: i hope to be seen even when i'm not of use to anyone; more than when i am of use to them

we were in cross fire
of words unsaid
words we kept
from one another
words we'd just slept
through the night

we were in cross fire
but we only hurt
for each word unspoken
each chance not taken
we just stopped trying
then we'd both lose sight

because we were in the cross fire
of keeping words within us
we forgot we were allies
who should protect
and save each other
in the end, we'd both
just lose the fight

you were the certain uncertainty my heart needed-- to know that it was living

loving you was the most certain uncertainty it did-- that made it feel alive

whenever i try to sleep past midnight
i always get a call that would keep me up

it's from sadness

asking if i am okay
i'll tell how it went- the rest of my day
and sadness would listen,
sadness would stay

but i usually keep our conversation short
not any more than an hour or past two,
because if it kept going,
and the more time passes by
the more time for regret to arrive
and would want to talk to me too

a cold breeze swept through the empty streets,
stars flickered through the dark pigment of the night;
quiet whispers were heard from the neighboring trees,
the moon stood still and glistened with all its light.


tonight the moon looks rather awfully bright,
as if the weight of its problems is lifted away;
wearing a bright smile after a hard-fought fight,
and another sleepless night, it chose to stay.


with a closer inspection, you would start to see,
behind the moon's bright facade of light;
stars fell from the sky towards the sea,
you'd tell yourself; the moon cried that night.

you know it really does get sad and lonely
waiting for someone without certainty

but at the end of a long day
as long as i know that everything
and anything i do is all for you

i'd let myself be swallowed by the loneliness
because in the end, it will all be worth it

and when everything else turns out fine
you'll grab me by the hand
and pull me right out

i like to believe that i rarely think of you
but my dreams always prove me otherwise

i don't want to love anyone else anymore, but you

underneath the borrowed light of borrowed time
wide awake in a sleeping town
of what used to be a garden of words;

from the silence we made sentences
of the things we promised to never forget

outstretched in the horizon,
an empty sight,
an empty site,
an empty skeleton we once considered our home–

not the ones we grew up in,

but the one we grew up in

filled with all the half-hearted dreams
we screamed silently to the top of our lungs,
so as to not disturb the sleeping sun
so as to not be heard by the eavesdropping wind,

because somehow we always knew-
by the moment the sun wakes up to reclaim its lent light and time
by the moment the wind blows all the secrets it couldn't keep,
from what used to be vibrant yellow petals-
turned to seeds of white and gray,
our dandelion dreams shall be carried away

and so do our forgotten promises

sadness lurks on me in the shadows just like how a predator stalks its prey
waiting for an opportune moment- a momentary lapse of judgement
or the moment ignorance gives bliss, that everything is- and will be alright
but everything is not alright
it never was, it never is, and following that same logic- maybe it never will

because the moment a predator decides to stalk its prey
is the very same moment a gruesome fate has been decided on behalf of the latter-
and just like a helpless little prey,
when the predator comes- all i can do is run

but for how much longer can i run, before the sadness consumes me?

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

how long has it been since we talked?
4? 5? 6 days? i don't know anymore
because any amount of time spent
not talking to you feels like
an eternity of loneliness

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

how long has it been?
since i last got a message from you?
4? 5? 6 da--

beep

wait
i know that sound
could it possibly be?

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

i heard a familiar sound
that makes my heart pound
like how a child receives his first toy
filled with excitement and joy

beep

there it is again
another one perhaps?
should i take a look and see
if it's you, then maybe
maybe it is--

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

no, it wasn't your message
that set my phone off

and so i'm still here

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night
waiting for your message
that would play music
and turn on the light

i keep asking,
when will i ever see you?

perhaps i should ask first if,
you'd like to see me too?

i know every inch and detail of your body
i know every single piece that makes up your soul
i know every thing that makes your heart beat fast or slow
i know every thought that keeps you awake at night
i know every start and every end to any of your stories
i know every joy, sadness, and pain hiding behind your sight


and you just know my name

how do you walk away from something that's been a part of you for so long?

or do you even walk away at all?

i saw you once again today
after all the times i spent away from home

i saw your face once again today
after all the times i stared at it through my phone

i saw your eyes once again today
after all the times i looked at mine alone

i went out to spend time with you today
and it felt like going back home

i used to think that i was good with directions-
but why am i lost and can't find my place in you

You were there for me, when I was alone,
with my thoughts that I can't bear to own.
When no one was there to listen to my words,
but still you gave me uneasiness, how absurd?

But you do know that you were always my biggest enemy,
when we're together others can feel you, more so- me.
Even if I do nothing, you're just as scary
as falling in darkness, falling endlessly.

Though you never left my side, even for a brief moment;
you never gave me air to breathe; i guess you never will.
And even then, I used to ask myself one question,
'Why am I still not used to your possession?'

Your obsession over me, made it harder for you to leave
or was it my obsession over you, that made you stay?
That even though I hated you, I hated the feelings you weave;
you loved hurting me, you loved seeing me break away.

Now that I have lost you, and I have found her
I want to say thank you for the times that you were there,
But now that she is the one, who holds my heart tightly
Doubt, I know you loved me, but it's now her- who I love dearly.

i have this urge to remove my glasses
when i walk around campus
just so that, if ever you were somewhere near
i would not see you
because even just the thought of you
is enough to make me cry,
what more if i saw you there, clear as day?
i think that's when my internal clouds would turn gray
and my eyes would rain their woes away

through the numbing pain -
i still feel you, everyday

tears speak multitudes of words i wish i had the courage to say

or maybe these tears speak a multitude of words i wanted to say, yet i don't want to bother you by constantly telling you that i miss you

do you know how i'm sure i love you?
because i chose you- every single day

even if i am not your choice, anymore

if you would ask me.
what is the meaning
of all the words that,
i have been offering

i would tell you,
they are everything

i write to find meaning
i write to give meaning
i write so i could mean something
at times when i feel like nothing

and the thing is,
i'll keep offering words to you
because you mean so much to me

and that is my meaning,
so, i would never stop writing

i hate that in a crowd of people, i frantically look for your familiar face
no matter how small the probability of that happening is

but i would still love to see it

i got used to never letting myself breathe- i mean, what's the point when everyone around wants to suffocate you?

i long for the day i'd grasp on the idea that not being able to say your name nor think of you, doesn't mean that i've forgotten you- but learned to live with the thought that i haven't