i need a reason to believe my
"friends"
haven't given up on me.
i need a reason to understand why i am so unlikable
i need a reason to know why i'm always the last pick
with better
kinder
prettier
people always climbing over me.
i need a reason to understand where my qualifications for being considered "worth it"
went wrong.
i need a reason for the endless feelings of loneliness and isolation.
i need some solid substantial evidence that can help explain why the second i start trusting someone
they seem to forget about me.

is this paranoia?
is this a normal situation my mind is altering?

is this reality?
is this the way it has to be?
with being last and being left out and simply not being enough to be
included?
if this is the way it is going to be,
please just give me a reason why.

- a.g.

a whispered secret
a knowing glance
a random laugh
a hidden joke

i know i wasn’t there
but i swear it wasn’t my fault
so please stop making me feel
so freaking left out.

i’d rather be with you
and i know it doesn’t seem like much
but
a shaky streaks
a liked photo
a viral tweet
a funny video
thanks for giving me a reason
to give in to all this fomo.

“table for five please!”
long ago,
life was simple.
we were happy
and everything was happy
and life was good.

but nothing is forever.
and we could not remain this way.

“table for four please!”
not that quite long ago,
we were alright
and everything was okay
and life was decent.
we were incomplete.
but still doing
just
fine.

now,
we are not at our best.
and nothing seems to be working out.
and life isn’t all too great.

but it will be okay.
as i know, everyday,
we continue to yearn
for that table of five.

but for now
i guess we can make some new memories
and hopefully feel happy
once again,
with this table for three.

beauty is what she craves to find
when she searches the mirror for an answer.
and an empty answer always requires
a need for one

she tells me now that those happy pictures were empty smiles of self hatred and pain.
she says how this is how it has been.
i think of all the nights where i cried over my troubles.
i think of all the nights she was probably suffering along with me.
if i could see what she was thinking when i asked if her day was okay,
there would be essays of
no
no
no.

- a.g.

"goodbye for now."

goodbye is a funny word
for it has no time limit
of permanent
or temporary.

i knew i could handle this.
three weeks isn't that long
and i've been through worse.
but it's the little moments that make me miss you even more.

i miss you when we finish playing and i am left waiting for the page to turn.
i miss you when i instinctively turn around to see if i'm ahead of you in spanish.
i miss you when sammy complains about not being able to see the board and i don't hear someone else going "same" and throwing up sarcastic peace signs.
i miss you when your name goes on the board for missing another quiz.
i miss you whenever someone mentions how cute their dog is.
i miss you when i accidentally open your locker instead of vio's, and i am left staring at the ghost of an empty shell of a person.

it's the little things that make your heart ache a little more.

- a.g.

Are you okay?
Are you alright, are you fine, are you good?
Are you adequate, are you decent?
Are you emotionally stable, sleeping without crying, smiling because you want to?
Are you breathing without questioning, are you waking up without trying, are you eating without throwing up?
Are you reading this poem right now and thinking no?
Are you thinking for the first time, will I ever be okay?

You will be okay.
You will be alright, you will be fine, you will be good.
You will be adequate, you will be decent.
You will be emotionally stable, you will sleep without crying, and smile for the happiness blooming inside of you.
You will breathe without questioning, you will wake up to a new day, you will eat easily
You
are going to be okay.
So please smile sunshine
It’s a fine new day
To be okay :)

- a.g.

I can't sleep
Everytime I remember your words
They snap and recoil
And hurt me awake
Next time when someone
Promises me forever
I'll just smile
Look them in the eyes and ask
How long is forever to you.

I cannot compose brilliant poems, sonnets, or verses,

and I cannot speak to you in Latin or Greek;

I cannot move you with any language made up by man.

Love is the only only language I could touch you with

If you only knew how much I could love you.

If you knew I love you;

If I were brave enough to tell you at all.

We're almost touching.
we were walking side by side,
you're talking about cabs in your hometown.
I can feel the gravity of your hand, calling my fingers
whispering "it's alright."

We're touching but not quite.
you held my shoulder to protect me from the passing cars.
and for the first time in a long while, I felt so fragile.
In this world where I find it hard even to breathe,
you believed me.

I almost said it.
All I need is one ounce of strength to tell you every single thing that I have ever felt about you.

I want to find home in your collarbones.
Would you be kind enough to let a stranger in?
I want to seep in your being because I'm cold.
The world is harsh and my cracks are aching.

Almost.

Ill always smile
when I think
about you.
Your soft touch,
your sweet smile,
your gentle laughter.
You give me hope;
hope about people
and about society.
Our paths crossed
for only a short while
but you made my
heart flutter,
you caught me
in a way I’ll always
remember.
-JRM