will you see my hairs go grey?
will you notice me grow insensitive to the world?
will you remind me of yourself when forgetfulness takes over?
will you be at my funeral?
will you cry when im no longer beside you?
will you survive for me?

i wish to travel a distance and reach for the light

i wish to be unbound by everything

i wish to be free, even from love

i wish to never return to the old places

i wish to be un-made

i wish to be free of me

when you no longer serve a purpose
youll be left with nothing but your thoughts
and all the time in the world to rot inside them

theyll set you aside like a finished book
not even a glance back at the story you bled for them

and the worst part is
you gave it willingly
you thought if the pages were honest enough
if the love was loud enough
it would matter

but each passing day drags you closer
to what you always knew but never wanted to admit
that unconditional love doesnt exist

you deceived yourself on a fundamental level
you let it twist your softest traits
fed your soul to a hope that was never real
now even your own heart feels foreign

you believed if you showed them
how much you cared
how much you were willing to lose
theyd meet you halfway through

but they just take
and take
and leave
and they sleep just fine

so dont fall in love
its exactly how you feared

the 12yo you saw it clear
before the world taught you to doubt him
before you mistook your bleeding for beauty
and called it proof of something more

you werent wrong to believe in love
you were just wrong to believe it had no teeth

im often reminded of things long past gone from my life

of how impossibly far they are from my grasp

sometimes i think
im only meant for wanting,
only made to desiring
never to have
never to be close

ive learnt too early, maybe too deeply
that no matter how much your heart speaks
no matter how loud your longing is
some people do not turn back
some things just arent yours
no matter how much they feel like home

and sometimes letting go of that feeling,
that you are meant for something or someone,
is the only way forward

sometimes
the kindest thing you can do for yourself
is close your eyes
without asking the morning to come

you fancy your mouth with cunning words
but you mistake everyone a lesser men than you

you blind yourself with confidence in your craftsmanship yet you shame others for things you are ignorant of

you dress yourself with the clothes of a free thinker yet you are as narrow as any

you dont realise your patterns and that is ok.

You are human. You will not be perfect. You will realise your hypocrisies too late. You will fail to improve.

You will end someday, and that is the only free thing you will ever be a part of.

I will etch your name onto the skin of my soul lest i forget my purpose hereafter