tell myself people make mistakes
that it's okay to have an off day
but i still feel bad

tell myself you wanted to be my friend
that that has to mean something doesn't it
but i still feel bad

keep telling myself i tried to do the right thing
that i wouldn't take advantage of the fact that you like me
but i still feel bad

know you got options
but i want to be your preference
know it's silly to be like this
but i'd feel stupid if i didn't preface
this whole interaction
by saying that i'm fragile
know it feels good to be wanted
and i'm easy to dazzle
i can't force you to commit
just praying i'm not one of many
understand if you're not interested
just gotta be real with me

with the flash of skin
i can hold your eyes
my unveiled face may
mesmerize

i guess it's okay
to be seen
feels like i'm naked
on tv

everyone can
have their say
feel like they
might have their way

is it ungratfeul
to not want it
the attention
often unwanted

don't wanna
come off rude
just don't exist
to satisfy you

there's much more
to enjoy
my appearance is not
as sweet as my voice

and the things
it has to say
might be pleasantly suprised
if you tried to know me that way

do you like me
do you like the attention
or do you like being alone

reached out again
not like i haven't been available
got my socials my address and my phone

i'm easy to shake off
wanted to give you options
but you were the one who told me not to go

said you liked me
liked talking to me
like my thoughts my words me as a whole

told me to keep writing
to keep pestering
that you actually wanted it so

not even left on read
my message not even opened
yet today you were out liking photos

set out the favors
and put out the snacks
ready to blow out the candles
but no one's called back
family is out of town
and my friends are too busy
to come hang for a while
and celebrate with me
wish i could share the fireworks
and cake with someone else
but i guess i'll fire the victory cannons
all by myself

i'm thinking about the nights
that we hid in your car
till one in the morning
not kissing
or *******
we aren't like that
no
we are more
we looked into each other's eyes
and whispered our darkest secrets
and expressing our feelings
with your hand on my cheek
holding me
wiping away my tears
telling me you loved me
and i cooed it back
telling me i was beautiful
even though my mascara had run
and oh
i suddenly believed i was

where did that go?

what i can give you
is determined by what you give me
wanna bare it all
but i dont trust naturally
i could show you things
but first i need to see
why i should trust you
when i don't trust anybody

you are not the victim here
with your alligator tears
you lied and took and stole and stabbed
every piece of me that you could grab
you are no saint, no legend, no man
you're a little boy with too much time on his hands
you wont get my sympathy now that you've done your worst
i hope after this is all done you're feelings are a little hurt
but that's on hoping that you even realize
that in this situation you're the bad guy

reaching for the rope
you insist on trying to hide
without something to grasp
i cannot climb

give me a chance
cut me some slack
stop trying to
hold me back

i wanna go higher
but your actions keep me grounded
you can't stand to see me soar
so you leave me stranded on this mountain

soon enough i'll grow desperate to fly
i'll quit waiting for you to understand
i'll stop being afraid to undermine you
and scale this peak with my bare hands

i want you
i still want you
music doesnt help
writing doesnt help
nothing helps
because at night
i get stuck 
in that place between 
wake and sleep
wanting you
and i don't know who you are
i thought it was feasible
but i know better now
i dont like to think about it now
so much pride 
on both sides
running myself down
to exhaustion
so i just sleep through on night
but days spent painfully awake and aware
day dreaming about you
while living the nightmare that is reality

head on my chest
can't hold my breath
this feels so good
love to the death
planting kisses along my neck
carrying me to bed
we talk until
there are no secrets left

there was so much i wished for
so much i tried to manifest
thought i knew what i wanted
thought i knew what was best
but on the other side of this river
as i watch the wreckage float away
i realize i was never gonna live out that dream
or see a perfect day
not with you
and that's not to be mean
its just the truth
i ignored blatantly
because i wanted it to be you
everything i could imagine
wanted you to color my skies
be the perfect distraction
but fate knew that couldn't be
so she struck the thought down
i was bitter at first
but i'm gratfeul now

just a novelty
to wind up for entertainment
knick knack pat on the back for
one sided conversation
keep that time occupied
keep me late and take up my time
disregard the state of mind
ignore my attempts to identify
motive intention purpose reason
my peace of mind means nothing to you
i'm only here to be a pair of ears
till you find something else to do

what am i being punished for
i couldn't care any more
completely consumed yet still unsure
i'm still sorry about before

i just dont want you to see me
as small weak hurt and broken thing
i want to make you feel all good things
not be the saddest thing you've ever seen

i wanna feel like sunshine after a rainy day
the furthest possible thing from pain
melt every little worry away
i wanna make everything okay

but i'm damaged goods i hate to say
i do more bad than good and i break
down at every obstacle in my way
i'm just so tired of having to push through barricades

and i hate that all of my inner mess
can have negative effects
on you cause you deserve the best
i bet you wish we never met

when he reads this
he's gonna wince
ask if i've ever
felt like this since
he's known me
and i'll tell him no
because i know
that i won't
have

he's gonna hold my hand
like it's make of glass
one day i won't be
afraid to ask
if we could
just take it slow
by then he'll
already know

incapable of not loving you
i know thats impossible
but i can't keep being your friend
that'd be irresponsible
so here's a letter and kiss
don't try to find me once i'm gone
this choice wasn't easy
but staying would've just been wrong
to me, to my dreams
unfair to my heart
i'll cherish our time together
respect my choice to part

i dont know what to do
i'm scared to **** it up
wanna do the right thing
but i never do enough
i'm trying to save myself
from myself
i'm hurting myself
i'm really no help
just pushing my friends away
and smiling through the pain
cry all night and sober up
sleep through every day
hoping it'll get better
knowing it will not
destined to crash
my scars are all i've got
just gotta keep my head up
tough it all out
but i feel my armor slipping
what will i do now

trying to paint me bad
because you can't get me back
miserable because of your decisions

i'm not gonna be one that
let's you disturb the peace of mind i have
avoiding a major collision

forgiving you is just not worth it
loving you was not a burden
but it sure hell wasn't fun

not saying i was perfect
but i saw the lesson here and learned it
when will you be done

stranded in the
smoker's section
scared to ask strangers
for directions
never should have
followed you
down into that hall
or to this room
now i'm lost
and shaking cold
disoriented
as the lights strobe
it started off fun
but now i feel dizzy
the music's warping
the room is spinning
is this some
sort of sick joke
i want you to
take me the **** home
choking on smoke
as i'm swallowed by the crowd
pushed me in with the excuse
"i'm just being no fun now"

said you'd punch whoever hurt me
said tell you the name
but how do i tell you
you're the one who made me feel this way?

said you'd **** who ever called me names
said to just let it out
but how do i tell you
i'm the one who keeps causing myself pain?

said you'd find them and beat them
said you'd defend me till death
but how do i tell you
that i don't trust you enough to respect what i want?

easy does it
nice and steady
before you jump
make sure you're ready

the surface may be calm
but you can't see
the dangers that may
lurk beneath

choose to invest in the wrong people
leave drained and distraught
beside myself with regret
is there a way to turn the pain off

or will i drown in it forever

i wish i'd listened to my gut
but then i'd never talk again
my heart tells me to seek out love
but my brain doesn't believe in friends

they do not work well together

you've finally lost me
got me
off your tail
already forgot me
like chopped meat
now up for sale
say you don't want me
**** me
you've had enough
think you can just dump me
once you're sick of me
tired of my love
i gave you my patience and time
to better your life
now you act like i'm a stranger
behind you in line
to the next person you whine
"i ******* hate her"

you dont know about
his obsession with two and a half men
or how he loves
the color of 4 am
you weren't there when
he broke his big toe
trying to see if he
could do three back flips in a row
you don't know him
the way i do
doubt you could
even if you wanted to
but i know that's he's special
and you see it too
just don't hurt the idiot
also a little birdy says he likes you

the sweet things sting now
kisses make me flinch
everything that made me curl in
now makes me crawl in my skin
the deja vu of being not enough
the pain of losing your love
shivering with thoughts of you leaving me
duly i come undone