It is thoughts and expectations
which bring us pain

In life, we return
to that which hurts us

Whatever makes us sad
we will not forget

I can’t stop thinking
I can’t stop over thinking

Regrets are moments that
remind us how we got to be where we are

I cannot forget the faces
of the people who I’ve hurt

And if I am sad,
what are they feeling right now?

Do they think about me
like I think about them?

Do they spend their nights
returning to suffering?

Do you relive the worst fears
and memories you have like I do?

Or do we suffer because
we cannot return to the good parts?

There were good parts,
but those I am quicker to forget.

I wish I was stupid
That I didn’t notice all the pain around me
That I was not a keen observer and deep feeler
I wish that I had a low IQ like broccoli
Laying in the hospital bed, a vegetable
My parents deciding when to pull the plug, “At least he will go to heaven.” They might say

I wish I had the stomach to point to a star in the sky or pick up a grain of sand from the shore and believe that the one in infinity chance was good enough. “I am right. This will save us. It is the best star, the best grain of sand. Truer than all the others. I believe. Improbability be ******.”

I wish things were simple
That I did not feel special, or exempt from the rules of reality
And that I could sleep without nightmares and live without retreating to daydreams.

I wish I was not a cynic
And a pessimist
That I could still hold onto hope
And find beauty even in the harshness and pain

I wish that my faith could be stronger
My belief could be surer
I wish I could not feel the way I do
That I could know love
And find happiness
And accept myself how I am

I wish things would resolve
But like this poem…

We’re all just flesh and blood and bone and soul
People don’t belong
In boxes till they’re dead
No labels, no promises and no regrets
Grey areas of utter ambiguity that need no defining or clarifying
Just be and let be
We are flesh and blood and bone and soul
When we fall apart, we put ourselves back together
What can a body do alone?
Never was so good at mourning, so we practised forgetting together
First forget the world
Then forget the way things were
I went to the beach at night and the sand was cold and the air was all salt and seaweed
I walked along the shore, barefoot beneath the stars
Thinking about how things change
The cool, rising tide lapping at my feet
Subtle shifts, breaths and glances
Moments and words exchanged
And then nothing is the same
We are just flesh and blood and bone and soul
It’s all we can ever be
All the rest is make believe, the rules that we are taught to follow
Can you remember the Truth we talked about?
I wish I had words to say that could help to ease the pain
But I can’t save anybody and I can’t fix you
And the only thing worth noting is that souls may live on like memories
That flesh and blood and bone may be gone but nobody has to forget

The bitter taste of loneliness
And a thirst that’s never quenched
Even when I drink up the sun and moon and stars

I am the captain of my ship
I sleep alone amongst the child of a hundred trees
My vessels groans at sea

And the stormy water seeks to drown
But the rain is lovely
And the salt spray will not take me

I seek to find a place where I am safe and sound
But I am adrift for now
Mutinous and cosmic life

The sun and moon and stars stare down
They keep me company
And assure me that I am not alone

Nostalgia tastes bitter in the back of my throat
The memories mingle on the tip of my tongue
Let the old poisons seep out of my pores
The endless catharsis of reminiscing

I choke up a little remembering when
The tears well up in the corners of my eyes
I am cold and hot and a bundle of nerves
I can feel the forgotten feelings

It crawls under my skin and wriggles
I can sense the floodgates opening
The night awakens antique ghosts
I dream a dream of ancient history

Goodbye to the blackest moonlit sky
Goodbye to the pen and white paper
Goodbye to nostalgia bitter and grey
Goodbye to insomnia as sleep takes me

Alone the mirror,
Cracked and ugly
Stares blankly at nothing
Waiting for a face to draw upon
For images protruding
From behind my glassy eyes
Reddened without sleep
Speak softly to the morning me
And tell of unwanted future’s plan
I recklessly endanger hope
For self-satisfying ambitionless wishes
Defying optometry, optimistically,
I see beyond the pleasant and mundane

My mouth tastes sick and sour
Like fear and *****
The nausea comes and goes in waves
I am afraid the night will pass,
But no relief will come
I am the seashore,
Worn down by endless misery
And I would sooner be a desert:
Dry and empty
Than filled with such pain and sorrow
Not for one minute more