i'll wait,
sitting in the dark,
hoping for your light to shine
in the deepest corners of me.
i'll want,
yearning for the touches of your hands,
your lips, your body against my own.
i'll wish,
dreaming you'll encompass the empty space
of my mind and soul.
waiting, wanting, wishing,
for you and only you.
so make
my anticipations, my wants, my wishes
come true.

let
others see how staggering you are.
allow
the walls you've created around yourself
to dissolve.
reveal
the deepest corners of yourself
to every ray of the light.
****
the demons you have harbored.
create
space for
something better.
someone better.
step
through the doors;
move
within in the world,
newly naked and always terrified.
you'll live better that way.

the world broke my body in half
opened stitches with the rustiest of needles
drowned me in seas of my own water
spat at me with words from the worst of speakers
killed me until i was nothing
so
i walked away ****** and bent.
sewed the wounds again with my hands
breathed wisps of air when i made it back to shore
crushed the last syllables into the pavement
revived the last of my soul

i survived on my own
the world can take some
but it can't *t a k e  i t  a l l

the loneliness of my soul,
the pit in my heart,
the dark matter in my chest;
it's dug itself in my body
and made a home for itself,
deeply and comfortably.
i fear it will never leave,
no matter the attempts to make it go.
no matter the space,
regardless of time.
despite the bodies that fill it,
or my endless trials to push it away.
i fear
i've welcomed it like an old friend
rather than faced its personal immensity.
maybe i'm a culprit in my loneliness.
maybe i've held on as much as i've wanted to let go.
and that's what i fear most.

do you ever wonder
if you find pleasure in your sadness?
i ask myself many times if i do.
in the moment it isn't pleasurable,
but it's kept me company for so long.
i wonder if i should call it a friend.
a long distance lover
coming home for the weekend,
who will arrive soon
with tickets of tears
and promises of gloom.
maybe that makes me a special *******,
but at least i'm not lonely.

The underworld calls
I seek entrance to that invisible realm
The ferryman waves
I saved my coins, but he says my coins are no good in his world, so
He tells me to wait  
I hear whispers
The ferryman laughs and the turning waters summon me
Another journey
into darkness
I pay the ferryman
The underworld calls