't the answer.
But this venomous disease is spreading like cancer.
Stuck living this life with a family of enemies.
But still, i keep fighting to unravel my destiny.
Alone, i wander into the abyss.
Trying hard to hold on, in case i'm missed.
But there's nothing here to keep me going, only the fear of the unknown that keeps on growing.
Always asking myself if i have any real friends.
Barely making it past all of these bends.
I carry with me mostly agony.
Just hoping i can trade in this pathetic tragedy.

Torn between getting up, and giving up.
These memories are crippling.
The lack of closure is unbearable.
Trapped.
Thinking about the "what if's".
Lost.
Just hoping that you might come back, even just for a moment.
Stunned.
By the fact that all of this happened, and i never really knew what was going on.
Just hoping that one day, maybe we'll meet again.
You carry my heart in your pocket whether you know it or not.
It took me putting together the pieces of the past to figure out who had it myself.
But we live in different worlds.
You're nowhere to be found.
And the only way i know how to get my heart back is to make myself hate you.
But i can't.
Despite the lack of time we had together, and even though i couldn't see it at the time, you were the best thing that's ever happened to me.
You opened my eyes, and let my true colours shine.
If only we had more time.

The days are getting longer.
It's not just that summer's coming, it's the loneliness that's engulfing my being.
I know it's too late, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to change all of this. But i feel like i'm slowly drowning in quicksand.
How do i get out of this pit?
Every time i try to move i get lower.
How far till i hit the bottom?
I think i've already been there.
Am i sinking deeper? Or finally finding my way out?
Either way i know i need to find the strength to do this for myself, by myself.
Because all that's left are ghosts and blurry memories of old lovers, friends, and the ones i was too afraid to let in.
But you haunt me the most.
Why does everything always lead back to you?
Maybe you were the light that was trying to guide me to safety.
Or maybe you were to lead me to tragedy.
Only one thing is certain, and that is my soul is searching for yours.
Whether you're my next savior, or the devil in disguise.
Something inside just won't let the memories die.

I used to mask the misery with anything i could get my hands on.
Molly, *****, whiskey. But i guess it never really worked out for me.
Don't get my brand wrong, i don't fit into any crowd anyway.
Forever an outcast, dwelling on the past.
Trying to find my worth.
Undeserving of this earth.
But my legs are broken and my soul is bruised.
I don't know who i am, or what i should do.
All i've ever wanted was stability.
It seems it's out of my ability.
The only consistent pattern in my life, is crumbling into pieces and pretending everything's alright.
If only i could find a light, i could make my way through all of these long nights.
It was always love that kept me going.
Been alone for so long and this emptiness won't stop growing.
How can i fill the void?
I feel like an old toy.
Always being passed along or misplaced.
Just hoping to stumble onto a new lover's face.
I guess it's no use when you feel mostly dead inside, so maybe it's better if i continue to hide.

Lately I feel like i've been in an endless game of snakes and ladders.
The snakes keep pulling me down.
Maybe it's all in my mentality.
Either way i'm not too keen on this reality.
I'll climb a little higher, only to get dragged lower than before.
But how do I end this vicious circle?
The path is blocked.
And everything i was before is standing in the way.
But i don't want to go back to my old ways.
I'm just trying to move forward and feel okay.
But i'm sick of having no one and living in this place.
If i could i'd just go without leaving a trace.
But when you're as lonely as me, it's hard to see what's supposed to be.
So i'll keep trying to climb, hoping the snakes won't push me into taking my life.

I was on the brink of entering the valley of darkness.
I lay there screaming your name as they were trying to revive me.
Everything went dark.
All but the memories of you.
I slipped into the unknown for a few moments, and awoke to the people who had been working to keep me here.
Question after question, I had no recollection.
When i was finally released they wanted to erase you from my mind, from my reality.
It seemed they had succeeded.
Maybe time isn't on my side, but i remember enough to miss your presence from my life.

You stumbled into my life like the savior i was hoping for.
I was too blind to see it and thought you were crashing down my door.
I was drowning in a sea of misery, all you were trying to do was save me.
You brought a light into my eyes, and still all i ever did was hide.
If only my mind wasn't such a mess.
I would have gave you my best, nothing less.
Although most of my memories are fragments of the past, i can vividly remember the joy you cast.
Without you here, nothing is clear.
I'm falling deeper into this hole, fear that i'm losing my soul.
I don't want pity. I guess it just kills because you don't miss me.
But your absence from my life doesn't stop me from wondering about what a life with you would be like.
I'm only a shard of who i was before, so i don't blame you for closing the door.
Yes, i'm still lost, but my heart still beats for you.
And i doubt you have a clue.
But, i hope all your dreams are coming true.

She never liked crowds.
Could never stand proud.
Always trying to escape this life.
Hoping you would never know what it's like.
Struggling to find true friends.
Only hoping that she could mend.
Fighting for her life every day.
That's when she began to pray.
Always trying to have a good time.
But all she ever felt was dead inside.

You long to know what i'm hiding inside, forcing me to run and hide.
Isolating the problem, fearing what you'll think.
You're only in luck if you can read what i scribble in ink.
Will what i have to say really intrigue you?
I don't want to be one of your walk throughs.
I struggle to find myself in all of this haze.
My thoughts are beginning to turn into a maze.

Another day at war with you. What exactly am i to do?
You continue prying your way into my well orchestrated wonderland.
I would never expect you to understand.
Looking into your empty eyes, I can see that you're only feeding me lies.
Always forcing me into a state of despair, although I can tell that you don't really care.
Don't you see? Forcing the rain won't take away the pain.

Deep in the cracks of my mind, where my demons are at play.
They twist my harmless thoughts in a senseless and vicious way.
Devouring my innocence, turning everything to grey.
I wish they weren't here to stay.
So i'll try to drown them out, just for one more minute, maybe another day.
But you see that never works.
If only there were another way.

Failing.
Falling.
Trying to get back up.
I can't stop falling.
Where am i headed?
I can't seem to stop failing.
At everything i do.
Is it because i miss you?
I guess i'll never know.
So i'll carry our memories in my heart as i try my best to let go.

Trying to shake this feeling,
but it just won't go away.
It's like demonic butterflies
breaking down every inch of my soul.

I still think of you.
Of all the good we brought into each others lives.
How you would never fail to put a smile on my face.
A time where i still carried that darkness,
the darkness you never failed to chase away.

I miss it.
Your sweet smile, that warm gaze, your tender touch.
But your gone now. And i want to break down.
I know i need to be strong.
So darling, even in our silence, for you i'll do my best to carry on.

May the soft breeze sweep away your fears.
Allow the warm sunshine to rid you of tears.
Darling let's run away together,
we'll create our own perfect weather.
Of winter's no longer lonely and cold,
having one another to hold.
Wandering together on a cool Autumn's day,
through spring and summer i hope you'll stay.

Finding it impossible to escape my life as a shadow.
Accomplishing nothing but failure.
Lost in a viscous circle of regret.
I'm a fire without a flame, and i am to blame.
If only i had a little more self respect.

This isn't right.
I shouldn't be here..
What they're doing here can't be legal.
Confined in this room, walls of white,
I just pray i can sleep through the night.
But they're guarding the door, making sure i can't leave.
Is it really as bad as perceived?
I feel as though i'm on my death bed.. Will anyone grieve?

Denied any phone calls, not given proper rights.
When i open the door it's far from alright.
I'm in their clutches, trying to break free.
Why on earth is this happening to me?

Mentally broken and physically bruised.
On the verge of tears, what am i to do?
Forced to take medication but what is it for?
They're trying to **** me. Please open the door.

Empty days, lonely nights
How i long to hold you in this painful life.
I'm the product of misery.
No, i'm not asking for you to save me
I guess i just miss your company.

Forever lonely.
Why  doesn't this place seem like home to me?
I'm uselessly drifting through this beautiful nightmare.
Maybe i'm just scared..
Of what? Maybe myself.

Oh god this hurts like hell.
This mental state makes me want to yell.
Trying my hardest to stay strong,
Yet everything i do and say is wrong.

Constantly slipping into isolation,
I just want to change my situation.
Finding myself lost in my mind,
doing nothing but wasting precious time.
Always dreaming of a better life,
doing my best to avoid the knife.

If only i was better at standing alone.
Maybe then i could figure out my life and find my way home.
Too pre-occupied fantasizing about finding another,
to love, to trust and have a good time with one another.

I carry with me a damaged heart.
I'm trying not to fall apart.
So focused on trying to be a better me,
Still nothing is working can't you see?
I ache to find someone,
to have a better connection.
to travel the planet with a better sense of direction.

Feeling haunted by the demons in my mind and the ghosts of my past.
Still chasing a happiness that i hope will last.
I'm still trying to rid myself of the darkness that follows me.
Only to find that i'm fading away, almost completely.