when you look back at your life
you won't remember any of this
not your first cut
nor your last
so you search
for people like you
people with scars
and for people who cover them up
who can't sleep
for people who hear voices
ones that tell them
to just man up and die
you search to prove your innermost suspicions wrong
you are not a freak
not alone
but you are
alone, i mean
and a freak, too
that's why people avoid you
cross the street rather than pass you on the sidewalk
they can feel your fear
your inability to trust
and it is because of this inability
that you loose hope completely
you can no longer trust yourself to function
it is because of the standards of this so-called
"Normal World"
that you do these things to yourself
Normal people feel pain
a kind of pain that you can't really relate to
(We Think It's Because You're A Freak)
it tugs at you
and you cannot bear to let this emotionless life define you
it's hard to say no to Being Normal
if you feel pain, after all, you are Normal
but you're wrong
it doesn't make you Normal
neither does dying
dying makes you dead
and despite the 170,000,000,000 accumulative body count,
dying is considered unnatural

it's a small and utterly worthless
gas-station trinket
pretty
and it reminds you of them
and for a second you can't help but want to buy it
and give it away
in the hopes that it will make everything alright

and then, on your way home, when you come face to face
with them
and their desperation
and you wish that you had bought it so there'd be something
to stand behind
cowering
unable to do anything but
plead silently

and years later,
and you wonder
if you had bought it
would it have fixed everything?
anything?
would it have repaired a soul

it's two decades since you saw that thing in the gas station
and life still hasn't moved on
well,
it has
but it hasn't
because you're still thinking about that *******
piece of plastic
and you just can't get it out of your mind
and you're buying beer
and you look to your left
and there it is
slightly modified
a bit beaten up
but the trinket
almost certainly not the same one
but this time you can't help yourself
your grab it off the shelf
and purchase it
for 99 cents
and you wonder why you didn't do that the last time around
it fixes nothing
absolutely nothing
and you didn't expect it t
but it's there
and they can see it

a small token of how ****** life has been
because that's life
slightly modified
a bit beaten up
but the same
for everyone
just the same

windy
and a long way down
the people pulsing through the streets
unrestrained

there's traffic
and cars honking
and all i can see
is life
movement

there's people
below these skyscrapers
that are alive
and have things to hope for
and i am not one of them

windy
and it's getting dark now
and i'm almost out of whiskey
so it's now or never
before i loose my nerve
before the reckless abandon stops coursing through my veins
before i forget why the hell it is
that i'm up here in the first place

the bottle clunks on the ground
hollow
completely empty
and i knew i should have brought another with me
or maybe picked a taller building
but as it is
there is nothing above me
all else
is below skyscrapers
all else
is tiny
and insignificant
and selfish
and **** it
why not
just
jump

windy
fast
unbreathable
cold
sharp

below skyscrapers

it is exactly 3:26 in the morning
and i am a mess
there is blood drying on my face
my nose partially crushed to the right side
a bruise darkening my left eye
my wrist appears to be swelling
possibly broken

i just stare down
at the ground
as if that will make it better
it doesn't hurt, not really
i mean, i've been in fights before
i know how to handle myself
and i know how to handle loosing

it is exactly 3:26 in the morning
and i am a mess
my posture is slumped
and my eyes are empty
completely devoid of anything that even partially resembles hope
my jaw is slack
and numb
and all i can think about
is how completely ******* stupid i was
thinking this could ever actually work
my mind is tired
and possibly broken

it is exactly 3:26 in the morning
and i am a mess
i have work in four hours
and a meeting with my boss about my chronic absence
and i need to clean my house
and make coffee
and fix my face and hand
and do laundry
and make myself look some semblance of alive
and working
and i can hear the people in the apartment above me
laughing
drunk, probably, given the current time
and i need to make my life less lonely
less ****** up
because i'm possibly broken

the sky was dark
and it was cold

that's all anyone seems to remember
there were sparks flying from the sky
like comets
trailing bright lights behind them

i was in a chapel
old
rotted
and, more importantly

empty

not of people
or objects

hope

everything was empty

the sky was dark
and it was cold

and there was a weird feeling going around
like something terrible was happening right under our very noses
and we couldn't stop it

the sky was dark
and it was cold

and i was outside
confused
laying face first on the dead leaves
given up

i ****** up
i ****** up bad

look at the sky
look at the angels
falling

one

by

one





f
a
  l
   l
    i
     n
       g

like comets

i ****** up bad

i'm empty

running on nothing now

want to scream, probably
but there's monsters here
and if i scream they'll hear me
and catch me

and i don't think i want that to happen

the sky was dark
and it was cold

and, ****, it's pretty out

bright lights streaming from the sky but no
because i know what's going on

it's not pretty
it's painful

i don't know where you are
and it frightens me
that you could be falling

i need you

i remember saying that

i remember what happened and i remember how ****** up we both are

well, i'm only human



and i guess you are too.

the worst thing in the world
is waiting
and expecting nothing
and even then
being bitterly disappointed

the worst thing in the world
is having something you care about
taken away from you
with no chance
of getting it back

the worst thing in the world
is knowing
that everything is not hopeless
but bland
and hollow
and that your life will never be even a little bit
interesting

the worst thing in the world
is wanting to be with someone
but being unable to tell them
that you would really like their company
and knowing that they think you don't want them here

the worst thing in the world
is the world
and knowing
that you live here