i was never very confident
but when i lost you
i was confident that i lost it all

i've been living in your old room
the AC never kicked in quite right
but i still feel breezes of air caress my body right into my core
and i like to think they're you
and not the cracked window a few feet away from me
letting in the taunts of the world that lost its colors once you were lowered within it

sometimes i wish i was down in the living room
so you could come back to your old room
instead of the children's hospital
even though you were 18
the dry atmosphere caused the worst of nosebleeds
but that was just minor to the pain you were going through

you came home
but you were in the living room
i was still wishing you could come back to your old room
i would happily fold all my t-shirts and pack them in a suitcase
just for storage
because i could never leave you for more than an hour

i was unfamiliar with the word "hospice"
until you were taken under their care
i know our humidifier has been broken for some time now
but they rolled that clanky bed in
and the oxygen that the whole family breathed
just got dryer
because of your new mattress and matching sheets
similar to the one that you've slept in while the chemotherapy was entering through
making you brittle, bare and pale

on an early summer morning i witnessed the biggest irony in my life
you died in the living room
and i started to hate myself more as i watched your chest pump its last breath that you would ever take
i started to hate myself because maybe if you were in the old room i fall asleep in every night
it would somehow make you live a little bit longer
like that makes any ******* sense

..
i should've seen it coming
i should've seen it coming because a few nights before you were trying your best to play the sly cooper collection on the PS3
because it was your favorite series and you passed out because of all the morphine in your body dulling the pain
but i thought video games would ease that pain better because of the nostalgic value
so i just hoped you were reminiscing of the ability to actually hold a controller properly
even if the drugs took up 80% of your personality
basically i should've seen it coming because games were your passion
and it was let go so effortlessly

it'll be 3 years in august
and i swear despite what i just wrote it's getting easier
and on your death date
we travel
because god knows remaining in the house that day would not be healthy for a broken family like us

sometimes i pick out postcards so i can put them on your grave so you can see where i've been
so i trust you send me a pretty tourist postcard just so i know what heaven looks like

i'm really good at similes
comparing myself to things that are not me gives me a sense of good ego
and makes me feel like i'm not in my own skin
but i hate being similar to something
because all we wanna be is different, a bit out of the typical box
but somehow if we're compared to normal at least we have the mind state,
at least no one will exclude us

i've been abandoned
but what gives me comfort in the outcast
is english language slabbed on my paper and a slice of outkast at 12 am
we've all been taught in grade school that original is the way to go
the path of happiness
but consequences often go unmentioned and unnoticed

i've been normal, or at least compared
been a simile my whole life
"you're a lot like your brother you know"
i'd rather be excluded than have set up expectations from a man 6 feet under

i don't know where i'm going with this
a part of me wants to be excluded from the box
a part of me wants to have normality to lean on
a part of me loves being compared
i'll always been a good at similes
i'm the human embodiment of figure of speech
except i don't even want to talk
just keep on tak tak taking on this keyboard
hoping to find something similar
to self realization, self reflection
i only want the similarities to good feelings
because **** is all i've felt
i guess being almost there is better than never there
i'm a lot like myself
i'm undecided

there's a place
i wanna be
and it's not the places
i'd usually want to be
not my grandmother's
not lake michigan
not your arms
just to name a few

don't get me wrong
i still love all those places
i'd split myself in hundreds
if it meant i could be there
even if it was just a strand of hair

but the place i wanna be
isn't from point a to point b
there's no clear destination
from the paradise i choose to be
as long as it's away
from the person i'm becoming to be

the productivity of this environment is inevitable
and i'm just a constant reminder that death is coming

so this is that moment
you've dreamed of
worry free
happily serene
even if only temporary

so this is that moment
you've lied to achieve
dead hysteria
luckily tranquil
even if only temporary

this moment is
so complex
but the feeling is
so simple
it's so easy to
lie
to discard old feelings
it's so easy to
dream
when you're always tired
and sometimes
it's hard to wake up
when it doesn't seem
temporary

I was never too fond of promises
It's not that I was afraid of commitment
I was just afraid of someone pouring their time and energy
Into a person like me
A reliable person, trustworthy too

But circumstances change
Obstacles appear
**** happens
But within the time and energy I spent getting to know you
Falling in love with you
Circumstances changed
Obstacles changed
**** happened
And while I pull my blinds down
Covering the vivid sunset awning my homely suburbs
I cover my head with comforters, but I'm forever finding comfort in you
I'm glad we met half way, putting the equal amount of effort and compassion
Being the reliable, trusting people that we are

I fall asleep thinking
I have no problem trusting the whole world to you even if we're worlds away

I was born on December 3rd, 1996
My girlfriends say that makes me a sagittarius
I have no idea what that means but,
they say that one of my "traits" is that I'm stubborn
and I will tell you right now that it's not true//
I'm 5'4", think I have been since 6th grade
I weigh 134 lbs//
I failed swimming classes at my local recreation center when I was 6
Something about not being able to swim backwards
I've been struggling in the art of keeping composure when a stressful situation comes//
Maybe my limbic system is acting up//
But I can't hate my brain because the right side is my best side and my best side likes to paint dreams with constant tears on a canvas called pillow//
Some people say that modern art is ugly, shallow and pointless//
And I would have to agree because these feelings that occur are so ugly and come from the shallow side of me which is my worst side and my worst side likes to write pointless, depressing stories//
And I start to read them, and reread them
Like my favorite series//
Soon I believe that these stories are actually true
and that the piece of modern art God supposedly created himself, titled "Me"
Is ugly, shallow and pointless