i don't really know
if i ever mattered
or if i ever will

god forbid i wonder if i *do

whenever i try to forget you
it feels like a mouse is gently
gnawing off my limbs.

this brain feels useless
without you in it.

wanting you is like
wanting a celebrity
but there are only 200 kids in this school
more boys than girls
so how is it that i've faded
into your fan base so easily

am i really that
unremarkable

i've told the story of
how you broke my heart
so many times
that there is no heartache
left only for me;
i'm empty.

you kissed my skinned knees
to "make it better"
(a kiss for each bruise)
i wonder what it'd feel like to really
be kissed by you.

i have a good cry
over the lives
i did not get to live

i didn't fall for you
my feet never left
the ground
and that's what
scares me most
about this love

i swear to god,
you love girls
to hurt them.

i bore my eyes into my screen and wait for it to burn out my eye sockets so i can’t see its faults. burning dots when you close your eyes. i want my brain to catch flame. i want my heart reduced to a foot pedal. start and stop and start and stop. i want to wither away until i am nothing but what is necessary; until i cannot cry over cracked glass, excess flesh, the holes in my life that will never be filled (because i can’t turn back time any easier than i can stop biting my nails.) i want to be a wind-up doll with nothing between the ears, nothing behind the eyes, nothing in my rib cage. i want to walk until i can’t feel my legs and keep walking.

"my greatest fear is having everyone i've ever loved in a room."

"they all love you, what's scary about that?"

"i said everyone i've ever loved; i never said anything about them loving me."

every time i listen to the radio
i think
this could have been our song
our song
our song

i swear i haven't been able to
listen to a love song
without thinking of you
since.

as the fourth in my father’s string of children, i had to be everything. i was simultaneously the oldest, youngest, and middle child. not to mention, as the six of us were spread across three wives, the only child to my mother. i was a little of everything and a lot of nothing.

i've been thinking of going to sleep
for hours now
but every time i do
i'm reminded of you

i should be sleeping but i'd rather
think circles around three months
that you called
a waste of your time.

you lied at some point
i just don't know
when.

i'm sick of being miserable
i just wanna exist for awhile.

i hated voicemail
until i met you
now i'd be lying if i said
your stale voicemails
didn't save my life
today.

i guess my philosophy is that
movie times were scheduled for
double features
and we were given opposable thumbs
so we'd have five fingers

i roll
my hope
into a joint
and light
up.

why do all my ghosts
of boyfriends' past
insist on talking
crushes
with me

i don't want to imagine either of us
with anyone but
each other

what am i supposed to do when
walking through life feels like
walking through a museum of
empty rooms

in the city
they're so afraid of people ending their lives
they child lock all the windows

or maybe they just
don't want to clean up the mess.

i told them i want to
be somebody
and they asked why
i couldn't just be me
can't you see?
being myself
just isn't
enough
i need to be Somebody
capital
s

i miss you . . .
like, i miss talking to you
is that weird . . .?
i'm sorry.

let’s be adults about this. let’s slam the dishes as we do them. let’s scrape what’s left on everyone’s plates into the garbage disposal; i’ll flip the switch when your sleeve gets caught. let’s put away the kitchen knives, chop chop chop, and see who finishes with the most fingers left. let’s put the nubs in tupperware and put some aside for susan, just let me spit in the container first — or would you rather *** in it? she’d probably prefer it. let’s answer the phone when she calls, answer your phone, answer it. answer and i’ll put your head in the microwave and turn it on high, i’ll blow the house up, i’ll

keep your voice down
the children are outside
quietly dividing up their toys.

it doesn't take much for the people here
to part like the red sea
or collapse like paper dolls.

he'll never be you.

have you ever told a lie so many times
you start to believe
it?
i'm trying to unlearn my own *******
but the stories i've told
feel truer than the truth

how do i tell you
ive been recovering from/preparing for
monday
for whole days
and im still not ready.

when you asked me why i never wrote
i told you i forgot
but if you'd looked beneath my bed
you would have known the truth

i wrote you
i wrote you a hundred times
and another hundred
in my dreams.

i drew a picture of you and
branded my name
on your ***

we're playing checkers
but you know
which game
i mean.

"oh, he's horribly depressed,"
she said with a smile.

all i can say is
i'd really like to know
what it feels like
to wear your shirt
to sleep.

i wasted a ******* long time
trying to make
the good ones stay.

true pain is the kind
that is u n f i x a b l e
the kind that doesn't
come with an instruction
manual and a simple
way to make up for it
pain that never goes away
because it never can
true suffering is found
in this pain
and true strength is found
in living through it
or, rather,
learning to live
despite it.

my brother born blue
you'll never know exhaustion
but you still sleep-in

i can only love in hindsight
myself,
my body,
the boys who get the two confused.

i already regret
letting him go
because i already feel
alone and now
i get why
i'm only
lovely
when you're
lonely.

your name is burnt into my throat
your name is burnt into my throat
your name is burnt into my throat
it hurts too much
to speak.

maybe i'll come
see you
i could use
a ****

how do you ask someone
to ask you
to stay?