i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when we talked about going to seattle?
you said you liked the rain
and the fact that no one there would know you,
i just wanted to be wherever you were.
i was never afraid of the dark
when you talked about yours.
i still don't have words for what i felt
when you told me the only other number
you had saved in your phone apart from your mother's was mine.
i keep telling myself you're not allowed
to just exit and re-enter my life as you please,
but i leave the door unlocked,
so what does that make me?
the last "i love you" from the last time we spoke,
is still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
other lovers have tried to pry it out of me,
but the memory of you is like lockjaw.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember the lizard you caught last summer?
you let me name him forrest.
if life is a box of chocolates,
there are pieces missing,
and whatever is left has gone stale.
i can't smoke cigarettes in my backyard anymore
without wondering where you are
or if you're smoking too.
i hope you're not drinking,
i know you hate what it does to you.
your secrets are still tucked between my ribs,
i will hold them safe and repeat them back to you
if you ever lose your way home.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when you told me
about the person you were afraid of becoming,
i said i wasn't scared,
and i told you i was proud of you?
i'm still proud of you.
i hope you're in school or at least keeping busy.
i hope you still make yourself laugh.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember what movie we were watching
the night you got arrested?
i still can't finish it.
i am holding the place.
can we pick up where we left off?
can we stand up and wipe the dust off?
i never got to tell you why i only write in pen,
or why i can't sleep with socks on,
or about the day i caught god with his hands in a public fountain
fishing for change.
i'm not mad at you for disappearing, but i'm lonely.
the only reason i haven't called
is because i'm afraid of being sent straight to voicemail,
but if i ever find myself in indiana again,
you'll be the first to know.

- m.f.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

I wanted to write something marvelous, something so beautiful it would make you stay.
An ocean of words rushed through my brain
But none of them could create a sentence that was good enough.
I wanted to steal your shoes, just to walk in them and feel what you feel.
I wanted to give you the chills
But you're already so cold that I freeze just thinking of lying next to you again.

do you still cringe when you step on leaves in the fall? is it because the sound reminds you of the way your dad broke your heart before any boy had the chance to?

my question is, how can someone say “i love you” without having the promise of the universe backing them up? how can those words slip through the gaps in your teeth if not every single bone in your body agrees? can’t your lips tell the difference by now? can’t they close their gates prior to the escape so no one else has to look up the definition of an empty promise? imagine if your body wouldn't let you say “i love you” unless you really meant it..

how can one person make you feel trapped & safe at the same time? how can one person make you feel so alone & so complete all at once? quite frankly i’m tired of being only half of a whole. can’t i be whole on my own? can you see the light in the word “us”? it’s as bright as a wildfire to me & only a flame to you but that’s alright. don’t you know by now that there’s a silent “don’t leave me” in the word trust? all i’ve ever done is give you all i had, & maybe that’s why i’m always left feeling incomplete. can’t you see the blood pouring from my pen right now? i’m bleeding out every word for you.

all of these unsaid words are beginning to leave paper cuts on the inside of my cheeks. i would write them down & mail them to you but every time i pick up a pencil to do it, i keep coughing up envelopes without return addresses.

i have bruises on the insides of my eyelids from always seeing you in my dreams. you come so close to me that i can feel the heat between us. it's one of those dreams that when you wake up, you question whether it was really a dream or real life. that's how real it feels but you're so blurry. like i must be looking through tear-filled eyes. i look so closely & focus so hard trying to get the blurs out of your image but i ******* can't. i can never do it.

i have burn marks underneath my fingernails from always reaching for things that scorch me. i can practically see the ******* flames but i always reach anyway, why don't i learn? this may sound crazy but sometimes i wish that someone else would hurt me so i wouldn't be standing here all alone, still the only one responsible for all of my own scars.