You would be standing here
Laying here beside me
Making sure I have enough blanket
Making sure the windows are cracked
If you loved me
You would be butterfly kissing my nose
Holding me in your muscular arms
Praying my illnesses would go away
If you loved me
You wouldn't have left

You can't walk on me
Ever again in this world
And you stand there dumbfounded
Wondering what the hell it is I'm doing
You can't infer by my ****
All packed up on the sidewalk
And the tears staining my already ***** face
Because you don't care
I could have really loved you
But you never cared
Until you realized
Just now that
I am done being hurt
By you

Today I went walking
To go buy some treats
And on the way there
Down these familiar streets
Something in me shifted
Something had changed
Maybe that  something was
Simply nothing but me
I grew up here in this small town
Just for two short years
But to me you are home
And I cannot let go
But something in me was
No longer the same
At first I thought nothing of it
As I walked to the small store
For soda and candy
And ice cream galore
Bit on my way out
This nagging consumed me
I pushed it down
Into the depths of my mind
For a moment
I didn't want to think about
The growth and the change
Because I wanted everything to be the same
I don't want to leave behind childhood bliss
When my biggest problem was
Remembering who's weekend it is
I miss the simplicity of having no fear
But I know that that girl
Has long since disappeared
I was able to fight off all of these thoughts
Until I had almost reached my old front walk
I saw a woman walking away
From the cul-de-sac I'd been through
So many times
However
I didn't think I was seeing someone else
Because I got lost
In watching myself
I saw a child walking toward me
Not that woman in a sweatshirt
I saw the sheepgrass grown too high
And an adult version of me
Walking my way
Like some sort of warning
And I heard a voice
Like a scene in a movie
Telling me to move on
And release all my agony
She sounded just like me
At seven, fifteen, and twenty
Telling me nothing was wrong
Unless I let it be
As I write these words
Recounting my evening stroll
I realize I am never alone
I am the only thing in my way
Nothing is concrete
And sometimes things change
But I control me
And I think I'll enjoy it this way

I can no longer distinguish
The blurred line between
Realism and pessimism
Because I've grown to be an
Idealistic pessimist with twinges of
Realistic thought

I'm a primary document to all the **** I have said
You are obviously not a historian
For you favor your secondary documents
To the main source

Didn't your mama teach you
To not be a *****-addicted *****
Who needs to drown yourself in the
Lies society tells you

I don't know if your daddy ever told you
But you don't lie to women like me
You really shouldn't **** with people like me
Because I don't know if you know this but

I'm the kind of ***** who run
In a wedding dress and stripper heels
Because hunny, you **** me off

Should I write your eulogy?

You cannot haunt me anymore
You threw me away
I ran back
You threw me away
I ran back
You threw me away
I ran back
You threw me away
You ran back
I threw you away
I told myself I was done with you
That I didn't need that abuse
That I didn't need you
But then I thought I did
So I ran back
Oh **** was she ******
And I was ****** at me too
After all I went to someone
Who has done nothing but hurt me
Searching for solace
Then I threw you away
I deleted you altogether
But there's still times when I hear that
******* song
And I can't help but cry
There are times when I see a car
That looks just like yours
And I can't help but wonder
This isn't a love poem by any means
You're the one thing I hate
But you're a ghost of my past
I thought I had dropped
Yet find myself still hanging on
Why the **** won't you leave
Me alone
You don't care
And I don't want you
So if your God is real
May He grant me some solace
And rid you from my mind
Because for the last time in forever
Will the ghost of you
And your false declarations of love
Haunt my ****** up as it is
Soul

Hopefully

I didn't know it was possible
To be scared of a class
To not feel safe simply because
Your every opinion is
Torn apart
Either you are too smart
Or too dumb
No happy medium

I know it's your favorite scent
Sometimes, especially lately, it's hard not to think about you
I want to reach out but I don't know how
And I'm scared you'll just push me away because I've chosen him
But people really do change as they grow up
I want to tell you all about my days all the time
Like two days ago when my brakes stopped working
As I was going downhill in the harbor
Oh I was so scared and I wanted to tell you
Or when I had my magical day at Rainier
But I know you'd be disappointed
I want to tell you the small things to
Like how I burnt the bacon and undercooked my pasta tonight
Or how I can't decide if I love pink or orange more
Or even how much I love that new CD
And crave hot cocoa all the time
I just miss your company but can't figure out how to tell you
And I wish I could be your dryer lint and cigarette ash again

Promises are not
Like pie crusts
They are not
In any way
Meant to be
Broken

Promises are however,
Words to be
Taken with all
Seriousness

They are not
Something one should
Take so lightly
Like you do
Remember to not
Be a total
****

I am a library book
Dog eared and worn
Quite a few pages spilled on
Torn
I sit in the bottom of a book bag
Overdue
Waiting for you to remember
You haven't yet returned me
The fines are a mile long
You started to read
But the blurb was misleading
You forgot that you ever checked me out
And so much damage has been done
What with you tossing in other books
Spilling chips
Folding my pages
Leaking ink
Darlin' you deserve to have
Your library card revoked

Welcome to my humble abode
Where dreams are dreamed
And lies are told
Welcome into the deepest parts
Where secrets are kept
And scars are dark
There's no excuse
For the misconduct here
But you're the one who entered
If you don't think
Pain exists near
You're dumber than I thought
Because I've welcomed you
Into my mind
Get ready for a hellish ride
With plenty of ups
In some different areas
But lots of downs
With lots of thinking
Please respect the location
And pick up after yourself
I don't need another mess
To clean

I can be miserably happy,
Messily organized,
And frantically calm
Just so you'll think I'm better than I am

There's certainly an uncertain beauty
To that woman made of glued together pieces
It's encouraging and heartbreaking
To see her strengthen while tears are streaming
Easily one can feel uneasy while witnessing,
To hear her soul becoming
There's certainly an uncertain beauty
To that woman made of glued together pieces

There's a fearless trepidation
Filling that man on the corner
An insignificant sign of significance
Pours from his eyes, flooding the streets with meaning
Perfectly imperfect is his brokenness
Which lays on the external inside
There's a fearless trepidation
Filling that man on the corner

There's a balanced imbalance living
Within a girl constructed of tears
There's late sleepless early nights
Where the broken try to fight
It's optimistically pessimistic where
Her mindset as been placed
There's a balanced imbalance living
Within a girl constructed of tears

The tick tick ticking of the wall clock
Casts its spell on me
And I start to tumble
Down
  Down
     D
       o
        w
          n
Into my thoughts so deep
I begin to explore the stones unturned
In my mind and I try to sleep
But the burning curiosity of it all
Lulls me in a rocking rhythm
As I venture into thoughts unspoken
Thoughts unheard
Those thoughts were locked away for a reason
I stumble blindly about my own house
Trying to find escape
But instead only see what my madness creates
A false hope
And a broken girl
Strewn about the floor
On occasion entrails dragged across the mantel
When I finally find the couch so near
I sit and cry my fat stained tears
And rock and rock and rock
In hopes it will go away
I don't want to know myself so deeply
Because if I do
How could I possibly think someone will save me
Back and forth and back and forth
Faster and harder I try
Which only pulls me
D
e
  e
   p
    e
     r
Into myself
Until I am completely inside out
Full of fear
Drunk on my one hundred percent
No sanity back guarantee
Mad

I breathe in hatred
I bleed out love
Welcome home

Love

I might love you

And don't return
At least not until
I truly love myself undeniably
I keep wanting to email you
But I promised myself
I wouldn't cave

I've gone off to find myself
I don't know how long I'll be gone
I need a little space
For my head feels like it's burning

When I return
I hope you will have found yourself
And we can talk of our adventures
That the world threw our way

I'm off to rediscover
A portion of my heart
That I forget how to share
And keep it for myself as well

But when I return
Please welcome me with open arms
Because for you I never
Closed my heart

I am still uncontrollably in love with him
Even though I promised no more pining
But this isn't pining
Because I don't want to be with him
I just can't stand the thought of
Some other girl
With perfect curves
And beautiful alive hair
With a glow around her
Touch him
Kissing him
Dragging her perfectly manicured hand up and down his chest
As he begins to look feral
And tear off her clothes
STOP
I can' stand the thought of them
Watching a movie together
Playing with our puppies
And wearing my ******* shirt
Holding hands and exchanging butterfly kisses
STOP
I have anxiety just thinking about this
And I know it's not fair
After all, he isn't mine to worry about
I'm just being crazy
And, oh ****, I'm hyperventilating
I can't breathe because this knotted hole
Keeps getting tighter and tighter
I'm going to pass out
But not before I cry
But he's allowed to see other girls now
So why do I want him
STOP
I don't want him for myself
Because I will not pine
I just don't want him with someone that isn't
Me
*****
****
****

Italian shores sparkling like champagne
New York streets bustling, humming my name
Sedona palms and eternal light
Lou'siana grandeur, twinkling nights

These hands have held many things
Wiped away many tears
Dusted many books
Pushed away many people
These hand have destroyed many opportunities
Created many scars
Drawn many lines
Painted many masterpieces
These hand have been frail many times
Sliced many foods
Written many words
Changed a few lives
These hands have fortified my being
Strengthened my muscles
Danced across many keys
Tried to clean up broken glass
These hands are tired and tried
Broken down
Beat up
And strong
These are the hands that have help
Shape me

That I am my own person
So you must *******
And allow me to breathe

Free samples don't live here anymore
Can't you see the walls are boarded up
Did you miss the no trespass sign
Well, I don't care
This bar is closed
I don't sell to you anymore
You can take your life somewhere else
But I thought you could read
You can't tell me you miss me
Because I'm telling you, I'm glad you said goodbye
So leave and don't come back
I'm not a revolving door for you to use
As a way to empower yourself
Even if I were
I'm out of order

If I had known beforehand
That falling in love
And ending up heartbroken
Were synonymous
I wouldn't have taken the jump

It's almost 3 am
I'm not the least bit tired
I was a sloppy ball of depression
When 10 pm rolled in
We've been corresponding since
It's weird
And before you think anything otherwise
Strictly platonic
But **** if I don't feel better
From five hourrs of talk

Dear Karma,
Thanks for being on my side
Dear Universe,
Thanks for remembering your laws
Dear Friends,
Thanks for being wrong
Dear Lies,
Thanks for harboring false hope
Dear Truths,
Thanks for carrying me back to shore
Dear Anxiety,
It'll be okay soon enough
Dear John,
Thanks for leading me on
Dear John,
Thanks for proving me right
Dear Charlotte,
Please treat him right

Big stain of ink at
The end of your sentence
.

Here,
Have my hand to hold
I will help you up
When you fall to pieces
I will celebrate with you
When you feel great joy
I will hold you
When you cry
I will battle each of your fights
Life is a roller coaster
And I am here for you
No matter what
Because if I weren't
Could you call me friend?

It is something that is absolutely
Breathtaking
You can't help but to love it
It's like
A first love
Or a baby's laughter
Or an old couple
Or an awe inspiring scene
It's so wonderful
So pure
And all you can think when you
Encounter it is
*I want something just like that

Nobody ever expects it coming
Yet it is so common

Does not indicate flirting
And desire to kiss
Or even touch romantically

So what are we?

But best of all
We grow

A genuine smile coupled with
     light-hearted teasing
Is equivalent to a nervous smile
     combined with instinctive defense
We gamble by adding a toothy grin
     which in return receives blushing
One "good morning" is worth
     a smile and groggy "how are you?"
One "awe ******" may receive
     up to two "how many steps?"
A cat-like sneeze equals a "bless you"
     but a cough is worth "are you alright?!"
So, I wonder...
     how much is a ten digit phone number worth?