I’m so sorry I don’t call
Anymore, it’s not cool
But I can’t find the words
You want to hear
There’s stories from my day
You’d have something to say
About, but I don’t think
They have a place here

I’m sorry I don’t text
I’m as bad as all the rest
I don’t blame them
For not choosing you
It doesn’t make me less sorry
I think I’ll always worry
About you and if
I could have done more

One day it will be too late
The right time will have passed
Nobody to blame
No judgement to be cast
One way or the other
We will both be unhealed
If nothing changes
And I don’t think it will.
So I’ll love you in silence
Be at peace with ‘what if’
I built up the wall
You’re not allowed in
Nobody this side
Considers your name
Because I won’t let myself
Go through it again

He’s worried I don’t think he’s worth the wait
I’m worried he’s all what ifs, not what is
He tells me he can’t give me all that I want
That he wants to provide but needs more time
I don’t mind if we don’t have millions aside
No pool in the garden, one car parked outside
I want rent paid and meals homemade
Your body in the bed I get into at night
So I romanticise the version of us that tries
Not easy seeing each other one week in nine
It’s starting to feel you don’t care that I cry
I feel the indifference with every deep sigh
I want to be with you, I want this to work
But it’s not just the distance, there’s a growing divide

I wish loving you
Could pay our bills
And bridge our gaps
And bite our tongues
And spare our time
That we could
Speak our minds
And share our thoughts
And plan a life.
Loving you tears me open
As though my body
Is being searched
For you

Perhaps it was the moving away
As a child, to a new place
Or the figures removed
By law or by time
That now makes me love
So much better from a distance
To hold you closest
At arms length
I feel the wrenching
And the yearning
Not just as a symptom
But as the very love itself
Enamoured by ‘one day’

I am shut so tight
Fingers ache to pry
No matter of strength
But of will to open
And as though I am fooled
The clamp loosens
Light shimmers on pearls
I feel beautiful

It is when I relax
That thieves listen closer
My reluctance to change
Had not been in vain
I am robbed
Empty, hollow, bare
From your neck dangles my pain

All of the people
I wanted to be friends
Now acquaintances haunting my phone
She’s pregnant, he travelled
Oh look, a promotion
And they’ve just bought their first home
Is it my problem
I struggle to connect
Or is this space by mistake?
How have you been?
Well, the same as always
Looking for changes to make