I wish I could hold your hand without my palms sweating or my fingers shaking
I wish I could look you in the eye without having my insides ache with the feeling of man eating butterflies
I wish I could think about you without my head spinning
I wish I could read your sweet messages without crying because my anxiety does not deserve love, and sometimes anxiety is all I am.

I had a dream last night

We were in your car
the sun was out
and it was shining.
Words were spoken but not aloud.
You looked at me
and took my hand

The first time
you squeezed too hard
and hurt me.
You looked at me
with guilt on your face.

The second time
Your fingers and my fingers
found the right spots
I felt the warmth of
your hand against mine
and I felt warmth inside me too.
And we smiled

You told me
that you didn't love her anymore
that you were sorry
that You loved me
and you knew I loved you too.
Without saying a word
but by taking my hand.

Then you left
and I awoke
to a screaming alarm clock
and to a world where
dreams
are only dreams

I tell her
"try this"
it shows you care
She says
"I can't I'm too busy"
I tell her
"You have time
we will wait"
She tells me
"Shut Up"

you tell me
that I never say
anything kind to you
but you
never say
anything kind to me
you left me
I tried to be happy
I tried to tell you
that you were cute together
you tried to tell me
that you were too busy
to hang out
you quit on me
for him
I asked of you wanted
to go see that band
you had plans to
watch a movie with him
I asked you
if you still needed me
you said
"I guess"

How can I say kind things
to you
you left me
we weren't supposed
to leave each other

You always said
you weren't
that kind of girl
who dressed
to objectify, not flatter
you weren't
the kind of girl
who moves too fast
and plays with boys' hearts
you told me
that nothing
would ever change
between us

Now
I cannot speak to you
without being accused
of becoming a stuck-up *****.
but tell me
when
did it become ******
to have values
and speak your mind?
When
did it become ******
to expect people to uphold their promises?

but where I really
get lost is;
When
did I lose you?

Dear Academia;
I took the adderall
because I thought
you wanted me
to be a machine.  I didn't
understand that
amphetamine tasted
like candy once you
got used to the way
your jaw locked and your
ears rang.  Dear
academia, did you
see my face when you
read my GPA, did
you see the way I stayed
up too late after my
after school activities
trained me to live with
anxieties?  Dear academia,
why am I afraid of the mirror?
Why did you teach me how
to write a perfect paper but
never prepared me for
the look in his eye when he told
me he didn't love me either.  Dear
academia, i'm ******* and you're
swallowing me, does the sting
of your impulses feel better
when you know you're eating
my hard earned money?  
Dear academia, why
do you give me empty promises?  Why
should I spill my blood with
this diploma, list
my ethnicity and birthdate
next to the insignificance
of what you think makes me
worthy, do
these details feed your
impending due dates or
are you just getting off
to the idea that
only the educated few
know how to
think straight?  Dear
academia,
I tried my hardest
to let you fool me, I
can feel your ego fattening
beside me as I watch your
children scramble for their
ideas of monetary
gluttony.  You're increasing
our wage gaps, do my late night
tears fuel your addiction to epistemic
poverty?  Dear academia, you
taught me to think critically.   I am on fire
with the matches you forgot
you hatched within
me.  Scorpions occasionally
eat their parents and I hate
to admit that this ****
has me hungry.

My small hips
Unfeminine
My height
Unfeminine
My broad shoulders
Unfeminine
My blonde, short eyelashes
Unfeminine
My straight legs
Unfeminine

my strength
Unfeminine
my intelligence
Unfeminine
my strong voice
Unfeminine