Today is January 1st, wednesday, 3:48 pm. Hi, i just got home from grandma's/ We ate menudo and she had alot of food. Oh and happy new year. It feels the same i guess. I'm just on my bed. I'll probably just play a game. um i'll write later i guess. - 3:53 pm, E.C
    Um. I'm crying so much. I wanna cut so bad. I cant do this. Please help. I cant. I just cant. I wanna be gone. Just like bubba (my brother) said. I'm an embarassment. A disappointment. Why me Jesus. Why. WHY. I wanna cry but nenas in here. I can't take it much longer. I have to cut. I'm sorry.
   It's dark. I don't know where my knife is.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep.  I HATE MYSELF.
-8:28 pm, E.C.

carry on 5.7.25 (3:39 pm)
sure, maybe everything is going wrong
it’s always been ****** up
i was just too busy to notice

but we’ve always got to carry on
carry on,
carry on, hold your baggage close
hold a suitcase full of memories
wear a backpack full of grief
they might hurt your shoulders for now
but these kinds of things make you stronger

carry on,
carry the ones you love with you
carry on, always carry on

maybe you’ve lied
and maybe you’ll lie again
but we can forget and carry on

maybe you’ve betrayed me
and maybe you will again
but i can forgive
and carry on

carry on
because what else can we do?

[playing: imperfect for you by ariana grande]

Do not weep for me, for I will soon be gone.
My body may die, but my soul will live on.
Perhaps up to heaven, maybe eternity,
or be reborn as another, when I am set free.

Do not weep for me, for I will soon be gone.
I was a survivor since my first breath was drawn.
I loved and was loved by animals and man,
siblings, friends, and strangers since my life began.

I was blessed with a father who taught me well,
to live this life on earth as a heaven, not hell.
A mother who taught me to stand on my feet,
a faith that anchored me, all strangers to greet.

If you fear dying, you'll not live a full life,
as pain and dread will cut through like a knife.
Live each day with joy while you're here on this earth;
make each day count, with compassion and mirth.

Do not weep for me, for I will soon be gone,
my body may die, but my soul will live on.
I leave all of you with my love, and I pray
that our souls will touch once again someday.

You would never know it,
The constant pain I feel,
Because in the light of day
It almost isn't real.

Sure, I'll play, I'll laugh,
I'll sing some songs,
But that pain is always lurking
Because it's been here all along.

And when the darkness comes
With its all-consuming power,
It slowly takes my soul
Hour by dreadful hour.

But they tell me that I'm strong enough.
They swear that it gets better.
They say, "If you can just hold out
and bear this stormy weather."

They tell me, "You will be happy one day.
All you need do is fight."
But what they seem to forget
Is after each day comes the night.

And so I act along.
I play my part
While this crushing darkness
Slowly breaks my heart.

If Only...
A prayer was held in our nation,
Beauty was seen in more ways than one,
Children who are lost could find their salvation,
Death was slain and torture was done.

If Only...
Earth was awakened after years of endurance,
Forgotten feelings were rekindled anew,
God was man's only path and assurance,
Hope was the foundation of the world we knew.

If Only...
I knew more stories than those that were told,
Joy was a plague, and peace a disease,
Knowledge was worth more than silver and gold,
Love was sacred and endless as the seas.

If Only...
Miracles were seen more than daylight,
Never was replaced with forever,
Our eyes could see through the dark of the night,
Passion lived in us more than ever.

If Only...
Questions were answered, and answers were questioned,
Roses were pure and without thorns,
Sadness received only love and affection,
The empty knew why it was they were born.

If Only...
Us as a nation would join hands in song,
Victory was a gift to the humble,
When tears were shed, the earth felt strong,
Exalted men would fall and crumble.

If Only...
You and I would last forever.

If Only...

I was once sad and lonely,
Having nobody to comfort me,
So I wore a mask that always smiled,
To hide my feelings behind a lie.

Before long, I had many friends;
With my mask, I was one of them.
But deep inside I still felt empty,
Like I was missing a part of me.

Nobody could hear my cries at night,
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling,
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

Behind all the smiles were the tears,
And behind all the comfort were the fears.
Everything you think you see
Wasn't everything there was to me.

Day by day
I was slowly dying.
I couldn't go on,
There was something missing..

Until now I'm still searching
For the thing that'll stop my crying,
For someone who'll erase my fears,
For the person who'll wipe my tears.

But till then, I'll keep on smiling,
Hiding behind this mask I'm wearing.
Hoping one day I can smile,
Till then, I'll be here...waiting.