by pretending I am more than I let on,
to like myself more,
to be able to forgive my weaknesses;
by pretending I am normal;
by pretending I am special;
sometimes there is pain, too much of it.
sometimes I numb the pain.
sometimes I worsen it,
sometimes forget about it.
I smile a lot, even when I don’t feel like it;
by forgetting to cry;
by allowing myself to feel good enough;
by thinking I’m worthy;
by telling others I love them,
when I am not brave enough,
caring enough,
too self-absorbed, to love.
by thinking that I will ever change;
by thinking that I will never change;
by giving up on myself;
by still hoping.
because I cannot lie to myself.
because I do not even know who I am.
because I’m trying
to become myself
and to get away from myself,
always at the same time.