Do you ever like to play at danger in the comfort of your own home?

Make the fear feel real, make sure to try this at home.

The aftertaste of coffee
Is a lot like the taste of regret
I take pleasure in letting the bitterness steep
As I roll it around on my tongue
Careful not to let it escape as sigh
Or a puff of cigarette smoke
I let it saturate my lungs
As I inhale nostalgia
Searing my throat and scarring tissue
Fill my days with cheap alcohol
And nights with missed opportunies
For love or bad ***

But happiness that is a different thing
The first taste of coffee with cream and sugar
The sickly sweet scent of burning tobacco
Filling me with memories of ghosts
The third drink and the first time I met her
Before it all went wrong

It is all part of the experience
The good and the bad
Happiness leads to regret
But that never stopped me before

You are under my skin
Crawling along my veins
You *******
You perfect person
I don’t remember what it was like before
When I was alone and needed no one
No one but myself
I met you and you made me better
But I can’t go back
You’ve made yourself irreplaceable
And that is unforgivable
Because you can’t make a home out of a person
And I will never be home without you
You shouldn’t casually make somebody love you
But you can’t help yourself
It’s part of the charm
You don’t see how good you are
Too good for me
But never good enough for yourself
You call me impossible
But you don’t see how much you are
How totally unbelievable you are
Though you are everything I need
I will never have you

My therapist told me

that I need to just keep living

that I will find surrogate parent figures

that somebody will care about me

accept me unconditionally

and help me when I need help

But it ******* tortures me

that my dad is a ******* ******* narcissist

who gets off on being withholding

and my mom is a strong, independent woman

who refuses to stand up to him

and help her own ******* kids

this is not creative writing, or poetry or prose

this is not some late night rant

this is the ******* demon that follows me

this is the ghost that haunts my dreams

this is my ******* waking nightmare

I was born into a chaotic world

and my family didn’t do anything to stabilize it

so my world is constantly spinning out of control

and when it stops,

I can’t even bring myself to trust

the people who love me

or even the ground beneath my feet

because I feel it in my bones

it’s all gonna be ripped away

pulled out from under me

so there’s no hope for hoping

and I’m always in harm’s way

and maybe my therapist is ******* right

and with time things will get better

but right now I can’t sleep

and I want to ******* scream

and I want somebody to hold me

I don’t want to feel like I have to tread water

Constantly moving because if I collapse

or take a break for even a second

that’s it, I’m finished

I have to hold up the weight of my world

and it’s breaking my back

and breaking my heart

and breaking my spirit

And I have so many good friends

and they care about me

But I can hardly find it in me

to care back sometimes

because it hurts when people leave

And often as not, I do the leaving

preemptively, better to hurt than be hurt

but it’s not ******* better

You can tell me it’s gonna be ******* alright

You can tell me it get’s better

But I am still lying in my bed

I feel like I can’t keep this up

this pace, this nonstop pace

I am out of control

I need to get better

I need to find stability

and acceptance

and a place to rest

I have never felt at home

in 20 years, I have never had a home

Just because I have a roof and a mattress

doesn’t make me at home

I take my ******* pills

every **** night

to keep my emotions

from getting too high

or too low

but all I feel now is angry

and scared

that I will be this way

until the day that I die

Constantly searching

trying to find my way home

but it is nowhere to be found

and I feel the ***** rising in my throat

and the tears on my face

I don’t want to be real

I want to be a ******* sitcom character

or an extra in a movie

or somebody in a novel

I don’t want to have to be multi-faceted

Or complex

I just want a few simple things

And I always thought maslow’s hierachy of needs was *******

but maybe he was right and there are basic needs

that I need met

before I can have high self-esteem

but mostly **** that

I accept myself

the good bits and the bad bits

I love them all

even the messy ****

the mistakes I have made

which is a ******* lot

Can you say that?

I just want to be ok

And I want you to know that

I want to share my experiences

And I want to be able to tell people

how I went from here to somewhere better

and that it happens

I ******* hate open ended ****

this whole ******* experience

of living and being human

and nothing resolves

it is constantly changing and developing

well I guess that’s what you ******* get here too

Everybody I knows grows up hearing that they’re special
Like just being born, earns them some kinda metal
But I’m mental, and now I’m 20 years old flipping burgers
And it’s ******
Only thing round here that’s the special is the sauce
Everyday I show up and get yelled at by my boss
Because I was two minutes late
or my uniform was misplaced
or he just likes getting red in the face
And I took the bus here
Homeless dude next to me vomits
Now I gotta clean myself off
What goes around comes around
Like a comet

Yeah, I wish that I knew it when I was younger
I’m not special, not gonna cure world hunger
Stop war, world peace, I’m no boy wonder
Got nothing special to say
Just a place to stay and bills to pay
Nothing left to do today
Can’t afford a better way
Because I’m underpaid
Minimum wage needs a ******* upgrade

I’m a comfort ******
And I can’t get enough
I go to extreme lengths
to stay in my bed
the screens light my eyes
but nothing’s there
the food fills me
and I feel alright
numb myself
shooting up
10 episodes
and a bag of candy
nothing feels better
than feeling nothing at all
under my comforter
******* as much as I like
because I’m already ******* myself
no life’s worth living
all pleasure, no pain
sweet dreams
and endless days
blurred into the next
escapism and nothing can hold me
so **** the world
my mattress is an island
and comfort is my drug