this feeling inside me devours every inch of my brain
just picks at it until there is nothing left but scattered ashes
left is the remains of what was
absolutely nothing

gravity isn't the thing that weighs me down but it's the thing that keeps me standing upright
I guess that's the one good thing about living here on earth

you know, I have heard a saying "hell is other people", but in this case, hell is living with myself.
living with the idea that once was,
am I to blame myself for not receiving the energy I so wish to deserve
let alone, being enough to deserve anything

love is outer space
enough to view the twinkle in the stars at night
or the moon and all of its phases
it's enough to feel the warmth of the sun glistening on your skin
to embrace the clouds and the sunsets that exist so effortlessly beautiful

yet, far from me to even reach
to want something that is just in the tips of your fingertips but not enough to grasp onto it
fighting for a feeling to live a love that flows carelessly

if I should disappear, would I still exist in your mind?

at the end of the day, what's left to hold on to?

left in the middle
of a never ending discussion
between me and you

it's my blood
to my brain
traveling through these veins
if anything it taught me
not to get too close

i've been away for a long time
I always try to come back
but somehow I feel unwanted
past times I've lost track

how can you expect me
to live like nothing's changed
the memories I have don't just go away

I'm wasting away
no longer living in my dreams
all they do is turn to nightmares
it's no different than reality

I'm not even looking for someone to save me

all I do is waste away,

how could you want me...?

I'm nobody good
nobody special
it's unreal,
just a touch and I melt

I'm melting away
unsure if this is the same

what am I feeling?

stuck
in a blank mind
going 360 like a carnival ride
i start questioning life
eating up my time

does anyone ever notice
that inside i’m broken
over words left unspoken

hiding.
feelings misguided
& undecided
stuck.

tired of being alone
would you even bother to pick up the phone?
begging for attention
is not what I ever wanted
imagine

it's hard to be sober in a world this dark
remembering every second of pain
wouldn't you rather be drunk?
the desire to be content
lingers around my perception of so-called " happiness"?

I don't want to let go
but what's left to hold on?
reaching for your arm
for a touch that's so warm
it feels like love
i don't want to let go
but maybe you do

lately,
i've thought about my anxiety
how it rised to be
never before a few years had happened
before I went through a traumatic experience
no, explanation

yet, it still haunts me to this day
do you remember?
I bet you don't

you see these are my struggles
in my day to day activities

as much as I tried to ignore that part of my life
I can not.
not for the life of me.

years passed and here I am struggling with a form of PTSD..

this is not a poem
but in order for me to write
I must write about my struggles
what's keeping me from achieving certain goals
I cannot continue to live this way
although, every single face
reminds me of that one brief moment

I can't escape

I wish this was only a poem and not real life
I don't know how much more I can take
this kills me
slowly

even if you read this
I know you would never understand


experiencing this is not the same
as when we parted ways
this is not a poem

it's not...

i’m supposed to be asleep right now
but somehow I can’t seem to get my mind right just because I close my eyes
doesn’t mean
I’m in the right mind to sleep if anything
it’s just a dream but all I ever  dream is  nightmares
forever in the dark that leads to the day
the sun shines with his shade
burning on the outside reaching in
the fire and his flames
have found me

another sip of a gin
here we are again
night of darkness
seeping in

don't you ever want to take control?.

when we touch
i feel it all

why can't you just leave my mind
exit away
like all of the tears i've cried
it's been too long
these feelings should be
well under control

can you imagine
all of the thoughts
that my brain has concurred

it's been too much

how can you tell if it's lust or love?
how can you tell when

why do we choose toxicity?
we crave peace and tranquility
but we survive on the drama
the intense emotions that rise up inside us
keeping us alive

I can't tell you how long it been
I can't even place a what or when
all I know
is this feeling
inside me
eating me softly
away I go

if only you could realize
what's happening to me inside
it could all make sense
if i
put the pieces of the puzzle together
but I seem to be missing a piece
where oh where could it be?

I'm drifting away
I'm in the sand and the moon and the ocean blue
I'm everywhere you can't be
anything to be far from you

in a snap, it could all make sense
but I see from the distance


you would never even know
id just be a ghost in your past
oh, I can't wait till we're miles and miles apart
oh no,

driving through this long crowd
can't imagine
the peace and quiet
all I ever lived was so loud

blinding by the thought, of love
wanting to care about someone,
other than me

L is for me loving the worst of you
O is me, overreacting the things you did to me
V, is very very, vindictive amongst the times I've tried
E is everyone who always knew

*it ***** waiting on love
to heal oneself takes a lifetime
waiting a few weeks is nothing compared to hours
and yet it all feels the same
patience is a valuable lesson
although it is hard for me to maintain
hurt is all the same *

sometimes I forget to breathe
other times, I don't want to
I'm sick and tired of struggling
it's a never-ending option
funny, isn't it?
people claim to care about you and how you're doing but who really asks?
good intentions are hard to find

nobody could ever truly understand my mind

I cry myself to sleep at night
and show up to work the next day like I'm alive,
mysterious or just well hidden?
I ask myself that every day

constantly struggling between dreams and reality
drained of this mentality
forced to be part of the unknown
....

strong enough not to stream tears down my face yet weak enough to feel emotions like lightning
on the inside, I'm slightly dying
I won't go down without a fight

you'd be so surprised
if you found out about my life
it's so unreal
I can't even feel
anymore
living a nightmare
is not what I chose
how could I ever be such a fool?
if not for you
if not for me
then who?
who could it be?

are the rumors true?
will i ever understand?

breathing came naturally to me and now it's a constant defeat
would you ever understand the struggle?
not even a recollection of me
i know you don't know my name
you would never recognize me
not even slightly
why am i trying?

you never came around
time passed on by
twenty-five years, not even a bite
as i lay here, just wondering why?

I became the careless whisper
as I withered into your bed
if only I had said yes
we wouldn't be in this mess
but it's all in my head

you'd never get it
you don't know what's wrong with the situation
or that you're in it
you're the star, baby you are

it started out from nothing
getting high and drinking
that time of my life
you wouldn't believe it

how did it get so serious?

I let myself get carried away
as I drifted off into space
it was peaceful to me
until I opened my eyes

to my surprise there you were
intimidating ..

you were the careless whisper

reeling me in from the depths
hard to catch my breath
waves of emotions crashing into me
swimming away from my problems only to be washed back to the shore

a failed attempt
over and over again
face in the sand
bitter taste in my mouth

struggling to escape
as the tide grows higher
reaching for the sun
as it burns me

eyes burned red from the water
is it too much?

an end to a struggling road of death and despair
who would of thought we would get this far?
certainly not I
if anything this is the beginning of the end

these are the scars that I cannot leave behind simply because they are deeply engraved in my soul
life could not place my final breathe
my final sacrifice
the end of an era is a start of an another
marks left on my body resembling
fingerprints of yours
wrapped around my arm like coil
blazing enormously into my flesh

I withered out like a snake shedding it's skin
to be rid of you is to let go of my demons
that haunted me not only during the night
daylight kept me inside
thoughts darkened daily
my life was nothing but a black hole

to be rid is to be free
to be free i had to die
i had to face the darkest demons buried underneath
no one should ever have access to such a thing yet somehow i managed
escaping when your'e dead is just a dream
that turns into a nightmare
repeatedly

if you want answers i don't have them
i drank away my memories with whiskey
the taste still lingers on my lips

to explain is to reopen a part of my past that i no longer associate with
those demons are vanished from my existence
to no longer haunt me as they please
to no longer have access to me
no longer have permission
can no longer destroy me
is this what it feels like?

i question,to be free,not entirely
although the thought does relish in my mind
perhaps just a small portion of liberty enhances my perception of reality
in the end, there is still plenty of darkness around me anticipating its arrival
but your fingerprints have now vanished into thin air just like the rest
i no longer fear you
i can't escape them all