There lies before us in our afflictions a vast and wondrous beauty
yet undisclosed behind the fog, and like a theatrical curtain
slowly pulled back to reveal a perfectly set stage
God will sublimely unveil it in His own directed time.

And we shall be elated at the view,
for it's against a backdrop of struggle and darkness
that the best and most moving of stories have always unfolded.

Maybe nothing truly beautiful can ever take form on earth
without the shroud of mystery and brokenness surrounding it—
at least not the kind of beauty that takes our breath away
and leaves us yearning to possess it.

I am a pessimist and I’m not proud of that
Whether said to me verbally but mostly my own thoughts.
“You are fat, you are stupid, you are worthless.”
My thoughts whisper in my head,
“All you do is bring problems, your whole existence is a flaw.”
These words are on repeat every minute of every day.
“You are lazy, irresponsible and a hypocrite.”
Voices getting louder in my head,
Engraving words that hurt worse than physical wounds
I would rather cut myself a thousand times
Than hear these words like bullets shot through my heart
“You don’t deserve love, you are nothing but trouble.”
I crumble inside each word like a knife
“You are a quitter not even worth a dime.”
The voices grow louder and louder,
I wrack my brain to make it stop,
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, SHUT. UP!
Insecurities drown me, I can’t breathe
Walls block me from asking help,
Walls I built myself thinking it would protect me,
“You are ugly, you are worthless, you are NOTHING.”
Voices on repeat…

This is where I am,
This is the floor I walk on.
Whether shoes are on me or barefoot,
I **** it up and keep myself in here.
I walk where there are little birds
Flying by me.
Ignored I am
Alone I don’t always care that I am
And limited to how I live.
Luxury is never overrated until
You are removed from where you want to be.
Never even held my own key.
Someone who hasn’t learned in life as much as me
Will be sitting on a throne with a view outside.
I see nothing and no hope when I get to where I am.
This is who I am,
This is the person I became.
I started the jeep and put my problems in the passenger seat
While I drive myself to freedom.
I will never mind the traffic in the city with starry skies and beaming
Lights.
Beautiful colors of orange, red, green, white, and purple, couldn’t ask for anything more,
And the moon in the sky is to heal our trauma that has ever happened
On the worst night of our life.
There is always something out there to see,
Oh wait, I was talking about me.
I have a heart and it doesn’t necessarily reside at my home.
Home is where someone’s heart is but definitely not for me.
If there weren’t an outside world where I pick to wander,
How would my heart ever grow?
I learn to accept and to be strong.
Those who can’t accept my differences or me help my strength
Believe it
Or
Not.
I wear a big smile,
I say my hello and goodbye.
I walk alone with my shadow that shows how beautiful I look.
I get home,
I already have my heart with me.
I’ll need it,
For the next
Argument.