Complete exhaustion.
I can not read your mind.
You play games that
I never learned
and never will
u n d e r s t a n d.

Stop the nonsense.
Tell me what you want.
Say it clearly,
precisely,
without
your sarcasm.
Say it to my face.
Do not hide behind a screen,
do not wear the buttons as a mask,
do not respond with "nothing much",
or I may just lose it.

And tell me why
you need to start
conversations that are
completely
pointless.

Write it in a letter,
say it on the phone,
tell it to my face.

Make it sincere,
make it true,
make it worth my time.

I want him to fall in love,
madly in love,
crazy in love,
with me,
so he won't give up
when I'm less than pleasant.

He'll write songs about me,
and be head over heels,
and smile at my name,
and give me no choice,
but to fall madly in love
with him
and his dazzling smile.

And he'll bring out my best,
and he'll coax out my pain,
he'll make me feel something
make me feel safe
and we'll be best friends.

We'll share secrets until dawn,
sleep under the stars,
lounge in a hammock on the beach,
and marvel at the world's beauty,
side by side.

I like to tell myself
that I'm too good
too smart,
too strong for you

I don't need him
I tell myself
He's going nowhere
I argue

But you make me smile
He makes me happy
And I miss you
And I think he liked me
And I can't believe we aren't
side by side,
watching a movie inside,
laughing in winter's face,
mocking it's cold breath,
warm under the blankets,
warm next to each other,
such simple dream,
such a beautiful idea
He doesn't have to be perfect

But it hurts less, you know
to tell myself I'm too good
to make it about standards
and not the fact that you
never write,
never call,
never speak
I miss him so much

I tell myself it would never happen,
it would never work out,
I don't need the drama
that comes along with you.
And that is absolute truth.
But it's a lie to say that it makes a difference
because here I am still longing
for just a simple hug
and to hear you say my name
with a hint of happiness in your voice,
and to see your face light up with a smile
as my name rolls off your tongue
and is released from your lips

I would be truly happy, I argue.

Yes, I tell myself
that I am too good
that I would reject you
to get revenge,
to feel power,
to be satisfied with my life

But in truth,
I would argue again
And with a handful of the right words,
a couple magic phrases,
I would be right at your side,
if that's what you wanted
and I would start to think again
*Maybe he feels the same way

They say silence is a good thing
A way to clear your mind,
Relax,
Realize your true goals,
What you really want

But the thing is,
When you dig,
You don't always strike gold
Sometimes you go too far
And all you find is the dark
And before you know it,
You're falling in
And you have to claw your way out,
Force youself away from the dark

And when you reach the surface,
You'll try everything,
Anything,
that will keep you out of the darkness

To sum it up:
I hate falling,
But if I don't jump,
You can't catch me.

I want to tell him
It will be okay
I've tried to convince him
That it all happens for a reason,
That everything will turn out fine,
I haven't told him
But I'm sure
That he'll fall in love
And be happy
And he won't end up alone
He'll be successful
And feel fulfilled
And all he has to do
Is put on a smile
And fake it, just a little
Until something good comes along

But he won't believe me
Because it's deeper than that
I can't quite understand,
But there's always something more
troubling him,
and he holds it back
I can give him advice,
the kind that sounds good in theory
but I'm sure he won't follow
I can empathize
until I run out of cliches to say
And I can listen for days,
but I can't fix it.

I'd like to say I hate you,
dismiss you from my mind,
write you off as a joke,
tell you that you're a ****,
that I would never consider,
loving you,
even just a little bit.

I won't and I can't
Because I miss you,
And for a second there,
I wanted, just a tiny bit,
for there to be something more
between us, other than
the jokes and the
halfway friendship.

I want to hate you for picking her,
for giving up on me,
for leaving me alone
when I was seeking your attention,
searching for just
one more hint,
that you felt something.

But I can't
because I gave up on you too
I wanted you to prove you cared
and you never did.
Whether you gave up on me
or never really cared
I will never know
And that's the part
I hate the most.

It's funny how a phrase
Can take me far away
Back in time
To that place where
Everything was more than okay

Just an innocent conversation,
Just a friendly saying

And suddenly it hits me
-- how you used to say good night

I wonder
Should I have stayed awake?
To show I cared?
Did you want me to?
Would it change anything?

Yes I'd say goodbye
But I wished I'd wake up
To see your "good morning"

You drive me crazy,
I spiral into complicated fantasies,
Picturesque "what ifs",
Impossible daydreams.
I'm driven into sorrow
Completely torn up,
Broken and lost.
Missing you, savoring the thought of you,
You drive me to music.
I listen and listen,
I find the words that match
The song in my heart,
The words I want to say.
You drive me to paper,
My thoughts run crazy,
I let them spin and spin
Until I silence them.
I let them out,
Type them out,
Scrawl them out in pen
And the thoughts are free,
Just for a moment.
But in my calm,
It's still your face I
Picture before sleep.
It's still your face I want to see,
It's still your face
That haunts me when I awake.

I made a mistake
I've plunged into the water
And now I want out

The thought of cool waves,
Your love -- your kisses
Encircled me

Your smile, your kindness,
They lapped at my feet,
They begged me to swim

I didn't test the waters
I gave in to the waves,
Rejoiced in the ocean's beauty

And then it changed.
The waves turned dark,
You turned dark.

I grew tired of the ocean,
Of being its prisoner.
I kicked at the surface.

I glimpsed the land
I gasped for air
I longed to lay on the sand, carefree

I must give up my beloved ocean
Return to land
To where I belong

I float near the shore
Unsure of my decisions
Waiting for the sun to beckon me

As I wait for it's call,
The waves still gently crash around me
They sing to me

They linger,
They pull, ever so slightly
You pull me back.

But I remember you changed.
The sky has turned gray,
And I'll drown if I go too far.

So I float in the shallow
Between heart and reason
As I wait for the sun to save me