We are completely and utterly alone in this world. We are born alone, We survive alone, We suffer alone, And we die alone. And most of all we feel alone.
'Why is Mommy so upset?' 'Why is Mommy not talking?' 'Why does Mommy have scars on her arms?' 'Why did Mommy hit me?' 'Why doesn't Mommy love me anymore?' 'Why is Mommy in the doctors all the time?' 'Why is Mommy taking so many pills?' 'Where is Mommy gone?'
You left me the same way someone would leave an unwanted puppy at the side of the road. Alone, terrified and unknowing. You walked out that door the same way the blade cuts. Fast and painful. You made promises. That you would always be here. But Dad, Where are you now? When I need you the most.
I hold the rail of the balcony. Taking it all in. The rays of the sun on my face, The smoke from my cigarette. I close my eyes and smile. Reliving my life's greatest moments. And most importantly, I remind myself that this beautiful world, No matter how amazing, Drove me to end it all.
I am breathing, Inhaling, Exhaling. I can hear the sea, Soft in the distance. I can see the stars, Looking down at me, Keeping me company. My hair damp, From the moisture in the air. I am Existing.
Yet I still bear the blade, And the demons inside.
Carrying them to my grave. Like a sack of boulders, On my weak, damaged bones. My brain filled, Over flowing with my past. Why oh why, can’t you leave me alone.
Memories like glass, Carving images into my brain. Tattooing them there, Forever. Never forgetting, What happened. My mind is playing them on loop, Over and over. Until the day my heart stops.
'It's okay to be broken', The 5 most beautiful words imaginable. When I let him inside my barrier, This is what he said, Tears in his eyes, Looking around, At the crumbling walls inside me.
You were my first love, But also my first heartbreak. You were my first kiss, But also my last. For you, I am willing to wait. For your touch, your smell, your voice.
I am waiting for something that will never happen.
I wish life had a delete button. Delete the pain, the suffering and sadness. Delete the false love and the hate. Delete the addictions and abuse. Just delete me, myself and I...
It takes 7 minutes to bleed out. Whereas here I am, Fighting this constant losing battle for almost 5 years. Struggling to live when I'd rather die. 7 short minutes.
One too many calories, I’m fat. 1 workout turns to 6. 30 crunches turns to 300. Walking turns to jogging. 3 meals turns to 1. And fat turns to bone. And now I am “perfect”.
And when the metal digs in, I feel alive. The the pain meets skin, I fantasize about the oncoming pour. The stream, Drip... drip... drip. If I had the courage, The bath would be full of crimson. But I am weak.
Above me is the sky and the white silk clouds, Looking so tantalising and angelic. And below me is the cold, hard ground. Filled with skeletons and rotten memories. Where would I rather be..
I engulf my body in the warm water, Listening carefully to the beating of my heart, Filling my ears. Being careful not to corrupt the liquid surrounding me, Trying to remind myself I am alive.
I am the problem. I am my own problem. I stopped worrying about me a long time ago. Letting this illness take over. I'm screaming yet no one can hear. I don't want them too. I'm so used to this feeling, That I wouldn't be me without it.
I welcomed happiness with open arms. Yet it did everything to avoid me. The sadness was too strong, Too protective. Over its victim. My glimpse of hope, Quickly over shadowed. I’m back to the normality of being Sad...
Maybe I should join him. And take my own life. Maybe I’d be content, Knowing my heart no longer Beats tirelessly, To keep my worn out body alive. Maybe then I’d be content and free. From the thoughts of you Racing through my mind. Maybe, Just maybe...
You are above, While I am below. I grovel at your feet, Giving you love and respect. Yet you step on me like I don't even exist. Like I'm nothing. And this is the moment I realise, I will never be above. Always below.
My demons awake, When I am at my weakest. To bully, bruise and break A heart. That is already, Bullied, bruised and broken. Knowing I will never be strong enough, To put the demons back to bed.
They are our greatest weapons. Our enemies. They control the harm we do to ourselves. They hold the nicotine, They caress the blade. They wipe our tears, And they can cause our death. Our hands are what destroy us.
She leaves the house alone every night. To cry on her own in the dark. In peace. She has no friends to text because at the end of the day she can’t tell them everything. She’s out of the house getting exercise but she exercises until she can’t breath, until she can feel bone. She has bobbins all up her arms hiding cuts while she scratches her raw legs under the dinner table. The family see she is eating. Her friends at the cinema see it too. But what they don’t see, is the puke stained bathroom floor and the mouth ulcers from her own ***** forced up by only her. She starts cutting her tongue so it hurts even more too. She can’t focus on a movie because every **** second she’s wondering where she’ll cut next or how many pills she should take tonight. Or where she could find rope. The baby she lost last year holds memories. A time she could have been happy. The empty space where the baby should be Yet the void inside her is still so shallow. Her boundaries were broken growing up when her cousins fingers slipped inside. She was hurt again when she met the devil himself and fell in love only to find out he wanted her dead and once again bet her black and blue and left her open for the world to see. Only to find out he himself went to hell before she could.
And if only people knew this they might leave her alone.