To be in the middle is to be surrounded
By warmth, love, acceptance
I am in the middle
I have never felt so alone
Two friend groups clash
I observe
I keep to myself
I refuse to take a side
I am in the center of everything
Yet I am all alone

I sit alone
In my bed
Wrapped in a blanket, four walls, and a beautiful home
I have never felt so alone
Will I ever get better?
I want to slice the pain into my arms
and a mother who loves me
and for someone I could talk to
literally anyone
I am drowning and I am begging for help

In school my mind wonders
Why am I so different?
Do these people hate me?
I just want to go home
Instead I go to my favorite teachers office
Whether he is there or not I take a seat
I put my airpods in
And for a few minutes
I can breathe

If God is up there
I wonder what he thinks
I wonder why he messed up my face
And made my mother cry
And why he sent that evil boy to my house
And why he took my grandfather
Despite everything
I wonder why he filled my heart with so much love
And why he made the boy I love so much the boy I cannot be with

When I hear that my friends put lines on their wrists
And draw their struggles in blood
I get mad
The same lines cover my body
My skin is marked by my past
And cannot be erased
Am I jealous?
Or am I angry to watch someone else take the same path I did?

I was ***** at 7 years old
He was 10
Because of him I stayed quiet
He told me to stay quiet
Because of him I do not sleep through the night
I have to retell what happened because he is still in my school district
I am scared when he is around
Because of him I learned to carve my emotions into my skin
Because of him I am so, so angry.

I still have scars on my thigh
I put them there by myself, why do I care?
And when a little girl asked "what's on your leg"
I responded with "I was in a fight with a bear"
And with every child I feed the same lie.
I hope they will never awake to find
That the bear that attacked my leg
Was my very own mind.