I feel something slice my cheek
It sends shivers through my bones
My blood is boiling
But the hurt keeps hell frozen over
How does something drift
But somehow permanently stay
I try to reach out
But my tongue is tied with decisions
I did reach out
But you blanketed the truth with promises of the future
The blanket that covers me
Thawed my own frozen hell
How long until my pores burst
How long until my bones crack
How long until my cheeks tear
How long until you see these promises of the future are barely keeping me here
I need more reassurance

You linger beneath my skin in this familiar town.
The wind creeps on body and leaves a trace of chills that travel to the bottoms of my feet.
The cold travels, but I'm left stuck to the pavement and trapped in thought.
Maybe if I remain motionless I won't get bruised by tripping over my own feet, my own words.
But you'll catch up to me.
Fear pushes my stiff feet forward and I trip with every step.
I'm better away from you.
I'd rather be stumbling forward, slowly learning how to walk.
Than to be held back and remain unaware under the mercy of you.

I wear mittens when I'm with you
So I never get the urge to hold your hand again
You took my fragile fingers
And bent them in different directions
You bent them in the ways I should've went
Instead of clinging on to some sort of hope that the December in your smile would turn warm

I'll be keeping myself cozy for the winter

He was a new teenager
Went to the middle school down the road
From our decaying house that was below a great oak tree
Early red sky morning, riding his bike to that construction filled Hell
There wasn't a sailor in sight to give him a needed warning of that reckless car
He was hit, ****** and bruised but he was alright
I was only 6 when I saw him get patched up by mother in our bathroom
I was only 6 when I realized who I wanted to be
But my first realization wasn't my last
That new teenager became an adult 5 years later
Went to the community college down the road
From his grandfather's rustic house that was just like everyone else's
9 a.m., blue sky morning, riding his bike because his nearly blind eye kept him off the road
9 a.m., I wish he had sight in that eye, he would've had a warning of that reckless car
He was hit, ****** and bruised but he was alright
I was only 12 when I saw him take cat scans and MRI's
I was only 12 when he was diagnosed with something I only read in medical articles
I was only 12 when I realized who I wanted to be
Joseph Yodsnukis was his name, but we called him J.J. since I was born
I learned the alphabet at my elementary and I said J twice because of that name
I learned after 8th grade that cancer was ruthless
I was only 14 when I held my mother crying
I was only 14 when I saw a hospice bed roll out of my front door
I was only 14 when I saw him in his casket
I swear I saw him breathing
I was only 14 when I realized his name wouldn't cut my lips again
I was only 14 when I realized who I wanted to be
Who I would live for