sometimes i think about you so hard that my head shakes
back and forth, "no"
disbelief that you're as perfect as i make you out to be
both our minds and hearts connected by strings
each time i tug away, you stand fast
and each time a vibration occurs along one of the strings,
i know you feel it too
i've gotten to know each piece of you, but not each part
the terrifyingly beautiful way your mind works,
but not your seemingly gentle, yet powerful body
see, i've gotten close, but not once close enough
i have this recurring dream of tugging at both of the strings
so forcefully that you'll spin towards me in a matter of seconds
such velocity will cause the strings to tangle with one another
and we will be forced face to face
to face something we've ignored since we found it
but for now, i miss you

i can find salvation in things other than god

if you want someone who's broken, here i am
you never communicate, so i'm left guessing
i'm competing with a screen,
so i'll log off and shut down
how can you not read me?
or maybe you can..
either way, i'm left in silence,
but inside, i'm wailing

thought i'd be fine to try it out,
but instead, i shut myself down
you took it all back and said it was a mistake,
but i know better than that-
nothing fake about it
and now i feel like everyone i never thought i'd relate to;
listening to songs i never thought would be about you
i always thought i'd be okay alone,
but what's worse is the thought of you
not being alone while i am

all i've realized is that life is colder than expected,
as lonely as winter, and even more destructive

it's hard to fall asleep without your touch,
even just one body part- our feet or our butts
everything that used to make me feel safe
leaves me feeling crushed

I've decided that should anyone
years from now
discover my body
I want them to find me blind-
not from grief and sadness that I saw
but from the beauty my eyes beheld.

I want them to find
the disks in my neck worn-
not from lifting my nose at the inferiority of this place
but rather due to the fact that I was constantly gazing up
simply to remind myself that I get to be a piece in it all.

I want my lips to have trembled, smiled, spoken, gaped
my ears to have listened, to have listened, to have heard
my wrinkles to be evidence of laughter, evidence of worrying

my hands to have been held,
to have fought, grasped
and most importantly to have let go.

When they find me
I want my piercings to be evidence of my interest in pain
and the calm that follows.

I want my body to be riddled in love
agape, philias, eros, storge
I want my scars to be testaments to
my fearlessness, my carelessness,
my courageousness, and my curiosity.

Should they find my spirit gone
should they find my body dead
I want them to know
I want them to know I lived.