something isn't adding up
but then it all makes sense
i want to collapse into the moment
using the emotion to ascend
giving it time to develop
and when it reaches that sweet maturity
the syrupy feeling envelopes me
i find temporary refuge from insecurity
coughing up love and other byproducts
trying to decide how it all tastes
rumination and divination
your favorite place in my brain
i miss it too and it's only been hours
scared to want something i could lose
but sometimes the best we'll ever get is that simple
i am wound up and around you

i like it when it's calm like this
even though the silence only makes it easier to hear the things i wish i didn't
i never want it to change

restlessness and a stream of thoughts
that take darker turns along with the clock
tomorrow is coming and it won't stop
it hurts so bad but it won't stop

never met somebody like me
the rawness that you feel
it's not what you're used to
genuity seems so surreal
when you spend your life
inside of a simulation
of intimacy and understanding
to the point of derealization
you dont have conversations like this
actually you never have
validation and comprehension
not walking away feeling bad
like you just laid out all your guts
for absolutely no reason
but this time you put yourself on the block
and aren't walking away weakened
and that's all good for you
i can reach that deep anytime you need
but i'm realizing that while i can take you there
but you can't do that for me

(it's not your fault,
i've been trapped
here for a very long time)

don't depend on me to be better than you
not at this point
i was good to you and i tried my best
and you made your choice

because everything i was wasn't what you wanted
failed attempts to be what you needed
i changed to fit your vision but you couldn't see it through
and now you don't wanna believe it

i was so good to you even when you burned me
even now i'm not mad i'm just hurt
i waited for you to love me
now i just wait to leave this earth

i'm not gonna tell everyone your secrets
or list every wrongdoing for fun
i'll just fall apart until i don't fall apart anymore
and find peace in the fact that we're done

it's all that i can do

melting away sounds nice
away from my brain and the pain
an oil slip between the cracks
a stagnant liquid allowed to drain

i'm so tired i could fall to shreds
and i wouldn't fight it
just granules of earth
ready to be scattered by the wind

it's get harder before it gets easier
i know but i hate to see it become true
i'll keep pushing but i'd rather give up
but i don't want to disappoint you

it's always gonna be something with me
at least that's how it feels
why can't i get over myself
it can't possibly be that hard to heal
first i want loyalty
but that's asking too much
how dare i have expectations
who even gives a ****
then i want patience
and love and support
it's silly to think
i want for even more
i am dying to be consoled
and to look into someone's eyes
and believe them when they say i'm not horrid
rather than expecting it all to be a lie

so the world says ******* to me
for wishing with all my heart
it took a bond i cherished
and shredded it apart

now i'm even needier
i barely even function
every memory stings
it takes an ocean of tears to numb them
the act of betrayal is so severe
i shut down on sight
i need you to be who i thought you were
i need it to be a lie
i need i need i need i need
i need to come to terms
it's all wrong, change it back
but that's just not how it works

i need an explanation
what did i do wrong
tell me what i can fix
show me how to move on
you seem fine
you dont look back
you're happy without me
you never crack
that positivity of yours
is omnipresent
i thought you would miss me
or at least regret it

i need to yell at you
i need to make you understand
how this all boils down
to me questioning who i am
am i a friend
am i the enemy
will i lash out
will i show sympathy
i don't know
i never thought it'd come to this
i trusted you
so i guess it's what i get

i need a sorry
i need to hear the catch in your voice
i need to know you didn't mean it
hear you acknowledge that you made the wrong choice
but i'm afraid i'll disclose
and you won't even blink
what if you never cared
and you never needed me
the way i need you
even in this moment
i'm attached
and everybody knows it

i got my sorry
i felt it in the way you spoke
you never meant to hurt me
you never intended to ghost
but you didn't know what to say
or how to not make it worse
you look back at what you did
and you're disgusted by your words
i know you have learned better
and that gives me peace of mind
but as relieving as this is
something still doesn't feel right

i stay up the whole night
rereading what you said
i cant believe it happened
i'm paralyzed in my bed
laying in a crumple
in a drying puddle of tears
the apology echoes off the walls of my mind
as i go back a couple years
and remember when we  first met
to when i thought you were perfect
then realizing you weren't
****** into the current
of recalling the old us
and comparing them to the new
i have changed tremendously
and i needed to learn you did too

but still when i close my eyes
i feel unstable and ugly
every little thing haunts me
i thought you could trust me
i thought i could trust you
and it's not that i don't now
i just can't shake the feeling
of self-doubt when you're around

i need a sorry
and i got it
forgiven
but not forgotten
in fact i've been haunted
by that stupid conversation
i tried to rush the process of healing
i thought i was being patient
i thought i could just go back to normal
just hug you and say hi in the halls
but i feel so ugly in my skin still
and i hate to admit i think it's your fault
i thought i could trust you
i think one day i might
for now i'm gonna try
but its gonna take some time
and i know it's just a saying
and i'm not trying to burden you with guilt
but i think i'm realizing once the trust is gone
it takes a life time to rebuild

the fear of not being enough for you
is crippling and lonely
i'd share but it'd seem like a bid for attention
and it just isn't like that at all
i watch you be kind
and find love for people
living everyday with this lightness
bringing happiness to everyone
who ever has the fortune of
meeting you
wonderful you
and i see myself
struggling to find patience
a fight to keep the illness contained
knowing i can be better
because i have been better
and i've slowly gotten better
but i'm just not who i want to be
i hope you don't see
how hurt
how tired
how lost
how weak i've come to be
but instead
i hope you know
how much better you have made me
just by showing me
there's so much to be grateful for
and that i wont always be the person
that i am today
one day
i hope i'm more like you
wonderful you