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  Nov 2015 gravygod
Thomas Conlan
I'm everywhere but here
Counting back each year
Madness from memory
And you will find me
In moments of joy and pain
Between the past and insane
Heart beating, day dreaming
The world gone, I am seeing
A life lived without you there
My dream, a living nightmare
A picture perfect portrait set in place
A time long gone that I cannot face
This love that's passed, that didn't last
Dreams, memories of a failed past

Yet you're everywhere but here
Travelling a future fueled by fear
This post apocalyptic love story
A bleeding heart's memento mori
Breathe in your newfound deity
Our air, laced with anxiety
Leaves you with no way to scream
Rose-coloured glasses in the ashes of a dream
Taking chase to the world's end
In search of that one perfect friend
No more pain, no more lies
Not when you find his soft eyes
So beautiful your soul boasts
Illusions of kaleidoscoped ghosts
A future failing to ever form
Like how lightning predicts the storm
Perfection passed your pretty glance
Trapped in time's terrifying trance

Maybe we were meant to be
But we will never get to see
Life lost loving a little lie
So we just passed each other by
I loved where I have come from
While you lived in days to come
Never had we considered the present
To find peace from of our life's lament
gravygod Nov 2015
i can't make you love me
and it pains me to admit
no matter how many times
i pleasure you
or touch you
it couldn't possibly help
i despise how obvious it is
that i am constantly savoring
your every kiss
memorizing your lips
and how they fit mine
just right
gazing into your eyes
until everything turns hazel
stroking your rough skin
and learning the landmarks
of your exterior surface
please just stay prisoner
in my bed
just wish i could look into
your mind
to know what you truly think
of me
and us
but how can i expect you
to love me
when i can't even
love myself
  Nov 2015 gravygod
Tom Leveille
and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it
gravygod Nov 2015
going crazy for you
was never planned.
with your smooth words
and exquisite body,
i fell into your trap.
never thought
i'd be thinking about someone
exactly like this.
do you have me
wrapped around your finger?
because it sure feels like it.
i've never been one
to admit my feelings to anyone
but you're just different.
with all these terms
and technicalities,
i'm confused.
what am i to you?
just a lover
or a partner?
i'm tired of these complications
when all i want to do
is hold your hand
and kiss you good morning.
all while knowing
that you're mine
and i'm yours.
gravygod Nov 2015
i hate myself
at times i wonder if i always will
other times i wonder what it's like
to love yourself
because i don't know what that's like
and i don't think i ever will

i wonder how it feels
to look in the mirror
and want to smile at yourself
because all i know
is wanting to stab my face
until you cannot see any features
until my eyes cannot see what it hates the most
me

i wonder what it's like
to feel confident and self-assured
because all i know
is feeling embarrassed and self-destroyed
drowning in despair
when you want to swim up to the surface
but you know you shouldn't
for you are not worthy

it ***** when you are the person
that you dread to see
but are forced to

i remember trying so hard
to make myself love me
but the lies never worked
and the drugs never eased me

i love how people think
they can change my mind
just by praising me
and telling me good things
it's ridiculous really
my brain will never believe them
or let their words sink into me

i have known for a while
that i will always feel like this
i've accepted it
until now
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