Anxiety is depression without the resignation;
the teetering hope on the cliff edge, not knowing if it will fall or right itself.

I'm in love, I'm in lust, I'm in danger, I'm endangered
I want to take your breath away
And I wanna take my own away too
Wait
Did you catch that saying?
I live for love and don't want to live anymore
That's insane

It's a contradiction between contrasted conflicts that pulls my emotions to apathy when I want to care

I'd give everything to give everything again, but I gave it once and have nothing left but memories of when you left, so turn left while I turn right and imagine a world where I make things right by writing it all out

Then I'll run out of words to say that I love you still even when my heart is still and I've moved to the great beyond
Beyond hopes and dreams and heartache and pain
Darling this isn't a game but we played it all the same, & the smile of yours that used to greet me now grieves me

You can't hear my voice read this but you still hear the desperation; I'm depressed and don't know what to do when I only knew of you; it doesn't matter, since this matter will one day turn to dust and ash

Blocks settle inside my mind//
Bookends to the pages of us//
Pressed together but fallen apart//
Every poem a story, a seance to your ghost//
You're not dead but I am to you//
I'm on the other side tapping the glass//
Hopeful that someday a whisper of me//
Might graze across the valleys of your brain//
The memories would be kind, not of pain//
But that's just a fantasy//
And our love was just fiction//
It became stillborn in reality//

My dreams are invaded by you; I am besieged by emotions I'd rather not feel anymore//
Your spirit lingers on my lips and tongue; everything about you I cannot have//
It's the only place you meet me; it's all fiction, bittersweet fiction//
I'm left to wonder if it's you reaching out, or me stuck in the past; I cannot know//

Same, same, same, same,
Same, same, same;
Words, words, words, words, words;
Something about love,
Something about life;

Copy // paste broken feelings;
Attempts at a deeper meaning;
Trapped with the same words,
Said differently;
Seven hundred plus posted poems,
Seven hundred more I scrapped;
But every one I write,
Feels like I'm on page one...

There's a noose around my guts
A lump in my throat
  & a feeling that I can't win
A staredown with Death
  & for once I have the upper hand
My soul runs faster than I can see
  & fear doesn't meet me here
What is this place?
  & why was I brought here?
What is this victory?
  & why is it mine?
If this is only a scent
I want to taste it full

I held on while I let you go; and darling if that's not love I don't know what to do.
When you walked away I only told you one lie and that was that I hated you.
That lie was true only on the surface because deep in my heart, darling, it split me in two.
I'm still in love, despite my best efforts; you're beyond me while I'm in my own noose.
Staring at a map, I cross the distance with my fingers and understand there is no use.
Life has made it's own plans for what became of us, and darling, love is always askew.

Collect washed out colors
To put in my pocket
As a keepsake with no value
Fenced in for safety
Peculiar things that I let in
Thoughts not my own
I resent them like the fireplace
Who's flames took my secrets
But I threw them in
It's the only thing in this house
To have changed in years
Why?
I hold the past for peace
Yet if I forget
There are ghosts that will avenge

When I stare at mirrors
My eyes disrobe the lies
And shadows of my mind
Til I'm left with emotions
Creaking on worn floorboards
Stepping into a noose
Kicking the insecurity out
And waiting to find out
If I died
Or was set free

For the briefest of moments, I met an angel;
She held stargazing eyes
And held in her hands, belief;
That things aren't always what they appear;
And I believe there was a smile on her face,
Though one was not on her lips.
Maybe one day we'll all be okay
And she'll be healed and held together,
Not by scars but by love.
One day perhaps,
We'll all be okay.

To those who have walked away when
I gave everything
I forgive you

To those I have hurt when I sunk too deep
I am so very sorry
I seek your forgiveness

To every vacated prayer I have prayed
I have weak faith
and many sins

To the year that has tortured me
I will come up swinging
I will not bow

just a brick out of the wall
a pebble falling down a hillside
a raindrop in the levy
a whisper of wavering trust
and im on my knees
waiting to see who will win
my faith
or
my shotgun

The flower of love I will let go//
to unfold in the wind//
to blossom elsewhere//
All has been said//
None have been true//
Walls and towers built//
over a hundred wood crosses//

Flowing velvet worn to rugged//
Snatched away by life and death//
this doesn't feel like home anymore//
this isn't my home//
Desperation holds the nostrils shut//
& ***** the air out of our lungs//
We settle for none// and love even less//

a sigh will suffice
despite the noise i wish to say
heaviness holds the words down
so silent memories will have to do

Open the cuts on my soul again//
to make sure the pain hurts the way I remember it//
Darling it's all I have left//
You a̶r̶e̶  were my addiction//

I tried to erase y̶o̶u̶  it but I just//
scratched the vinyl & carved your name on the walls//
so I'd never forget but//
always need//

If you would just talk to me
I have words
but
I don't think they're worth speaking
Poetically muted, I'm on pause
Take a breath
Take a second
It's fine
I'm fine
Just a normal response
to my love
Is to become
Discarded

Well these days I'm not fine
Sitting and staring at flowers that aren't mine
Breathing a breeze that smells of seawater
Thinking of my heart beneath those distant waves

I need someone but no one can help me
Everyone says to "get some help please"
What does that look like through my lenses?I

Help for you is not help for me
Help for them is not help you you
Help for me is a mystery

Shrouded and ambiguous
It flies like migrating birds far beyond my reach

You should believe in love, girl
One day it's going to find you
Love will say your name
and you're going to fall

It's going to be okay

When it's real and unmoving
At your side when you're low
Love will say your name
and girl, you're going to fall

It's okay

All I write are empty pages filled with words
Trying to let out demons I locked in
To convey that I'm not okay
I'm broken inside
Nothing helps
I'm alone
I'm dying
Drowning
Nothing helps
I can't stop the pain anymore
Peace is just the time between waves of pain
Everything that is good that steps into my life
Gets taken away from me
Pushed out the door
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry
For being alone
For dying
For drowning
In thoughts not my own
I'm broken
Please leave me alone
You don't want to see me like this
You don't
Please go
please...

There is a fear resting on this brain
Fear of obsolescence too young
Use used up too early
Spidering across my mind's eye
It is
Unsettling
To be old at a young age
In body & mind
The mirror shows your youth but
Cannot discover the years within
Everyone says "You're so young you have your whole life ahead of you!"
(It's such an oxymoron, your whole life is only ever behind you... If people cared to think they would learn this)

Young
young
y o u n g
Is it just a number?
Do I have to bury friends and family before I'm considered old?
Where is the invisible threshold that I must have passed when I was a child? Or a teen?
I haven't pocketed my third decade but my
HEART
                    is
HEAVY

I long to die but I'm scared to die so I just want to die so I stop thinking about death all the time. People will get over me.
If I'm (un)lucky my words won't be remembered
Most words are memories we want to forget
Yet we write them down
To the deep parts of our souls
Etch them in our marble foundations
Hoping out dreams will show them some nights
But I want to forget it all

I'm old ******
If you don't believe me ask my friends
If you don't believe them ask the dead
If you don't believe them stop reading
Because you were never listening in the first place
Just waiting for your turn to talk
To say I'm nonsensical
To eNcOuRaGe mE to lOoK fOrWaRd
When forward doesn't exist yet
By the time it does it's just more minutes
Stacked on my back
Days stacked on my back
Months stacked
Years stacked
Until you call me old
and I tell you I've been here the whole time

(You just chose not to believe)

friends that i've lost
i remember you in my heart
your graves stand tall and polished

promises
   that you wouldn't leave
promises
   that what we had meant something

i hate every time you go
without even a goodbye
it hurts more and more inside

promises
   don't mean much anymore
promises
   are an untold lie

someone take this damaged soul
i have no need for it anymore
just let me die under this moon

Noun, verb, adjective
Pronoun, proper noun
Determiner, exclamation
Interjection
It can do it all
Tastes like vitriol
High on the anger
     (or high on the pleasure)
Sharp as a broken stone
Fits the bill on any occasion
Censored, painted over, blotted out
Doesn't matter to me
I love the word "****"

scared to touch
these feelings
so I'll just watch them
float away
like a bubble
wonder about life
being alone
so used to it
but so uncomfortable
pity the mirror that reflects me
who wants to be scared
who wants to be alone
who makes the choice I made
to amputate your own heart
sometimes I still play make believe
except this time
my bed is a casket
not a pirate ship
and I won't have to get up
tomorrow morning
and face the same day
that was faced yesterday
and today
I'm worn to my bones
my bones worn to marrow
cannot stand anymore
so just sit on the floor
weak
weeping quietly
should I drink or should I ****
I hide both from the ones I love
until the feelings disappear
and let in the jealousy
that they get to float away
while I stay grounded
too scared to
let it all go

Yes, I lost her
But the pain I gained losing her
Was worth every second she was in my life
The broken heart in this chest
Holds the ghost of her tightly
And this heart
Remembers
All

Lamenting the light that has left this domicile/
Love has lain down never to rise again/
Lost in the liquid anguish of empty bottles/
Lust bid farewell in a rose stained casket/
Laced in black with pale skin never to touch again/
Loneliness holds me close to her/
Lurid faces meet my peaceful sleep/
Loss is the one thing I know I have/
Life's lyrics looted and left barren...

Run away//
Run away//
From the alarm clock that breaks your rest//
Run away//
From the pains held in your chest//
A life unblessed//
From blessings you subvert//
Run away//
From the love you invert//
Run away//
Run away//
Run//
Away//

a year
in its entirety
since my heart
turned to glass
burned
like a silver comet
plummeting
to drown in the sea
sunk to the depths
lost
as if it were a message
placed in a bottle
it's gone
just a shadow of what was
a single vein
a string
nothing more
just numbered days
that i should have let go of
a long time ago...