No line is clearly recognizable

Two sides to this mind; I know.

I am; am not the innocent, or to blame

We are taught what has been wrought

Our pixel washed minds; all have to be special

Pretend we decide; want to highlight struggles

Fight is all that comes from each needing to be seen as special.

My red face in my hands
Pride dropped lack of nothing
Save relaxation or doubt
Any kind, brings folly

I no longer practice
Too easy to hide from eyes
That shift, dialog broadcast
With no words from lie laden lips
Troubled smiles please end it
One more bump of judgment
To bring down the guilt upon
Beneath the avalanche finally
Smiling at my luck in fact
Free of the mess of existence
This state that is...
Hoarding
T

Where now should I make myself be
Right here as I lay my machine mimicking
Predawn in artificial light I listen
The air as i take it in deep as weight
It feels dreamt up, artificial, viscously vital
Less loose this fragile link to everything
The rise and fall is as it should be
I tease to fill the conscious cost then
My net cast keeps the illusiveness of emotion
From freely doing as it pleases
Mindless the cause, unconscious to the present
Awaken first within where i recognize
I am not this blood, not this meat
all i am ever going to be
Cannot be found in these tools we use
When inside the place we all reside
Needs to be reminded of what living
Or the interpreting may experienced
It is through this breathing, needing,
Mortal vessel that sees through the eyes I've come to understand as being
Two dark pools of it all
The being in control is me

If I must have three reasons
Two good, one overdue
And if the two are true
Then if I can help me I will
Learning to help you
Something I might like
So whisper sweet your nothings
Say then just three
to contribute, make them true
So I can believe
As I am counting on you
False things fall apart
Let one have me
If one is you
Then the last will be
Three... Overdue.

To joke around,
Oh,..  I don't know...
How do you?
Any day,  
Any night,
This broken globe might,
Recoil back down on itself.
And the world we know,
Will only be available
When around the campfire.
When we take turns
Spinning impossible tales,
To those to new,  to little,
Innocent and too late
To know, to have lived
Once in a world without having
Passing on, how to go on with so little
Where to find another meal.
The trick to calling fire,
Who to help and those that take
All about arrows and bows,
Firing guns and survival.

You mess around now,
So secure, so very very sure,
That this might be folly
What day you when the works of man
And power falls to those with knowledge and expertise at thriving
Will they, well will I,..
Help those,  like you?

Alone

In flight aimed at denial.

Aloft

Thrown with purpose

Apart

Impacting a breath this side

Another

Win denied

As if, yesterday!? I am me, but then, when I lived this or my very very first visitation
Of this hint of a moment, my mind, behind eyes but I see it.  Colors and sounds if I dive deep enough, coaxing and applying great will yo bring to my shallow forefront memory.
Forgotten why I run myself to conundrums and the distant stare, gone, unfocused on the now I squander looking back.  The classroom lights off as the magic of the reel chatters and sounds out in delayed wonder.  And we, I am enthralled to the world of motion set upon silver dusted and spread laid finely so the phantoms in the dancing light may hold visible and our minds so intrusting may be ***** and pillaged by a mouse with two big ears and an army of psychologists drawing maps passed if or if not we even like these tales...

Brainwashing generations into the Mouseketeers then run rampant behind lines and wrinkles brows of the me I am now.   A product of the moving pictures... Thank you.

Might be I chose this rotten rut

Stinging lights that scream as they do

Whilst loose fronts invite but seed off

Why not im lighter because of the effort

Imagination fell short.

I was to take a few minutes now, to aim my words much more specific this night.  to those that know and use and share their own views and emotions on this site, I must offer to you my deepest thanks for listening to my rantings.  I know very few actually come across as more than gibberish and the fact that there are others that took the time, read my rabble and even at times shared it with others, to those few I thank you from the deepest, most shocked, insecure recesses of my introvert heart.  you make me want to share,, and put it out there.  all the things that haunt, empower, surprise, and annihilate me.  thank you for taking the time.

Doubts weave so easily
Wading into unknown
Ways of doing something new
The weight of others faith
What if misplaced
Terrifying scenes of failing
Weaknesses in me haunting
To do my best is all I do
I am trying and always aware
The consequences of finding
My best as it is found wanting
I am afraid and I
Must keep on trying.  
No other choice have I
I will do.  I will continue
Trying.

In the end there is always Me
That man that stokes a dwindling flame
huddled over, in sheets of water
The end is always the same
I am that man against,
Tending steadfast
Stoking the lost cause
To keep a fire in the rain.

Warm against this man
As the only sound is that rattling fan
White noise she said, as she slumbers
One arm, one leg, her beatiful head
Draped over a man so in love.
To lay against this woman is a gift.
Never been so content, just to feel
Her breaths, tickle prefect
Music,  as I gently kiss her head.
To lay against is a gift

My eyes open to the state of my being
When did my ability to decide
Fall broken it's little pieces tinkling down
I have given up most of my reasons to stop
Protected the only bad thing at the cost of so much.  
My mood falls to look back up at me
The way I was and I recognize how badly
I need to be the one that I gave away

Just the moments before dawn
Me, myself, wrapped in tight midnight fabrics
Reading to write, more or less
at a familiar  none creative not real
Losing always at this art of lost
But I miss her, I miss suzy.
And no word or rhyme will fix
That I tried too little though I tried.
Now those are the only prize.

I wish to speak now child,
unto the ears of the sheep
Words are not for you.
You, I give my artwork
framed, pieces of my darkest works
deep like the hours that go on for days
Cycling, cycling, always the same
Every morning grows to day
Identically predictable
Just as was the day before
as it was days, and days since past
I am aware that each breath
is one less that we get to take,
What is off is that it doesn't bother me
I don't worry how I waste each one
Watching the leaves of fall start falling
dried, cracked, severed, falling
the leaves resemble yesterday
floating, and falling on the winds
from far above and out of reach
to the forest floor, the earth,
to feed the soil and dirt.

In this may be found
Breath taking
Sums of plunder and power
Beyond the fabled ether
As God's have come to fall
I am forever, worth these folds
Creases against the very necks
Passion beating flowing within
Calling and craving to be known
Sense and far opposite talent
Do I plan my tale as confession
Before the all knowing masses
Lest they label or offer less interest
I choose no filters or  any other rule
So the bitterest tasting flesh is
Uncooked fresh and ****** digested.
Lost sight, floundered and posted anyway
To record my thoughts as they honestly are.
When far off the man I may be then reads and wonders what on earth had I been thinking.

Sand spills, passed trembling hands
And the hourglass is too alike a broken mirror
A counter to an image of us, showing us
light hits glass in right and wrong angles
so good, your attempts, just to falter
Oh, to free a Cindered and forgotten
over a bridge so fully burnt and broken
no more, no route to those shores
something funny in this, the feel of forgotten
stars number in the countless, billions
And alone, we all are but the sum of one
staring back, hands trembling

Two so lost

Seeking

To feel real

So broken

Holding an other

In love

As such is

Could

Would not what

Learn must one

To forgive

The two

So broken

Light from Her eyes,
  Casts out the shadows,
    from this place I often go,
      to hide
     My feelings,
  My dreams.
Where I go,
  when My life seems,
     Too unbearable.
        Out of control.

Fear in this
Possibilities endless
No solid proof
Leaving us to guess
On which do we then
Place our faith
Does it matter?
Until then
Guessing is best.

I'm doing this backwards it seems.
         This living, this life, this exhistance...
If that really is, what it is,... A gift, or a punishment?
         Similar to to *******, self gratification, that first one,..
                  Never another, not even the immediate second,..
After the first of anything,
           Has been,...  Is done,... Gets finished,...
                             Is experienced for the very first time,...
                                            The next and next and next,  the second...
              and on and on and on and on... are much much less intense.
More understood, less mysterious,... Less amazing,...  more like practice.

To know these thoughts
Pulling my mood to bleak
Each time my mind entertains
The notion and secret admiration
Unobtainable visions you are.

You might guess but I guard them
My pride and my aging acceptance
The denial and the hindsightedness
Bitterness so impotent and useless

Beautiful, You, and I  can't bring attention
I'm. Too old, too far past the moment
No. I must appreciate from afar
Stolen glances from forgettable interactions.

It's not a blameable situation
I am longful, going for eyes
that see inside and passed
The lines of time too clearly present
Hopef but for One whom tries for
Proximity and time by my side
and that is never yours to supply.

It ***** I am so far ahead of
My youthful desires
and the unsaid.

A little of the ways
That in meaningful associations
Indeed seemingly do so
Contribute to the whole
This soul, a man  
A being.
Seeking out
What it is to simply be.
Make that being,
That is oft lost
Steadily climbing
Declining
Describing with little
Ability, less talent
The wars waged beneath
And the collateral damage
Unseen.

With no words in the air
The one we don't know
The reason, and meaning
Our own hidden fear
Be then so well defined
Screams to surface
To paint a face of guilt
Even if there is no basis
Without words well spoken
Thought out, without menace
Empathy, caring and attention
Spoken to clear the fog
That words unspoken bathe in
And insecure fears do dine upon,
Our ties too thin, two lives destined
Will twist and bend, stretching
Until they are apart.

'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.
' will you try? '

O'  to describe that silence...
Put in words that look...
found behind proud eyes,  
As a man of greatness stared,
quietly into the distance.
To the cushion of memory
..  
The startled rabbit. The prey that feels it is hunted.

I think I want to change

Feel that I am ready

Living as I have this way

Leaves me alone and empty

I think I need to change

How can I be myself

any other way than now

but it is said people change

I need help.

I guess the madman
have calculated urges
disturbing angles
and unknown destination
exponential compromises
are words unsaid.
leaving leads to a labyrinth
full of unwanted things there
are the sounds you hear
of your own heart beating
that then seems to echo out
and fall to pieces
imposing places of
contemplation seeking direction
and comforting
they're all of the skills
They are barred
with in Wheeling, Broken,
and imperfect scars
scars that speak
in voices without tongues
They fluently create the lies
currency of  and for
causing discomfort as designed
glinches come at random
places that there is concern
that the illusions tell now,  cherished
and innocent versions all dressed up
False faces of who we are
feeding risky randomness
auditions held for the part of grown up obsession over
the past happy to give
flawless proof of lives In motion
not punching like creatures
Vultures circling over poisoned enclosures
those explorers so eagerly lost
create what happens
and I recognize the patterns
and the direction entices them
the misunderstood
They,  the lacking
the admiration leaching from the dependent
alien reasons for force
human consumption
we want so we approach
imagining admiration
as the fake see clearly
This comes along empty and fruitless weeping on road
they twist and turn to our destination listen for proof
Find strangeness from the terrified smiling as reflex is often fun to witness
Life is a marketing bonanza
Fretted upon by the aged
and confusing the greater purpose
It is unflattering
The images are set on dancing
in dream- like exuberance
But for our Commercial grade lifestyles worn out just as the next latest arrived motion that spurs ordinary
traditions are lessees and should lead
follow behind today showing.
direction and dramatic pauses
decisions create ruined morals
floating on an endless breeze
they are carried past the gate
seemingly entitled
as if born there and welcome
Off is the practiced flaws
missing is the counter balance
confrontation unspoken is kin to action anger is without conscience
mistakes have been made.
deception is practiced,  perfect.

I want to be everything you need
The way that she can breathe life into me
Making her dreams my only desire
I will change in any way she needs
I want to carry her in her place
Above me,  worthy and effortlessly
Beauty and my everything
She Fills me completely in many ways
I need to be,  or do,  or bring into being
All the best and all the precious things.
As she reignited this forgotten man
I now and here after swear my heart
Offering all my days to her for her to keep.

From all black and forgotten
Another place and time
We choose to become this
At least for one life's time
These bodies are our anchor
Make possible these adventures
And without we must return home
To become mortal for a moment.
Is to remember the power of emotions
Something the timeless forgot.

As my venturing continues,
Yet once more unto to the depths.
My senses mean nothing,
All I feel is not physical, it is not.
Though I feel my heart crushing
The broken parts collapsing in.
I remind myself  this
Hurt has happened before
I did not die, I will not this time.
As I feel wetness roll
loose of my unfocused eyes.
Let them, it is my salve
My acceptance made real
They represent the new memories
I know I'll never get, and am only letting go.
I will be fine, as the world now lost and
All around is dark to and loneliness
Calls to have it's audience for