Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

You know that feeling..
When your breathing stops,
But your heart still races.
When your eyes are closed,
But you can still see what's going on around you.

That's what it's like being with Him.
When his hands are around your throat,
But kisses you at the same time.
When he turns you away from Him,
But you know exactly what his expression is.

Trying to satisfy a never ending thirst.
Hoping you've done well when He doesn't look at you after.
Thinking you look disgusting but He reminds you otherwise.
Just to degrade you later.

A never-ending cycle of love, and disgust
Disgust, to lust
From lust to loving
Never ending.
Always repeating and eating at me.
Making tears, laughter, moans,
And those little kisses you wish you could save.

You know that feeling..

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

Adieu

Adieu, my dearest.
From the depths of my heart.
I can't bear to stay, when we're always apart.

Adieu, my darling.
I know it's unfair..
But i just can't get use to having someone who cares.

Adieu, my lover
But I need a dapper fellow, who's a tad bit shallow
But only because He deserves to be.
Who lurks in the hollows,
And makes sure no one follows
And tries to convince me,
That he is why I cry in the night,
And why in every dream His face provokes fright.

Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu.
It's always been me,
Its never been you,
But you were too blind to even start to see,
The firery passion building within me.
He's my rock, whom I can't live without.
Even though everyone has their doubts.
On why I feel so strongly for Him,
Why I follow his every whim.
I care, I say.
I just care a lot.
Even though I know Ill never have a shot..
at anything but,
Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu.

Adieu- farewell or goodbye (in case you didnt know)

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

Mirror

Look in the mirror and what do you see?
The same gleaming girl, who anyone could be?
A boy with bruises, everyone fails to see?
Or a '****' who's home life is shrouded in secrecy?

How about a girl, with a painted on smile?
Who's silent cries for help could be heard for miles.
The scars on her wrist are all just a part,
Of healing the gashes all over her heart.

11/11 rolls around,
All she wishes for is one less pound
Picks at the food she was given for dinner,
Hoping one day she'll finally be thinner.

She cries over that guy she thinks about,
Who'd kiss her in private but never take her out.
She is manipulated day by day.
She knows this part but, of course, she stays.

Everything he says to her, makes her sore,
But somethings he says just make her heart warm
She'll never be good enough for that boy or her peers.
If she isn't good enough for that girl in the mirror.

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

Life As I Know It

I Can Smile, But Not be happy
I Can Cry but because i am angry
being lonley,like im drowning slowly
hard to breathe as my heart rushes to catch up to my thoughts
i feel the cold rush down my neck
i can feel you creeping
all your eyes watching as i drag my feet and trip along the road i used to skip down.
the only place ive been hurt like this in this town.
the sneakers that squeak as mine are silent.
the clothes that still smell like the stores, mine the same as they were.
the same everything. i wake, i struggle, i push, i shed but one tear
and tear apart everyone else to protect myself from everyone.
i wish of the things i wish i had. of what i wish i was. of what i wish i wasnt
and whisper into the trees and grass how much i miss you and everyone else i have lost.
screaming at people who i never should have, loving people i know will hurt me.... unless i hurt them first,
so many first kisses and first girlfriends i have ruined...
so many inults that i said out of a place in my heart that is cold as ice and hard as stone. afraid everyone knows the lies ive told. to create this persona that makes me less of a lame, shame, untame dissapointment of everyone who is related to me....
Let me start over.
let me be the one who never lies.
let me be the one who didnt have to say that they hate someone.
let me love everyone including myself.
Look at me without shame Mom.
look apon me without disgust father.
for i am your baby girl. i am the baby you nurtured into the monster you call a daughter......
no mas no mas mother.....
i am not what you have raised
i am a near blemish in your imperfect yet perfect life.
as we stare each other down from across the table i see the dissapointment in your eyes...
the instructers see the lie they call potential...
i am just a shadow in the glory of the boy.... just a twinkle in the firework of YOUR life.
and as i begin to fall to my knees with pain and anger
i think of the people i hurt and wish they could watch me slowly fall into a deep pit of darkness and hate,...
i will sleep to the sounds of their giggles
since i danced to the sound of their crys.
Ill continue to disappoint those around me.
im sorry for the pain and stress mom.
Im sorry for the tears and fear mom.
this is me.
oh so terrible
unforgivable
broken
shaken
shattered
me.......

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

Confess

I've got a confession.
No matter how much you love me,
Care ,
And swear to never leave.
I'll always think of going back to him
That guy who uses me.
Why? Hell if I know.
Though, Id go if he'd take me,
And stay, if he'd break me.
Even though I KNOW in a month or less
I'd be no more than another ex.
I hate to say this...
Because I do like you,
But I can't stay away from him,
Like I could to you.

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

I've Lost My Mind

A Copy or an original?
Is this Real or fictional?
My head keeps spinning,
I think you're winning.
Took me from unforgettable to undefined.
I think you've done it,
I've lost my mind.

Lured me in with that pernicious smirk
Made me become a servant to your thirst.
Smitten with lust, I did as I was told,
Not realizing that your soul was just black and cold.
Now as I watch you overflowing with shame,
I still hope you get the pleasure from my pain.
You have me in your deadly bind
I think you've done it,
I've lost my mind.

Everyday I watch as you pretend it was never there
Thinking of other girls, where you'd never have to care
I took every moment for granted, I admit.
And now you begin to loath me, bit, by bit.
Stricken with anger my mind soon hollows
Only to be filled with hatred waters, shallow.
You'll always hate me tender and hate me kind,
I think you've done it,
I've lost my mind.

Jacquelyn Audrey Whiston Jul 2012

Mind of the Mad

You're watching, judging, and assuming
You don't understand why I do what I do.
Why I obsess over little things.
So stop trying to
The world is my oyster
But without the beautiful pearl
Just a plain old shell, in a plain old world

It's a shame you'll never know the brilliance
All you're capable to understand is the madness.
Insane, sane
Heart, or brain
Ferocious , tame
Take two breaths and stop breathing all together.
Turn your self to useless energy, forever.

Welcome to mind of the mad.
The queen of the asylum
A dapper old castle in the brain of a girl.
Who is tortured yet pampered in her own little world.