there is nothing
more earthshattering
than discovering
someone you loved
is a stranger;
nothing more than a
monster in a familiar mask

I want to see the sea again,
but not like seen before
I want to watch a beast wash up
on a sopping, stormy shore

the sun has all forsaken me
the breeze turned torrent doom
the bright of day is dashed away
in tumbled, trashing gloom

my skin is scales, my breath is salt
my air is suffocating
I'm taking in the cold and dark
I'm watching death parading

to spite the light that's left my heart
is all the due I've paid
and every drop of dampened soul
sounds out my serenade

You were that boy
who spoke of forever

You were that boy
who promised me forever

You were that boy
who gave me forever

forever--
forever loving you
forever aching for you
forever yearning for you

I was that girl
who believed in your promise

I was that girl
who you loved with all your heart

I was that girl
who you promised forever

But I'm not that girl anymore
And I'd probably never be again

STRESS WARNING: ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP*
















I tried to forgive myself for not being enough for you when you needed something more something bigger than any entity on this earth and I tried to forgive myself when you could no longer look at my green eyes that you once said you could stare into for eons and I tried to forgive myself when you locked me outside your place after I was drunk begging for you to let me see you one more time and I tried to forgive myself for not being there for you when you lost yourself that day when the world stopped turning and I tried to forgive myself when you asked me to stop suffocating you with my desire to touch your skin to lock hands with you during that two hour car ride back to the home that no longer feels like a home because now you kicked me out and I sleep alone and the bed is cold and empty empty like the void in my heart now that I see you finally smiling again with her and I half-grin at the pictures of you two that I inevitably see online for a nanosecond until I feel that hole in my heart that choke-hold on my throat that twist in my stomach that makes the hot blood stop coursing through my veins and the air stop dancing in my lungs and suddenly I feel like I am six feet under in a grave buried alive because I cannot breathe or think all I hear is my heart pounding its way out of my chest synchronized with the pounding of my hands on the coffin and I feel claustrophobic like you did with the love you didn't want and I just wanted to let you know that in this coffin I will never forgive myself for the actions leading up to this moment this moment of being ****** into a vortex a black hole where I don't know where I am going or what will happen to my soul after I lose vision of the universe that is you and so I will never forgive myself for making myself live in a dimension without you