outside the hospital, I sit lonely in my car
wondering if any of the words you said meant anything
or if they were just knives and scalpels for you to use to cut me open and see further into my damaged body?
was any of it ever real?
or were you so obsessed with blood,
it didn't matter how bad the wounds were?

I hear the rain hit the street
I hear my fear cutting deep
Broken, slightly
My heart will forever have this hole
Gaping of insecurities

He looks into my eyes
Broken emerald, slightly yellow
His look shatters my soul
Dark are his eyes
His glare is bold

He grabs my hand
Bitten nail beds, slightly sweaty palms
I feel myself tremble
The self hatred I embody thickens
The sweat on my hands glistens

I want so much love
I need affection
Broken hearts are my specialty, slightly offended
He touches my hair
I tremble

I hear the rain falling on the patio
I feel my heart beating in an uneven ratio
Beats skip slightly when he says my name
Across the passenger's seat
I see him fix his hair
Take a drag from a cigarette

I want to be the cigarette
Burning more than slightly in his fingers
I want to be the one on his lips
He pulls me in
Breathes me in
Exhales

The rain hits the patio
The insecurities swallow me whole
Take me in deeper
Deeper than he
Further inside me than he'll ever be

I always see people post things on social media with their significant others, and they're so in love. I want to be in love. I want to be so deeply obsessed and coexist with someone. I want someone to tell me the little things they love about me, and I want to be compared to the light that softly shines through the blinds in the morning. I want to be told that everything about me is magnificent. I want to wake up everyday next to a human that values me as much as I value them. I want to hold someone's hand and fall asleep watching cartoons with them. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted, and I want it to be real. I don't want a cookie cutter, false relationship. I want to be woken up at 3 in the morning because they want to tell me about a dream they had. I want to go out and buy groceries with someone at 9 am in our pajamas before we really start our day. I want someone who will offer me a drag of their cigarette and someone who will never hesitate to make sure I'm comfortable with everything before they take action. I want to be in love. I want it to be real.

He kisses his boyfriend on the street
While another couple decides what to eat
A father of two enraged by the love
decides to take their lives
his gun fits like a glove
50 dead because they were gay
More than 50 injured in the same way
Because a man was offended
he thinks it's okay
thinks it's okay to fire away
To take the breath from beating hearts
to make people feel like they must not be a valuable work of art
How could someone commit a hate crime so cruel
to ****** people he considered "unusual"
The mother of a victim was not ready to rent a hearse
His brother curses and thinks he's the worst
How could someone be so monstrous?
Making every LGBTQ+ member feel cautious
Cautious of losing their life in the street
Making them fear going out to eat
Going to shows, to movies, even the grocery store
This is not life.
This is like war.

Into a depression I fall with glee
Wondering if happiness only needs a key

Low in the dirt
You find me mourning
The loss of my soul
Gone with no warning
Deep inside the grass
I weep
Wondering if anyone listens
To me as I speak
The voice of a rodent so small
I wonder if I'm even seen at all
I'm a tree with no leaves
A sky with no clouds
I'm alone in the dirt
Low in the groud