Someone once told me " A woman who gives birth doesn't make her your mother. It's the nights they spend caring about you, looking out for you, giving you a roof to live under."
My mom REALLY lacked that.

It hurts so bad to sit back and think about all the times we had spent together, laughter filling the room but in reality it was just a face. A mask.
A mask who hid the woman that birthed me. A mask that hid the fact that maybe you shoudnt have had me if you lacked what it takes to BE a mother.

Yeah you bought me fun toys at the dollar store, told me to play video games if i was bored, but you didn't protect me.
You didn't protect me from the shouting and slamming between you and him.
You didn't protect me when you crashed into those bricks.
You didn't protect me when I was beneath the bed hearing glass smash.
You didn't protect me mom.
You just didn't.
Now you face the consequences of your actions and maybe, just maybe you'll regret having made such dumb, ignorant mistakes.

I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of saying that I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of planning ******* candle light vigils.

I'm sick of funerals, sick of grief, sick of the hole in my chest that keeps getting bigger.

We are so young. How are so many of us already dead? Why is it that every few months, someone that I love leaves this Earth?

It's not fair.

I'm sick of saying it's not fair.

I'm sick of "I wish i got to see you under better circumstances, but I missed you." I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of watching friends and parents and spouses and children cry. I'm sick of reminiscing on stories and looking at photos from lifetimes ago, when things were simple and we were happy.

I'm sick of "they'll always be with you."

I'm sick of "they live on through us."

I wish they'd just live.

I don’t get to see you
too often,
but I don’t blame you
for what you did.

You couldn’t stay,
and that’s okay.
You always try
and sometimes lie,
but I won’t hold a grudge-
who am I to judge?

You tell us
you still love us,
and I know that.
So we can chat,
and i’ll sit with you a while
then you’ll feign a smile

But I see how it hurts you
your start anew,
your empty home.
I see your eyes like chrome.
You never stay too long
and your voice doesn’t sound as strong…

It’s hard to pretend,
and even harder to try to mend…
But anyways,
I’ll stop this haze-
I just wanted to say:
Happy Father’s day

Music isn’t just noice, it’s a language my soul already speaks.
The first thing that ever made sense when nothing else did.
I don’t just listen to it.
I feel it.
Let it wrap around my ribs like a lifeline when my mind starts drowning itself at 2 a.m.

It silences the thoughts that won’t shut up.
It fills the room so my fear can’t echo back at me.

When the world is too much, music makes it just enough.
Some songs hit like memories I never lived.
Others sound like truths I never said out loud.
They make me cry without warning,
Smile without reason,
Feel something when I’ve been numb for days.

It connects us.
Strangers across oceans singing the same lyrics with tears in their eyes.
People who’ve never met still get it,
Because the melody said what words never could.

Music is my safe place.
My freedom.
My heartbeat when mine is off-beat.

I need it
Without it,
I’m just static

I would give my life,
over and over,
if it meant you would still be here.