i build it up in my mind
so grand and tall and unreal
it rises as i stand on top
thrilling yet scary to feel

and when our time is cut short
and it becomes do or lie
i give you a hug
for the very last time

ousted from my safety
made to walk the plank
so off the tower i go
though i wanted to stay

you'd think i'd be crushed like a bug
but you see it's all in my head
so the time i could feel this way
could just never end

never needed one
so there is no floor
there is no you
not anymore

but if it's all my imagination
why don't i just fly away and forget
i wonder everyday
as i lose my sense of direction spiraling in the pit

hope you had a ****** day
know that's really ****** to say
but if i can't play an active role
and have to make sense of all this pain

then i think it's okay
to hope you have a ****** day
it's been dark a couple months now
and my sunshine through the rain

is hoping you're having an even ******* day
that my absence ruins your means of escape
thinking 'she should be here'
and remembering you pushed me away

that everytime things are looking up
you feel a bit ashamed
it didn't have to be this way
i already had enough on my plate

so yeah it's hateful of me
but what else can i say
i won't do anything to make it happen
but i hope you've been having some ******* days

what happened to naming your first kid after me
and the cow themed kitchen of our dreams
can you explain why any of this is happening
because it never made much sense to me

i want to be mad and i have many reasons to feel jaded
but i know holding grudges serves no purpose
logic writes off every course of frustration
acting out of emotion would be a disservice

but i can't do anything right
except for walk the other way
i do it with a pain in my chest
but i did everything right at the end of the day

and all of your shortcomings
and betrayals and cruelty
one they they'll be nothing
but old ******* news to me
today it hurts
but i gotta breathe and find truth in peace
not dedicate my life and death to punishing you
for being selfish and marooning me

because one day i won't cry for you
and all of the things you wouldn't do
when fidelity fell short
the times i waited for you to never come through
in contrast with the blood that i poured
on the altar built just for you
it'll be in ruins in due time
til then i just have to make do

and i'll make do
till i'm doing well
and you'll make wrong turns
till you've confused yourself
which is none of my concern
not since the day you abjured
at least i've gained perspective
from the wrath that i've endured
and maybe one day you might change
but that's not for sure

and i'm not rewriting history
by letting new information alter my position
it's okay to be wrong
and even better to make informed decisions
praying i'll never learn this lesson again
knowing my part in how this ended
i won't ever walk on water
but my life will be more than chosen affliction
i loved you
but you're not welcome not even when you are forgiven

i'm staring at the door
no one is coming
no one said they would
but i'm burning a hole in the wood with my gaze

sometimes i think about what life would be like
if we hadn't lost you and the life you deserved to live
and while it's not productive to pander
and break my heart over and over
considering all the what ifs

i wish with all my heart that it would've been me
if i could trade my life for you to have a fair chance i would
no doubt and i wouldn't regret it not one bit
but that's fanfare
and impossible to achieve

so instead today i want to think about what you gave me
the lessons i've learned in your absence
because you loved me and i know you'd want me to keep trying
and that doing less than my best would be shameful
and make your suffering null

i live with a purpose
and i love for a reason
and i am grateful even when i'm jaded

i choose to be kind
and remember to give grace
even when i'm over the world and clouded by hatred

and while it's not what i wanted
i'm glad to be on the other side
seeing what i was so blind to before

so its not a waste
and you should rest easy
knowing you gave me something to live for

i still miss you
every ******* day
and i still don't pray
but i repeat your name
everytime i wanna quit
and give up and walk away
know that you did that
it's because of you i'm saved

i didn't know love before you left me
and its a shame
but i have that knowledge know
and i wont stop drilling it into my brain

thank you

it's confusing
how the storm dried up just like that
and the sky inked to black
at the quiet entrance of your memory
my focus pilfering

normally i'm so ragged
pulled in too many directions
but when i remember you
all stands still like it's a crime to breathe
the world goes on without me


i'm not afraid
but i don't understand
and its like you're speaking to me
but its too soft to be true
muffled like conversations in another room



but i pick up and i carry on
never the same but in demand
and if i told anyone it'd be too late
your whispers cloud my soggy brain
but i don't want to be sent away





cause then we couldn't talk anymore
and i don't want to live without you

say it to my face
set the record straight
instead of letting me postulate
but, no, you're just gonna walk away

and let me sit here and debate
if i should choose love or hate
when if you could just mean what you say
there'd be a set of truths on which i could operate

instead you're proud of your cruelty
finding pleasure in the ****** up **** you do to me
closing in on my already shrinking sense of community
knowing just how much it will ***** with me

reveling in the mutiny
disappointment isn't new to me
but man you played the part beautifully
i really had no preception of this outcome truthfully

funnily enough today i was just cursing your name
someone mentioned you and reminded me of the pain
i pushed aside and bury everyday
even now i feel the venom in my veins

i tell the story again through my strain
how you abandoned me and left me to hang
how you have nothing to say to me so you say
how it wasn't supposed to be this way



but then you 'run into' all my 'friends'
and say it's nice to see them
sighing my how long it's been

but i don't to that to you
promptly mailed your stuff back too
you're the one who started acting brand new

and you know what's just peachy
after five months of chances to reach me
two and half to do this **** easily

there was a package on my porch when i got home
it was smashed and ugly and so overdue it is gross

you truly let us go
but you'll never say so

i feel so rotted through
my bones ache
and my eyes are sunken
my stomach touches my back
my arms leaden
my feet broken
my heart slowing
my fingers struggle to output
the resignation of my mind
the desecration of my time
the devastation of my life
it feels like my life is over
and i just keep going
like the last round of hurting wasn't enough
to convince me thoroughly enough
that this world isn't for me
and these people aren't either
but i just keep going
i can't give up now knowing
my problems are someone else's blessing
i'm just tired of the universe testing me
i lost my brother
my sister almost too this saturday
the little family i barely have
not my blood relations
just my only reservations
my few considerations
still i'm well aware
everyone is gonna go
whether they leave me now
or later
whether by choice
or by nature
why is it so wrong
i want to do it on my own terms
youth is no excuse to enable suffering
if in the meantime all i can do
is be punished for trying
it's unsuprising
i'd be so romanticized with dying
i know he's lying
to me
but my god
it's tantalizing
to be sacrificed
intead of sacrificing

what is the implosion of hope of living a good life
when the expectation was that i'd be rotted by now
in an ideal world, next to my brother
under a nice patch of grass and deep in the ground
but he sits in a box on a very high shelf
and my oldest brother takes him down once a year
weeping countrywide like the drunks we are
tears spilling and he finishes his beer

what's left of our brother returned to his birds eye view
August is coming so fast i don't know what to do
but revert to pretending youre still out there somewhere we cannot find
because that's easier to swallow than saying goodbye
for the thousandth time

i'm so alone

if you lost it all tomorrow
i'd have given my comfort to restore the peace that i could
but you've followed another bird
and i wouldn't be suprised if he takes off when you're no good

i cared more than just carnally
and you can run but you'll never be far from me
i seeped into the cracks of your life
with every act of kindness and attempt to do right
my generosity haunts you like blaspheme and regret
and i ought to be owed respect
but you'll never cover that debt
and i hope before you lose you wits
he's willing to match your every chip
or you blew it all for interchangeable feelings
i guess i'll go back to staring at the ceiling

i know you don't like me
and that you think that you're better
and above my existence
and wanna forget we were together
and you think cause i smoke and drink
i'm a *** and a waste
but for all that it is
i ignore all your hate
because i know that you hate me
because of stuff that you did
you miss me don't you
and it makes you wanna *****
i can't absorb all the responsibility
for the issues we have
between us two
i have to have my own back
for once at least
and not let you just trample
over all of my feelings
or make an example
out of me and my willingness to die for you
love twisted and mistaken
i would have taken most anything
to prevent this devastation
but it would have never mattered what i did
or didn't do
i can do my part
but can't rely on you
to do yours
or treat me like a human
i'm **** now
and awful and stupid
at least in your eyes
that's what i've become
i'm flawed but i'm kind
and you're blind and young
just as i had to be to let you in
and how i have to be to let you go
you broke my ******* heart
but i won't let you have my soul

i did it before you
i'll do it without you
you meant something
but now you have to be nothing
i hate it
but its how it has to be
if i ever want to be happy
i know this isn't real
and i'm talking to myself
but now that you're gone
this is what i have to do
to feel just a little okay
and move on little by little each day
one day you will truly
truly be nothing
would you like that?
are you ready for that?

i hope not
(and i hope it stings
is that wrong of me?)

ain't no suprise
if i'm being forced to wait
i'll take my time
i'd rather end up alone than bitter

i took it with my chest
i said what i meant
i put it all out on the table
i'm trying not to regret it
or the times we spent together

  i'm gonna fake it
  till i believe
  keep forgiving until
  i'm finally free
  from the bindings of my mind

   when the chains loosen
   and fall from my hands
   when i can feel better
   even though i don't understand
   to finally appreciate this life

i'm not quite there
and you can say what you want
but you can never say i'm not trying

the needle is in my arm
the dripping is far away
i'm soaking into the chair
overdid it today

i'm closing all the doors
pulling curtains and the house is dimmed
if anybody comes by
do not let them in

i'm dying on the couch
starving myself in more ways than one
maybe if i could swallow my pride
i wouldn't be alone

whatever
i'll change the channel now
i'll circle back to this in half an hour
settled into my sunken spot
and ready to rot and deflower

i'll stew in my sorrows
then rise for the occasion
ready to run away
but bound to my obligations

now that our stories are black and white
and love is an act of defiance rather than a state of grace
i don't see how we ever came together
or find reason in the distance we made
before this became what it is now
all i feel is the gap between
your doubtless simple comprehension
and my drowning senseless indecision
our bounds could never meet

sure came close though
but if i really listened
i would have heard the first cannon fire
but who am i kidding

of course i heard it
but i held my tongue out of guilt
can we really burn bridges we never built?

the only communications i receive are spam and scams
nobody could tell you where i am
i'm lonely but i'm free

spent the day trying to feel something new but failed
i retraced my closing wounds and staled
like the dishes in my sink

every day it's something and every week just flies right through
every month every year every second without you
i'm starting to lose my steam

i used to move mountains and now i don't want to turn over
because my body hurts and somethings digging in my shoulder
and my arm just fell asleep

quite pitiful but i suppose i'm coming to a stop
somehow miraculously found my off
too young to feel this heavy

but my bones are tired and my eyes close themselves
why does dying sound easier than all of this hell
a girl can only dream

its just that
it's all wrong

i don't cry anymore
missing you feels like being kicked in the stomach
every single part of this hurts
even though i guess its what i wanted

i dont regret protecting myself
or trying for as long as i did
i'm looking back now so unsure
and it distorts as i try to re-remember it

i'd like to say it's not the separation
but more about how you just packed up and left me
with not even a conversation or true warning
i still don't believe you'd just forget me

but as each new day passes
and you ignore my existence
i grow more accustomed to loneliness
coming to terms with it
it doesn't mean i don't miss you
even if i wish i didn't

to be just like you
surrounded and indignant
when you finally spoke up
you said you'd never need my forgiveness
i didn't want an apology
i just needed someone to listen

and from what i knew
i thought that could and would be you
but you won't see me anymore

i think i'm gonna be sick
i thought about it
and i realized something new
i've been doing that a lot recently

in the moment you can push on
but in hindsight every aspect can be magnified
individual actions scrupled upon
like never before

disssecting a microcosm of a major failure
who's i don't know
but i am realizing just how broken i am
and how much you never gave me
compared to how much you have to give

i wish i hadn't given it my all
not when you couldn't imagine what that's like
i'm having new realizations
but i keep asking who am i
i didn't have the chances to get so far
as to understand one singular thing about myself

hope you can appreciate all you have
and all you'll never feel

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be honest
held on to us so tight
that when you left me i lost it
and when i fell in the spiral
you watched as i circled away
with the tears and reasons
then plugged up the drain
so i sit in my darkness
alone for the first time since we met
and i oscillate between emotions
anger sadness regret
stuck in a cycle
of wanting to return to what's safe
then remembering that now
it could never be the same
so i sit in the black hole
that was once us
and choke on my tongue
burn it with love
a word i don't think i know
enough to have used it so freely
that's why i'm thrashing around
as the last of it leaves me

and i know it's not the end of the world
but i'm hyperventilating and my vision is cracked
i'm too young to feel so chewed up
yet everything fades to black
almost died for something i never had
and i cry as i spread my brother's ash
i'm not special and i know that
the world is gonna get a whole lot smaller
before it's get bigger and i know that
and i know i've still got so much to learn

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be right
i'm valid in my pain
but it's no reason to fight
cause i'll never be proud
of making do than doing well
and hating you with all my soul
won't make me love myself
in this time of fortitude
i want to do more than cling to my weapons
being brave doesn't mean 'winning'
maybe letting go is the best lesson

congratulations and farewell
oh the stories we both could tell
but that would be in bad taste

goodbye and good riddance
you grew fond of my permissance
and now you recoil seeing my face

whatever happened
may never be clear
if erasure is what you want
for the last 5 years
that's honestly really sad

i can't stop you
but i can grow on
when you're ready
i'll be long gone
and it'll be just too ******* bad

i see the storm clouds rolling in
should probably head back in
but my afternoon has just begun
and i didn't get to see anyone
i'm being stubborn and careless
just to be out on the terrace
soaking up the last of dancing rays
in the last of my suffering days
i really oughta close the window
but i like how it feels when the wind blows
i didn't feel anything for a long long time
and its selfish but who cares if i die
at least i died free
if it were following my wishes
the last you'd see of me

taking the cowards exit
because to hate is easier than to love from afar
and how can i hurt myself like that
when you knowingly broke my heart

i tell myself i'm allowed to change
i think i just say that to feel okay
with everything that has happened
yet i still feel drained

i can live with myself
if i end up being wrong
but what if i can't find a purpose
once you're gone

i tell myself i'm young
and i wont get it right the first time
but i only have so many chances
before i **** up my life

i am just a human being
life goes on despite the season
feelings change without good reason
i love you but we're not meeting
where it really counts

in dreams i'm kissing other people
at parties i get too ****** up so you have to come get me
you can't tell me why you love me
and it makes it hard to sleep
guess i'm a problem now

two years in and i hate to think
that my consciousness is splitting as we speak
there may still be hope but we
don't wanna be the one to uproot the peace

we've found in the monotony and unwantedness
deep down i want to believe you are the one but something's amiss
you don't touch me the way that you used to
and i can tell exactly why i love you

long silence
i dont want to tell you how i feel
i don't think you'd understand
and worse
what if i hurt you

if i hurt myself
will you flinch
we used to be like one
but now you're one of them
what happened
to us

i play with my food
then throw it away
the idea of nurturing myself disgusts me
and you're doing great
it's not the same
when there's no us

and maybe it's wrong
to carry on this way
but i don't feel weightless anymore
and my heart thinks you're to blame
one day i'm angry
and the next i'm depressed
today i've given up
hollow in the chest
sometimes i'm gracious
and i can see the good in it all
but today i'm feeding the negativity
i cannot say it's not your fault

and i hate it
but it's your fault
i shouldn't say it
but IT IS YOUR FAULT

𝘪𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺

comraderie feels so abrasive
honesty invasive
when i know you're only talking to me out of pity

isolation feels the safest
so i hope don't you take this
the wrong way but what do you want with me

because if the interaction was pure
why do i feel cored when it's through
my peace for yours
the tradeoff feels tainted and skewed

kinda wish you hadn't asked
or tried to swat away my storm clouds
be content with what you have
and i'll grieve the way my heart allows

your kindness not taken for granted
but i feel how i feel even if you don't understand it

think me oversensitive or unreasonable if you must
but i need loyalty and genuity and intensity and trust

and what can you give but fodder
why even bother

i think i just lost the purpose of my life
and you think you can just tell me it'll be alright

just cut me even deeper if you'd like
if that's the way it is

everything reminds me of something else
i'm always missing somebody or some time
it's so easy to fill the empty spaces
with your sunken face

it's true when they say time is not your friend
that you got to love them while they're still here
you think you have forever
endless chances to be together

until you get the call or find out through the others
when's the last time you remembered to say i love you
now i'm always afraid to forget what's most important
to the point that my peace has become thwarted

and i don't know where youre buried
and i won't ask any questions to those who might know more
because i'm probably low on the list of those grieving
though my threshold for loss is teeming

i won't stop remembering you
even though it would easier to call it and cut my losses
i couldn't even if i wanted to
how could anyone forget about you