it's been raining inside all week
and i would just go out
if it were that easy
if there was a way to calm myself down

but there is no level of life
that doesn't freak me out right now
if i just keeled over
it wouldn't sound so bad by now

to close my eyes
and cease the days
but people need me
and i'm supposed to fix the things i break

and its ungrateful and ugly
to feel that way
but i'm stretched thin and useless
or it just feels that way

i feel the plastic warping
as it refuses the oxygen to my brain
i feel the sting in my wrists
as a blade dissects my veins

i don't do it
but i still feel it every single day
i think about it constantly
my dreams redirected with pain

the people around me
don't feel the same
pushing kids or god or impossibilities
when we are not the same

and when i leave
i'll be wrong for following myself
but i never really felt like i belonged
with everybody else

its been raining inside all week
and i'd go out if i thought it'd help
but it doesn't and it's worse in a million different ways
what even is mental health

i watch through the peephole
then double check the lock
i know i made you a promise
but i gotta call it off

might just rot on the couch
after everything is gone
and when someone needs something
the house will echo a strangers knock

but thats just wishful thinking
i might just ignore it
but honestly
probably not

is it cruel to still have love in my heart
at the same time as i manifest your downfall
every other night you invade my dreams
and i wake up with ache of having lost it all
i want what might have never been
i wish things were different
i just wanted a friend
and you wanted me to be convenient

guess we both get to leave unsatisfied
though your complaints are far from fair
if i was so annoying why'd you stay
if i was too emotional why'd you let me care
claim all you want but i rest easy knowing
i ran myself empty to be who you needed
and that wasn't smart
i hate to rethink it

but my problems with you
are beyond simple disappointment
you built up the most fragile part of me
and then destroyed it
you lied and you held back
you did what was easiest for you
and its ugly but i hope one day
someone makes you feel this way too

i'll kick my rocks
until i get home
wherever that may be

and maybe down the road
after a lot of time
i'll be able to forgive me

everyone keeps telling me it's sad
and it was

but truly now
it's not even worth bringing up

cause i love you
sure do hate you
and many other things between

but i can't trust you
and i can't save you
from whatever this life might bring

you could have at least closed the door
before you jumped out the window
i'm not so awful and i was too patient
a small part of me still waits out in the cold

am i only meant to be beautiful
did i fracture the illusion by trying
sometimes i feel it, most times i don't
waiting for your judgement feels just like dying

still got that hole in my chest
and limp in my walk
drinking shallow breaths
as i turn into the wall
i rested my head on
as i pictured bashing it in instead
till it became pulp
and the bad thoughts oozed out red
maybe then it might all be okay
but no it's still all wrong
telephone wire nooses
cut down before they get too long
stop calling cause i'm busy
trying to find a **** to give
before i spontaneously combust
before i even truly lived
cause the list is growing
and i'm not even started
cooking cleaning making nice
******* up and having to restart it
and feeling so irredeemable because of it
and incapable and sick to my soul
would call out but i can't
because i'm also ******* broke
would call you but i slept late
cause i spent all night losing my ****
its been so hard to sleep
that i've just started making lists
that never end and don't help
quash the feelings of distraught
the world tells me i'm an okay person
but i still feel like i'm not
almost misshapen or off put
a satisfactory answer for sure
but not the best example
not what she was looking for
so just off kilter
and not quite right
hard to love and
broken of mind

i've paced a circle
in the carpet of my mind tonight
and those ballerina feet left a trail of red
against the yellowing white alright

1 step
  2 step
     3 step
                    4

whatever happens

don't
  open
     that
                    door