Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Jackie Jul 2015
I thought I had everything in place
Little did I know the universe was playing it's own game
I'm slipping
My steady pace up the hill has quickly turned into a deadly climb up a mountain
The only thing that makes sense is how much pressure I can apply to my skin
But I can't
The more people that leave now the better
I'm no longer light as a feather
The stresses of my home life are flooding back
10 months wasn't enough when it comes to that
I need to find something that matters because if I rely on myself I won't get very far
I now need more tattoos to cover my scars
I'm terrified right now
The pain from my past mixes with my anxiety for the future
Each one is a bomb and it's lose, lose
I tell people not to worry because they can't see past my facade
It's odd
Maybe if I just worried more...
I can't go there
Stay away from the dark thoughts about Kai
I'm feeling pretty numb
People talk and I stare
So they don't notice I'm there
I don't really want to be here
Or there
Really anywhere
I'm finding out that I love unconditionally
I thought that was supposed to be a good thing
The more you love the more you leave
The more you leave the more you bleed
Pain never really made sense to me
My ways of coping are destructive
I don't like hurting other people but have no problem hurting myself
My actions determine my value
I don't know anything else
The more I tell people the more they want to know
How can I tell the ones I love that my heart is growing cold
Take me back
Take me back to the days where innocence was praised
Take me back to when I wasn't ashamed
I don't know what to do
My depression is creeping back
I'm falling through the cracks
One day it won't matter
One day people will remember that I mattered
Jackie Nov 2013
"The gay kid"
I am so much more
"The lesbian"
That's not what I'm here for
I'm proud to be who I am
I know where I stand
People act like that's all they see
Those words that they think define me
But they don't see the real me
I'm the girl who will say "I love you" everyday
I'm the girl who will go out of her way to make someone smile
I'm the girl who would rather make you laugh than make you cry
Someone who will stay up and talk all night
I'm the girl with the complicated past
I'm the girl who didn't think would last
The smile on my face is a permanent reminder that life is hard
But being gay doesn't always mean that I'm happy
Don't tell me that who I am is defined by that word
I've heard that when we die
We aren't always remembered
If you are going to remember me
Remember what I've accomplished
Remember the time I made you laugh
The time I made you smile
Remember the time I looked in your eyes and told you everything's okay
I don't want to just be gay
I will always be proud of who I am
But people don't always understand
That my life isn't based on who I love
Its based on the good, the bad, and everything I overcome
Jackie Mar 2013
I try my best to let things go
Let feelings show
To go with the flow

Can't let things go to my head
Safe in my bed
Numb but not dead
Oh
Jackie Jan 2021
Oh
Oh mother
How do you define love?
I'll never see
Oh brother
How do you define your soul?
Does father know?
Oh sister
How does it feel to be the first alone?
Jackie Apr 2013
I wonder what my future holds
I try to picture it in my head
Waiting for it to unfold
Before I end up dead
All of my mistakes
All of my regrets
Will finally wash away
Everything will be okay
One day

I picture the perfect girl
And I know she is out there
Waiting for my turn
Hoping that I learn
That I actually matter
And she will love me
And I will love her
Everything will be great
One day

The past is the past
I'm moving too fast
To look back
A set of traps
But I move around them
And one day everything will change
One day you will all be amazed
For I will have succeeded
And everyone who believed in me
Will be rewarded
And everyone who doubted me
Will be left speechless
One day
Jackie Sep 2013
I'm tired
Real tired
I want the lights to go out for awhile
Not dream
Just sleep
Until all the pain melts away
Or retreats back to those summer days

I'm tired
Real tired
I want to sleep until the world is good again
I can stick my feet in the sand a hundred times
The ocean never fails to wash away my sadness

I was never the type to want a normal life
But everything around me is a wind tunnel
And I hesitate because I'm afraid I will get ****** in
I close my eyes
Will this be my demise
Maybe if I open one eye I can take life in without suffering
Maybe if I keep one eye open that eye will only take in the beauty of the world
I was taught that with life comes good and bad and if you just hold out your hands
You can be ready to catch whatever is thrown at you
So I keep my good eye open and hope that I see what is coming my way

But knowing that I am tired makes it harder to keep that eye open
If I close it, it could be the end
I can keep fighting with one eye open
And miss out
Or slowly become unable to see the good
Slowly grow tired of being strong for so long

I'm tired
Real tired
I'm not sure if I'm a fighter
Jackie May 2015
I miss you
But I know the feeling isn't mutual
So why do I keep holding onto our memories
I keep your ring next to my bed because maybe one day you will ask for it back
I know you won't actually ask for it back
But I'm holding onto your voice when you said you would never leave me
Words can be so deceiving
People tell me to move on when they don't even know that I play our entire relationship out in my head
Why wouldn't I want to remember when I was happy
Why did I think I could actually be happy
I found the cards you gave me for valentine's day
Why did you lie
You didn't want to be with me forever
I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you
You are doing just fine without me
And no one sees that I'm here crumbling
Self destructing
I know I play it off so well
But I'm trapped in a cell
My mind is on overdrive
I can't seem to feel anything else
If only you knew the hold you had on me
Two months felt like my whole life plus an eternity
You must not have known how happy you made me
It doesn't matter anymore
My heart is sore
I still love you more than I have loved anyone before
You have my hearts it's yours
I'm sorry I'm trying
But I can't help how I feel
I thought you were the one
I thought I found my one
Jackie Jul 2016
I can feel my heart break into pieces and I just let it happen
This world is full of glass jars and I'm choosing to step on every single one in front of me
I can't tell if I'm getting better or if I'm getting more numb
I don't leave my bed because the outside is bright and I might find purpose
I don't want to find purpose because that means expanding and I can't really bend over backwards anymore
I am in a new town with all new faces and they have no clue that demons hover above me
They all seem shallow and closed off from real life and that's probably why they already hate me
They smell my individuality and it is not pleasing to them
The craters in my head are attracting other lifeforms and I can hear them when I sleep
I toss and turn a lot because I dropped my anchor out at sea
A lot of people try to figure me out but they don't believe what they can't see
And I really want to die
But the girl with the big eyes will not let me go
And I don't know if that makes me angry or grateful
But I'm seeing life through a one way mirror and I am on the outside
I am seeing everything
But they don't see me
And I am watching and listening for a reason to stay
Despite my need to fly away constantly
Then she looks at herself in the mirror and smiles
And my heart doesn't break as much as it once was
Jackie Feb 2014
I'm getting my life on track
Most people would look back at my past
And wonder how I got here
It wasn't easy
No support from my family
I had to do the opposite of everything they taught me
Scared that I would be like them
Broke mirrors so I didn't see that I was like them
Looked at my reflection
Only to see a girl who refused to give up
I use to use my hands to block out the noise
Now I use them to write out what's left in my heart
And you will never understand what you did to me
Don't act like you had anything to do with making me
I may have forgiven you
But don't get things twisted
I forgave you so I could rest easy
Believe me
Everything you've done is not being forgotten
When I walk out of here
I'll thank you for pushing me away
I could stay
Like my sister
20 years old with no brain
Living off of my parents
As she barely gets paid
That's not for me
I promised my grandpa
That I would be somebody
He use to look at me
See my pain
And tell me that one day it would go away
I look at his pictures
With his smiling face
I know I'm making him proud
Don't try to tear me down
I might call you mom and dad
But I know who raised me
So don't be mad when I don't thank you for anything
Jackie Aug 2014
If I stand here long enough to listen to you complete a full sentence how many brain cells will I lose?
As you sit in that chair that seems to wobble under the weight of your ignorance
You say things like "We should never have a female president" and "Women should not be in control of their own bodies"
But then pull out bible passages about love and respect
I sit across from you bitting my tongue because I would rather insult you in my head then make a scene
You ramble on about how women belong in the kitchen and I can't sit still anymore
I feel like my anger could take this whole room down by just releasing my breath
I feel like my rage could stop time long enough for me to punch you in the face
I ask you if you respect the women in your life
You turn and look at me like I'm some ****** off the street who has no right to state a claim
I ask you again if you respect the women in your life
You say
"Of course I do"
I look at you and take calming breaths that seem to silence the world
I build my confidence up and say
"Then why would you want to hold them back?"
Jackie Dec 2013
I lie awake
And think about everything I hate
Everything that relates
To my past
Old habits coming back
And I have to adapt
To the overwhelming amounts of self hate
The new scars on my arm
Tell me that I've come a long way
They will eventually go away
And then I can focus on each day
My thoughts and my feelings
Happen to be two different things
My thoughts control my feelings
But my feelings cause my thoughts
So I ought to reevaluate my life choices
Even though I don't have many
Only ones I regret
And then you come along
And make my heart strong
I can't help but feel like the universe owes me one
Or two
Or three
I'm not picky
I just want something extraordinary
To make up for all the holes that are left of me
Maybe I over think things
I try not feel
But think too much to makes sure that everything is real
I'm thinking myself into depression
Regression
Every thought leads to violent expression
And I just need someone to look at me
And say that I'm okay
My thoughts lead me away from anything that involves positivity
Just say that you believe in me
And that you will never leave me
Why sleep when I can think
Why think when I can sleep
Maybe if I think about sleeping it will happen
Everything around me slowly becomes everything that's hurt me
I don't want to die
I just need to find a reason to stay alive
Jackie May 2014
I find myself always over thinking
Does she like me?
What does this mean?
Does this make me look gay?
Why are you doing this to me?
My thoughts overflow like a waterfall
Constantly going going going
Stop just take a deep breath
Don't freak out
Don't let them see you bleeding
Don't show signs of weakness
Blink less
Stay calm
If they see you crumbling
They will fill in your cracks
With hate and jokes
Like negative cement
Until you are stiff
With hatred towards yourself
Causing you to over think some more
Do they like me?
Why are they whispering?
Did I do something wrong?
My thoughts cave in my subconscious
And I can't help but sit there and worry
Pacing back and forth
Mind racing
Hands shaking
Heart pounding
Don't let them hear you breathing
Don't let them see you sweating
They can't get to you
Words become knives
Rumors become wounds
Jokes become scars
And I'm left there
Over thinking
Why did they say that?
Why did they treat me this way?
Over thinking back into depression
Why do they hate me?
Why am I even here?
I cause myself to reevaluate
Until I'm questioning my motives
I tell myself I'm a fighter
Pull all nighters
Until I'm calm enough to face the world
People hate because you are doing something great
Right?
I'm great right?
Why let people get to you
When everything they say doesn't have to define you
I'm in the eye of the storm
The worst part is behind me
Funny how the things you said didn't blind me
Relax
You're okay
Stop over thinking
Pray
Why can't they just leave me alone?
Why do I let my over thinking show?
Jackie Dec 2015
I believe things happen for a reason
Whether it's God or the force
Some kind of cosmic power pulling strings and writing stories
I'm not sure
But I can tell you that I have somehow defied my own odds
The choices I made did not take me away
I am here
There were times when I didn't think I would make it my high school graduation and that I would not see my 18th birthday
The scars on my arms multiplied
And the demons in my head screamed louder than ever before
I lost my first love
Then I lost my second
I watched my family explode from close range
And then I watched from a far
Every insecurity swirled in my head like a blizzard
I could not see a bright future
And then something clicked
Something bigger than myself took hold of my mind
My heart was no longer heavy
And I don't know if that's God stepping in or my own power of will
But I have somehow managed to save myself
And I know there is no quick fix to this disease that has held me captive for so long
But I'm realizing that you should never stop moving when it gets dark
Never quit breathing when the air gets thin
And never back down even when your opponent is twice your size
Or even when your opponent is yourself
I know things happen for a reason
That's obviously why I'm still here
And although there is still a dark cloud over me
I can start to see the sun beams
And I know one day my sky will be clear
Jackie Oct 2014
I think about where I started
Weak
Insecure
Unmotivated
So lost that not even turn by turn directions could help me
Feeling like the end of the road was so far away
Like what was even the point
Why should I try or believe in anything
All I could do was rely on others to get me through

I think about where I am now
Strong
Confident
Motivated
Found my path that God made for me
Everything falling into place
All I have to do is keep fighting
I was knocked down over and over again only to come back swinging
And now I can say I have a purpose

I think about where I'm going
Only up
Only forward
Only on the right path
Taking what I've learned and what I'm going to learn to succeed
I just need to keep following my dreams
Keeping the right people close to me
I know the true definition of struggling
And the true definition of over coming
Jackie Jul 2015
I can never think of how to start these things
Because starting something means risk
My best friend told me I would fall in love within my 10 months of service
And I'm glad I fell in love with you
Now I know you will read this
So please read carefully
Thank you
I know it has taken me a long time to reach a point of peace
So I am finally able to look back at our relationship
You gave me confidence I never had
You held me up when I was falling
You brought back love that I thought was buried 6 feet deep
I know we talked about forever and that didn't happen
But I would do those 2 months all over again
I know you are in a difficult spot right now
I understand
But know that none of this takes away how amazing you are
Love is one of those things that's unexpected
Thank you for being my favorite surprise
I know I can't take back what was said in the past
But know that I will make up for it in the present and future
I still believe things happen for a reason
I'm not a perfect person
Nothing can ever be perfect in life
But looking back
I still believe that those 2 months were pretty close
I don't want you to think I'm writing this to try and get you back
I'm writing this because we are friends again
And I was always hesitant about that
Until now
Happiness is something we both deserve
Journey's can take a lifetime
But perfect moments are short
Jackie Aug 2014
I used to think stars were lost people trapped in the sky
Like somehow their thoughts led them so far off the beaten path that they winded up there
I spent nights thinking of ways I could reach them because things down here didn't seem as fun as being so close to God
I thought they were the lucky ones
The ones who didn't have to witness pain or hard times like I did on earth
The ones who seemed to know their place
The ones who never had to answer to anyone
They just shined because they wanted to
Being down here meant looking up at them with envy
Stars were not stars
They were people
With stories and pasts and wisdom that took them to high places
They were kings and queens and that's why some were bigger than others
If you looked close enough you could see the trail they left behind
As if they were leaving a path for others to follow
I used to think that when someone died they became stars
They were brought to the sky to watch over everyone
To shine a small light in total darkness
Making sure that we kept our heads up
I saw them move as if they were trying to reach us
I grew up to learn about the vast universe and noticed how I felt smaller and smaller after each science class
Stars became ***** of light and energy instead of people
And looking at lost people turned into looking at constellations that I hoped would show me the way home
The universe changed for me
It became this mystery that questioned my faith and seemed to leave me more confused
It answered questions on how the Earth was formed
But left me lost on the ones stuck in my own brain
They forced me to see the world in a different way
Taking pieces of my imagination and throwing it up there so my thoughts would get lost and I would lose track of time
My mind expanded like the milky way and stretched far beyond the visible sky
Don't let me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon
Stars are still people to me
And one day I will become one too
Jackie Jul 2014
Right now someone is dying
While you sit on your couch screaming at your videogames as you **** innocent people
Right now someone is starving
While you spend $300 dollars on a fancy meal that you will end up wasting
Right now a child is wishing they could go to school
While you sleep through high school and complain about how its wasting your time
                         Perspective
Jackie Sep 2015
I've been struggling lately
I've never felt like I was worth much
So the idea of suicide was always in the back of my mind
There have been times where breathing even became a burden
The nights when I didn't sleep became unrelenting
Normal everyday conversations took all of my energy
I didn't really see anything in me
And when it came to Kai
I gathered all my life just so I could keep hers going
Until I ran out
After losing her there wasn't much left of me
I have a friend who has been trying to convince me to stay
But I have one broken heart and one stubborn brain
But she is beautiful with a smart mouth and when she talks, I listen
And if she can see something in me then I should be able to see something in myself
Life is meant to change
Every day
Every second
The more you fight it the more you hurt yourself
I've hurt myself for far too long
She told me that if I left, she'd be heartbroken
Just like I was when Kai left
I know suicide is the wrong answer to a question with multiple solutions
I'm slowly regaining my life
I have to use what's deep inside
And continue preventing suicide
PSA
Jackie Sep 2014
PSA
clears throat*
Excuse me
Now I'm going to need you to listen
This is my public service announcement
Whatever judgments you have
Whatever stereotypes you believe in
I'm going to need you to leave those at the door
Because what I'm about to say
May make you mad
Or
It might just open up your eyes...

We should all be worried
I mean we should all feel some anxiety about the way this world is unfolding
And if you don't see it
Well then you are blind
I don't care about your 20/20 vision
If you don't see this crisis
Well then sit quietly and listen

Is it just me or are we far off from where we should be
Living this fake American dream
When people are dying
Trying to survive in this war zone we created
Hatred being the fuel to our fire
Our desire for money and power
This being the hour of our demise
A disguise to mask how we truly treat each other
Our sisters and brothers
Why don't we stop this
Humanity dying in the process
We need to educate the ignorant
Humble the arrogant
Give voice to the good people who stand on the sidelines
Why are the small being silenced for speaking the truth
While the clueless ask what we should do
Stand up
Speak out
If we don't change we will be wiped away
We won't have the brains to stay and cohabitate
Let's not make the same mistakes our ancestors made

I want people to see
I am 18
I see what others refuse to see
What others refuse to believe
All it takes is for the good to do nothing
While letting the rich take control
Knowing that they don't give a **** about us at all
What will it take for us to make great change?

You see I believe the power is in numbers
The more we have, the less room there is for assumptions
We are all living for nothing
While the puppeteers pull us left and right
Being ventriloquists
While we play along without putting up a fight
If we all stood together not letting them have their power
They wouldn't have anyone to control
Total bombardment of their souls
Please just believe me

Thank you for listening
Now...
What are you planning to do about it?
Jackie Apr 2013
I don't understand pain
Or why I seem to be more depressed when it rains
Dark days
Seem to bring out the poet in me
But for some reason I never show it
The lightning strikes
The thunder booms
And all I can think about is you
But I push those thoughts away
Maybe save them for another rainy day
But what is pain?
And why do I always seem to go through it
Bad luck I guess
May be depressed?
But none the less
Writing seems to make me think about my past
Which is scary
That's one thing I hate most of all
It's the reason I fall
But my future
Is the reason I get back up
The reason I don't cut
Why I always chose to love
Jackie Aug 2013
I sometimes feel like I'm walking in circles
A cyclone of emotions
An unknown miracle
I sometimes feel like I'm close to failure
Swaying back and forth
An unstable teeter totter
Going from reality to pure nightmare
I'm left totally scared
Pondering the thought of going back there
I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in one place
To everyone else life is one big race
A test of strength
To determine ones fate
And I'm left in a past date
A complex state..... of mind
I sometimes feel like I'm close to crumbling
One big gust of wind will leave me struggling
Fumbling and juggling
My hardship and my triumph
Both reveal battle scars
One last trip to mars
To look at the stars
Before I hit earth
To revert back to my old ways
The olden days
I sometimes feel like I can't stop rambling
Or time traveling
Maybe just one more time
To ease my mind
I sometimes feel like...
There I go again
Not enough ink in my pen
To finish off my train of thought
So I'll just stop
Jackie Jun 2013
Life has a way of changing
Rearranging
Turning in the opposite direction
And how you handle it
Live with it
And deal
Makes you a better person
You can be fully prepared
But still end up scared
You can lower your expectations
And still be let down
They say what doesn't **** you makes you stronger
Or is it just killing us slowly
And taking longer
Love can sometimes be the best thing about life
But if you take it for granted
You might be put to the side
Knowledge is key
That's what I've been told
With all this knowledge
The world is still cold
Don't waste your opportunities
They might not come back
Life is short
And in a snap
You can lose everything you have
But for some reason
We all still get consumed
By what other people have
Try and picture the life some people live
No electricity
Or food in the fridge
Get past the fact that you can't get that new phone
Get past the fact you might not have the nicest home
Life is a never ending battle
Between the good and the bad
You want things to be easier
Start being grateful for what you have
Jackie Oct 2015
I'm starting to forget the sound of her voice and I have nothing to jog my memory because where I stored our love no longer exists. It shattered to pieces the minute my heart stopped beating.

2. I told my 14 year old brother that I might be moving to Michigan and all he could say was "Please Jackie, don't leave again."

3. My dad is trying to stay sober and I'm trying not to stay sober. Our actions are clashing back and forth like the ocean during a hurricane. We are way too similar and that scares the crap out of me and yet I do nothing to change myself.

4. I'm terrible at cutting people off. Especially the ones who ripped my whole world a part. I think it's because I think I deserve it. I cheer on the pain like it's a marathon runner on his last mile. I search for it in everything. More importantly I search for it in girls with big eyes and sweet smiles.

5. As soon as I make progress I turn right back around and walk straight into everything that's killing me. I am a storm chaser. While others are trying to get as far away from everything that hurts I walk right alongside it because it's familiar and new things scare me.

6. I process my entire life in my head. Every detail of a break up, every second of that one time I thought I was falling in love but really I was using her to keep myself together. We both ended up falling apart. My mind is a machine on overdrive. A high functioning factory that continues to produce parts despite the fact that it's been closed for about 7 years now.

7. My thoughts destroy me because if I go down I want it to be my fault. I don't want anyone to think that they broke me because they didn't know that I was never really put together in the first place.
Jackie Feb 2018
She doesn't believe in herself
Only in her demons
She shakes at the sight of herself
But everything about her leaves me speechless
She holds back for my sake
But I latch on to stop the ache
And we're both fighting separate battles but still take cover in each other
She is my light
Without fail
She's always built herself up on her own
Homegrown with a lasting impression
She has no problem with self expression
And let me just say I ******* love that
She breaks up the daily routine of my mind
And I try to fill the void left by the people who never really looked at her
She is remarkable
You should never try to contain her
Because she is too free and too wild
And sometimes I just stop and watch
Watch her move and form around people and places
Watch her go up in flames only to vanish leaving nothing but smoke
Jackie Aug 2014
I love you
Enough to let you be at peace
My heartache is worth it
Knowing you are resting
Jackie Jul 2015
My heart seems to be out of rhythm lately
I need to slow down my breaths so I don't get overwhelmed easily
Keep taking punches until you break me
Things are foggy and I don't get it
Maybe because I'm drunk almost 24/7
But I can't help it
If I fall flat on my face does it mean that I'm now broken
I don't want to live like this anymore
I'll get help when I'm home
But here I feel so alone
I don't want others to judge me
But I understand if they don't trust me
Because when I look in the mirror I don't know what I see
And I'm so ashamed
I don't recognize my own face
Your disappointment lingers in my brain
But when I sip from that bottle it all goes away
Until I see you
I sit and talk with you because I need your help
Please I am sinking rapidly
My demons are after me
I'm destructive towards myself
I'm not actually worth it
Too much is happening and I can't reverse it
I'm retreating back to old feelings
It's hard to find meaning
Maybe I'll be fine
Maybe it's do or die
So I'll make the decision to not hurt myself
And somehow find a way to change the cards I dealt for myself
RIP
Jackie Jun 2014
RIP
People talk about life like we are guaranteed something
Like we are expected to have something magical
RIP to Kiant'e
RIP to Jacob
Two people who lost the battle before they were even ready to start
My friends
Taken away like they did something wrong
We all know what's coming for us
But the news punches us in the stomach and knocks us down
As if we have no idea what death is
Why did they have to leave so soon
I understand if God was ready to take them
But we weren't ready to lose them
Have they done all they can do
We just have to push through
Life will keep going
Whether we choose to stop or not
We all feel this pain
Day by day everything changes without them
I feel guilty that I have a full life and they don't
I regret the moments I walked passed them
Said nothing
Didn't even smile
Stuck in my own head not thinking about time
**** time
I wish I could go back
But we know its not possible
I just hope they know I love them
I know they are resting easy
So I'll rest easy
Jackie Jun 2013
You made me feel so small
You tried to take my voice
You waited for me to fall
You acted like this was a choice

I started to crumble
I started to break
I wanted to hide
I couldn't be fake

But I am rising
And you are so low in the ground
That you can't reach me
I am not hiding
So come find me

I will not let that word define me
And deep inside of me
I know that I will overcome this
And you will be stuck
Between your hatred and your ignorance
And while everyone else is moving forward
You will get left in the dust
And I'll look back
Shake my head
And wish you luck
Jackie Apr 2015
Now I've hit rock bottom
I've cut
I've drank
I let everything slip away
Life doesn't seem worth it
The universe has reveresed it
I went from being on top of the world
To falling so hard that it made everything around me shake
Why can't I be happy?
Why did I rely on her to make me happy?
Why did everything seem perfect when deep down I know that's not how it works
If you could see me right now you wouldn't know where to look
I'm lost
I literally have no direction
If you handed me a map with step by step directions I would probably eat it
I actually can't eat anything
Why should I care when she's no longer there
I ****** up
And she doesn't want to deal with it
But when it came to her crazy mood swings I took the brunt of it
I walked up a mountain for her
Not a metaphorical mountain
I actually mean a ******* mountain
Everyday so I could try and make her pain go away
Now mines here to stay
She thinks I'm changing
But in reality I'm trying to grasp some form of sanity
Because I gave her a ring along with my heart and she knew exactly what to do
I don't even like this game anymore
I forfeit
I lose
And I just want my joy again
I lost it when I cried because another girl stole my light again
And I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was worth it
I'm angry
And all I did was try to understand
That life is complicated and we don't always have solid plans
But why would you let me fall for you
I just scrapped myself off the floor
And you watched me do that
I can't keep putting myself back together
I've finally learned that
Rock bottom will be my wake up call
I don't need your support at all
I gave you all I had
But it's not what you wanted
Someday someone will want it
Jackie Dec 2015
Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I am lost at sea
Fighting to keep my head above water
I hope you think of me
When the sun rises
Or when you're outside in the rain
I often wonder how you feel when my memory crosses your thought process
I hope you choke up and your throat tightens
I hope your hands begin to shake
I hope you ache at the thought of me
I'm not the one who lost
You walked away after experiencing the sun on your face and fireworks in your fingertips

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I'm on the beach
Gazing at the stars
Jackie Apr 2018
Pills on pills on pills on pills
I can't ******* sleep
Tape my eyes shut
And just drift away
I want to ******* dream
She meets me in my silence
And listens when I scream
If she knew that I would die for her, she'd want to be with me
All this madness
All this sadness
When will it all just end
And in this blackness all I have is your love to give me strength
So please don't leave me
Or deceive me
My mind is a grenade
I can't pull the pin and let them win, my hand is on the blade
Pills on pills on pills on pills
I can't ******* sleep
Stop me please from shaking
I want to be at peace
I was drowning
Till you found me
You're saving me each day
And I will love you till I lose you
It will be my darkest day
But in my dreams there you'll be
My only saving grace
Jackie Feb 2013
I can't quite put my finger on it
Why I feel the way I feel
Blade across my skin
So I can tell if its real
The pictures in my head
The reason I can't go to bed
Silence is all I hear
The loudest cry

I look out over my empire
And see all the people I hurt
Up higher
Higher
Until they can't see me
So longing to be free
To find peace and harmony
Deep breathes
The smell of defeat

As I walk down the narrow road
Turning points
On my left
On my right
But which way do I go
Fading darkness
Or blinding light
Which way is wrong
Which way is right

Broken promises
Is all I see
What do you see

I promise to be good
I promise to be helpful
I promise to stop cutting
I promise that I am grateful

Maybe I'm not supposed to know why
I feel the way I feel
But I now know
I don't need a blade
To tell if its real
Jackie Nov 2015
You really take me as I am
And that's so beautiful
I can feel your old soul
I can feel your pure heart
You see me
With my lost soul
And damaged heart
And you know who I am
Jackie Feb 2021
Remember when I was seeking God but not myself?
I'm not sure what made me stop
The soreness in my knees?
My fascination with trees?
My fear of not being free?
Cobble stone paths laid out by Father's leading the mass
Only the holiest of wines
I search for many things but only what takes me high
Oh Sister's, why do you sacrifice?
My hands stretched out hoping to reach something bigger than the atoms that create us all
All of us looking before we fall
I take trips because they allow me to see more
And if You are out there way past the fake and adoring
You know where I'll be
Climbing the Tree that sets us all free
Jackie Apr 2018
I've been living a life with no dreams and no bibles
My suicidal tendencies make me think the end is vital
And please
Don't ******* hate me
My life has been a trainwreck since the day they made me
Don't ******* play me
You think I'm innocent with a smart mouth
***** I'm reckless with a hit list and there's only my name on it
I put myself down so other people can step up
I've lost my faith and my passion
I'm really messing up
I never reached for the stars
I was too busy looking at my feet
Father please if you see me send help
I've been walking backwards just to save everyone else
I'm stuck on the *****
And stuck on the blade
Can't ******* sleep at night
And eat every other day
My mind is fading away
I'm honestly trapped in my honesty
She kissed me last night and now I can't breathe...

I'm living a life with no dreams and no bibles
I'm working on my suicidal tendencies because


I'm vital
Jackie May 2013
I always looked for a sense of belonging
A calling
Something I could claim as my own
I searched for something inside me
But never felt at home
And as people started to find themselves
I was stuck in a hole
Not knowing who I was
Searching long and hard
For my soul
People told me to be whoever I wanted
And I just wanted to be free
But this secret kept a hold on me
It latched on and wouldn't let go
And I knew I had to let it go
But this whole feeling of belonging
Stopped me in my tracks
I couldn't look back
See it turns out that I knew who I was
But I hoped along the way
It would change
I would hopefully outgrow these feelings
Even though deep down I knew they would stay the same
So my sense of belonging quickly went away
And I had to be ok with it
The sad thing is
I spent so much time pushing it away
Instead of smiling and being ok
So much time lost trying to find a new me
So much time lost trying to be free
Instead of living
Jackie Nov 2015
I can see her
When the world is loud and chaotic
And when I'm not sure where my sense of balance went
I can see her
When my heart gets quiet
And I forget how long I've been standing in place
I can see her
When I look at sunsets
And when I watch wind make ripples in pools of water
Sometimes she is right in front of me
So real I could reach out and pull her presence into me
When I least expect it I can see her
When I open my front door to embrace the cold world
When I am somehow lucky enough to open my eyes to a new day
I can see her
I'm not sure where the line is between reality and fantasy
Or if people notice that I stare into the distance as if I see something that could never possibly be there
I see her when I smile
And when my heart races
I see her in everything that is sick and beautiful because she had always been like me
She comes when she knows I need her
And she goes when my train of thought gets derailed
I see her when I need to remember who I am
And when I need to be kept alive
Jackie Sep 2015
I want the next girl who loves me to know that these scars are just bad memories
And to not be concerned
That they appeared because life became numbing and I wanted to feel alive again
I want her to know that I used to get wasted because it made me focus on the hangover and not the heartbreak
But I don't do that anymore
I want her to know that these hands sweat and ache to hold something other than my burdens
That I don't want my past to be a problem because it always has been
I want her to know that I can be worth it
If she just gives me a chance
She needs to know that I love unconditionally and that has always been my biggest mistake
If she takes shots at me I will kiss her instead of fixing myself
I will bleed out for the simple fact that I am trained to love someone more than myself
But she needs to know that I will love her
I will love her at 3am when her mind has become a weapon
I will love her when she can't even love herself
I want the next girl who loves me to know that I am a fighter
With 3 attempts under my belt
She has to know that I will stay awake at night incase she needs me
I will tell her she's beautiful even when I haven't seen her all day
Because I know how healing it can be to have someone who loves every broken part of you
And my mission in life has been to help as many people as I can
So to the next girl who loves me
I'm here if you're here
And I will love you even if you're the last person I help
Jackie Apr 2014
She remembers peeking through the blinds as her mom pulled out of the driveway every summer morning
She remembers attending the same school for nine years with the same people
She remembers how her grandparents basement smelled like smoke and after her grandpa died, it no longer smelled like smoke
She remembers sticking her head between the railings in her cousins house and getting stuck
She remembers her grandpa teaching her how to play basketball
She remembers being afraid to go to sleep because she thought she would forget to breathe
She remembers losing her friend in 9/11
She remembers learning about what death was
She remembers asking if there was a playground in heaven
She remembers asking if she had to come inside when the street lights came on
She remembers sitting in the back seat of her dads truck, thinking that the moon was following her
She remembers getting a concussion during basketball when she was a freshman and not remembering anything after that
She remembers coming out and how her parents didn't accept her
She remembers falling in love and how it hurt like hell
She remembers her parents fighting and covering her ears
She remembers wanting to die
She remembers when her memories were too painful to remember
Jackie Apr 2014
Over time
You forget how to rhyme
You start to lose sight of what's right
And go for what's easy
And believe me
Everything I write
Consists of everything I've been through
I used to be a hopeless kid
Drowning in all the negatives
Blinded by the scary thought that I wouldn't make it out alive
But I needed that drive
That motivation
To motivate my determination
Everything that was crushing me
Ended up helping me fly
The things that were holding me back finally let go
And my hope is being restored
Along with my flow
And over time
We can forget who we are
Forget what got us this far
But if we stick close to our hearts
We will never fall short of greatness
Jackie Aug 2014
Do you know what's weird
Silence
Like why do I have to keep my voice down when the world is sleeping
Just to be woken by
Cars
Trains
Planes
People
Heartbreak
Whatever
Like why should I hold my tongue just so others can speak their mind
If they wanted to speak their mind they would talk over me
Yell at me
Something
Instead I have to keep quiet
Quiet my mind
Quiet my passion
Just so I can sit in silence and wait for you to think of something meaningful to say
Let me help you
Today I said goodbye to my ex girlfriend
You might be thinking why when she is already my ex
She died June 22nd
And I still have conversations with her while I'm making food in the kitchen
Like she's going to walk in and tell me how her day was
And now I will have to deal with silence
I preformed my own funeral for her because I could not attend her real one
I wrote her name on a rock
I talked to a **** rock
I told the rock I loved it and that I was sorry and all I heard was silence
Really?
That's all I get rock?
After everything we've been through?
Well alright
I threw the rock in the river and watched it sink to the bottom
After the deafening splash came silence
I now hate silence
I stood on a bridge and waited for something to happen
I walked off in silence
I thought my words would resurrect her
I thought my apology would bring a more relieving feeling
So do not tell me silence can be a good thing
Silence leads to over thinking
So if you plan to talk over me, make sure you have something decent to say
A story to tell
Mine ends up being about a rock
A rock as a metaphor for my relationship
And nothing more
Goodbye rock
Now I can be happy with silence
Jackie Jul 2013
Sometimes at night I think about life
Like if I were straight would I dodge hate
Or if I tried harder in school or were a better athlete
My parents wouldn't feel the need to lecture me about every little thing
I think about love and how everybody seems to take it for granted
Everything revolves around text messages instead of face to face interaction
"I love you" gets thrown around like a boomerang
And you stand there waiting for it to come back but realize that it was never yours to throw in the first place
Sometimes at night I think about life
Like maybe if I just opened my arms to the world
I would be ready to catch all the pain instead of letting it hit me in my face
If only I accepted every little thing for what it was
I would better understand why some experience more pain than others
Sometimes I miss sleep so I can think about life
Realizing that what I want has to be in my reach or else it never would of entered my mind
Just give it time
I'll make you realize that with life you take the good and the bad
Hand in hand
Always understand that where you stand isn't always where you plan to be
A little misfortune can sometimes be a blessing
Jackie Oct 2013
I'm becoming weary
Not caring about anything
Life is getting dreary
I can't see the beautiful things
Time is slowing down
My mind is shutting down
The hardest part of my day is just getting up
I haven't been sleeping
I toss and turn
Like waves hitting the shore and then retreating
My heart is taking one hell of a beating
Can you tell that I'm trying to lose all feeling
I want to hide away
Wait for all the pain to go away
I walk through life in a haze
Smile when I have to
My only response is "I'm okay"
I feel close to snapping
Everything is happening so rapidly
A catastrophe
Why me
I refuse to make wishes
Because they don't come true
I look like a fool
But if I had to make a wish
It would be that happiness is right around the corner
Is it to much to ask that I get one night of sleep
I don't wish to dream
And if I scream
Will it draw attention
This sadness is an infection
Spreading quickly
To every inch of my being
And I could fall right now
But no one would be around
So I'll try not to make a sound
I'm not good with endings
Or anything
So do I keep writing
Letting go of pain in each word
I envy birds
For their ability to fly away
And if I return
I hope things aren't the same
But for now I've run out of things to say
I just want to sleep my pain away
Jackie Jan 2014
My mind seems to wander aimlessly
As the clock ticks away
Chips away at my shame that was built up from yesterday
It pains me to see you this way
But if time is our only healer
I'll see you in the future
And hope that your pain has washed away
But until then let me introduce you to today
He is my dear friend
The last of his kind
I hope you don't mind that I'm taking the time to write this out
I only have one doubt
And that's life in it of itself
But why not take the time to thank all of the haters
It sounds cliche but you made me greater
Took every ounce of hope I had and destroyed it
You wanted to feel 10 feet tall
But ended up demoted
So you can take my words to heart
Better yet
Take your words and shove it
I write better when I'm sleep deprived
But with the dreams that I'm having
I'll be eaten alive
Never waste time sleeping when I can be forming words that help bring meaning to everything that had no explanation
Sign this form its a written notation of everything you've taken away
They're not special rights if I'm fighting for the same ones that you already have
It's called equality idiot
As in equal
We're all the same
We might look different but our blood runs the same way
But you must not get enough to your brain
It's sad isn't it
When people would rather be exactly like everyone else in order to be accepted
They give up feeling in order to make others happy
I remember when I was like that
Here's a secret fact
I grew up being told that if I did everything right
The man of my dreams would one day find me
7th grade I looked at a girl and thought I did everything wrong
What was going on in my heart
Was not okay
I didn't know what people would say
Punishing myself
Thinking I could change fate
Lead me away from my faith
And brought me nothing but pain
It's safe to say I didn't understand anything about life
Or that caring about what other people thought only brought people to their knees
So please
Just be you
I'm through trying to make excuses for why I'm not happy
I accept the fact that I've let life drag me down
But look at me now
I can say out loud that I love a girl
People say that when you find yourself you will know it
I think I'll go to bed now
Wake up and look around
Because I've figured everything out
Jackie Oct 2013
You see that boy
Well he just came out
His families world
Got flipped upside down
They can't look at him
And he can't make a sound
He knows that they'll accept him one day

You see that girl
She hasn't eaten in four days
She looks at herself
And wishes she could change
People laugh at her
They point and stare
But someone will love her one day

And I know
What you're going through
I know
That it can be hard
But you'll make it through
You can be who you are

Smile
Cause you're still here
Yeah you've come so far
Smile
You're in the clear
And you can have it all
Jackie Sep 2013
I never thought I'd make it to my senior year
I never thought that life would bring me here
And yes there were struggles and fears
But you always believed in me

You knew I was lost and alone
You knew I needed something I could call my own
And I was never promised greatness
But that never stopped you from letting me shine

You watched me succeed
You watched me fail
You knew I was in dire need
But you knew I would always prevail

You are my special friend
The one who taught me so much
I can't believe where I've been
I can't believe that you have changed my life this much
Jackie Sep 2013
I always seem to go through stages of sadness
One situation leads to multiple crashes
Splashes of disasters
Walls closing in
No air
Too far to swim
I know they never last
But always come back
They take hold of my life
And tonight
I shut the world out
Forgive me for what I may blurt out
I can say I'm not happy
That my life is ******
I can take what I've learned
And grow from it, I am sure
I don't really know what else to say
My feelings are spinning today
Hit fast forward
Don't need a replay
I need to get away
To a place
That appreciates who I am
My friends all know me as the brave one
What's so brave about telling the world you're the gay one
My family doesn't understand me
I can never make them happy
We barley agree on what to eat for dinner
Let alone whether I have the right to marry
I feel very alone
Have lots of friends by my side
But sometimes I don't want to be alive
I'll throw my phone at the wall
Contemplate who I am
If you saw inside me maybe you'd understand
But until then
I'll express myself the best way I know how
And for now
I'll stare at my ceiling
Until I fall fast asleep and dream about a perfect place for you and me
My alarm will go off
I will be alive
No suicide
I'll just prioritize
Until I am finally happy
Jackie Oct 2013
I sometimes ponder life outside these walls
We are all just tall buildings waiting to fall
I wonder how people can hate
Continue to live in such a negative state
I wonder if there is more out there
I try to believe that life is fair
That we are all connect by tiny microscopic hairs
That make us who we are
But let us know that we are not far apart
I wonder if the after life
Is more than an after party
I'm sorry
That I could not live up to your expectations
We all need to live life through inspirations
A single invitation
To join me on my quest to find what's out there
But I hate dares
How can you judge me
But say you love me
You talk so much crap
Like its your job to know all the facts
And even then you aren't happy with yourself
So how about around of applause
For the people who are strong
Even when everything is crashing beneath them
I can honestly say my friends
Saved my life
They know my struggle
Know my strife
Took my troubles
Into their own life
I am here today
Because they wouldn't let me go away
But I'm afraid
That once I leave
I won't believe in living
These walls are a tight cage
That keep me from feeling
I sometimes ponder my own destiny
My past has gotten the best of me
I'm slowly rebuilding my tall building
Making it stronger
And taking longer
To achieve my ongoing dream
Of making it past 18
Jackie Jun 2016
Stop romanticizing the people who hurt you
Don't compare them to a dead flower
Or a sunset
Talk about how they erupted like a volcano
Talk about how they made you fall like a tree
They are storm clouds
Bad habits
Don't talk about the way they chose to love you
Talk about how they spoke when they were angry
Describe their impatience
Don't use a metaphor to illustrate the curves of their smiles
The beauty of their eyes
Talk about the shape of their fists
The noise behind the slamming doors
Don't act like you were the problem and all they did was try and find a solution
You are not a math problem
You are an abstract painting
And they never took the time to fully look at you
Let alone appreciate all you had to offer
Let's not talk about what you might have done wrong
Let's talk about how they reacted
Why do we have to punish ourselves because someone else didn't know how to love us
Why do we break a part our way of thinking to match someone else's thought process
We are all tiny planets
Small universes
Don't cover up your own beauty and wonder just because someone wasn't prepared
Shine the way you want to
Let's talk about that
Jackie Oct 2015
Now I know why storms are named after people
Because you rolled in without warning
It started with a single drop of rain and then a flood
I got swept so far off the beaten path that when the storm ended I was lost
And I can't stand the fact that I will never be able to see you move and form into who you are
Never get to see you rush into my arms like a wave finally reaching the shore
The storm is over
It devastated so many lives
It left me washed up and abandoned
But if I had the chance
I would take the rain all over again
I would take you in all your stages and cycles
Now that the storm is over, I'm waiting for the rainbow
I'm waiting to finally be okay with losing someone who had every bit of me drowning in them
Losing oxygen, trapped in your voice
Losing my way in your eyes
You came
Built me a house
And ran through it like a pile of leaves
And so I know why they name storms after people
We were the most devastating love story
Resulting in two fatalities
You when you died
And me
When everything didn't seem as beautiful unless you were tangled up in it
Next page